Superimportant woman question!

[sunndoggy8]

Okey, I'm not going to beat around the bush with this.

I'm in a situation where I have been very close friends to a girl, and she KNOWS that I dig her a little more than just a friend. We've never hooked up or anything like that though. She recently told me though, that she has slept with someone (she was a virgin before this guy) and that she can't get him off her mind, and that they're considering/now in a relationship.

What I don't get is why she told me, and how I should react. I mean, I obviously don't know if she told me to give me a sign she wasn't interested. I have always told her that I'm her friend and that she can be open and honest with me...

Obviously, I'm thinking that I brought it on myself, but then again, I was the first person she told and she even told me that normally she wouldn't tell this sort of thing to a guy...

So what should I do? Should I tell her that I'm upset and that our friendship is now totally different(which i know she doesn't realize), or just keep it to myself. Should I tell her not to mention the guy, or listen to her tell me about him while it drives me batty?

I didn't think that I liked her this much, and I still don't think I do(really i don't)...and it is just jealousy...but what should I do about this??? HK or anyone?

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~~~There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But, they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.-Silent Bob, CLERKS ~~~

[NYHCmikeX]

When you take my adivse remember, I'm not the Horde King so my advice wont be as sage-like as his but here goes, two simple words:

KILL 'EM (actually "'em" really wouldn't be a word would it?) or maybe you can talk to Miss Ivanna the topless psychic in the dirt mall.

<img border="0" src="http://members.aol.com/nyhcmikex/myhomepage/ronfezsig2.jpg?mtbrand=AOL_US">
-
AOLYouth has it's own dreams, goals and visions. As time passes we find there is less and less fertile ground for these seeds to grown, until one day there is only wasteland.
AOL Name:NYHCmikeX

[BabyJane]

Ok I also dont have sage like advice, but here goes nothing:
Being that you are a writer like me, why dont you write her a letter. In a letter you might be able to state your mind and emotions more clearly and efficently, than in a one on one conversation: One on one you might lose your cool, or she might say something that could throw you off. So gather your thoughts and state it on paper is my advice. But whether you take my advice or not, I think you should tell her...the truth has a funny way of coming out whether you like it or not...
I hope all goes well-
xoxoxo

[HordeKing1]

SUNNDOGGY8 - There is only one plausible explanation why a girl would tell a male friend about another guy she's having sex with and "can't get out of her mind." She does not see you as a romantic interest but rather in a purely platonic way.

Although this is not the ideal way you envisioned your relationship with her, it can still be quite fulfilling. You can't be sexually intimate with everyone. But you can have rewarding and wonderful intimate platonic relationships with many people. You have to decide whether you want her as a friend or whether your interests are purely of the romantic kind.

If the former; congratulations! You have a friend who obviously feels very comfortable with you and has no hesitancy sharing intimate details about her life.

If the latter I agree with BABYJANE that you should talk or write to her and express your feelings, but from the scenario presented you may very well be rebuffed. If that happens chances are you won't be able to be friends with her. She might feel weird around you, knowing that you have these kind of feelings about her.

Not an easy decision. Maintain a friendship with a woman you're attracted to, or go for broke and tell her how you feel, knowing that it is highly unlikely to be reciprocated, yet highly probable that you'll lose the friendship. The choice really depends on your feelings for her, and whether you'd be satisfied with a friend.


http://members.aol.com/slipknot4twenty/hking

[sunndoggy8]

I did take action on it...well I bet you want to know what happened!

I told her the truth. That I had feelings for her that were stronger than friendship, and that even I was surprised by them. She, needless to say, didn't take it very well. She was upset and told me that she never got the impression or understanding that I had stronger than simply friendship feelings.

This I am not sure I believe, because I not only literally told her, but gave her every sign that I was interested. Either she just was not interested to begin with, or she is incredibly not perceptive (not to sound mean, but she isn't the most perceptive person).

Whatever the case, we talked about things, changing the subject and trying to get comfortable again, and eventually doing so. We joked and I honestly do think that it won't bother her in the long run, but only time will tell whether our friendship lasts.

The weird thing is, we have so little in common, and don't connect on a very strong mental/verbal level whatsoever. The reason that I believe I had stronger than normal feelings for her was because she showed she cared, in that she put effort into making sure that we rarely went a day without talking at least for a few minutes to see how the other was doing. That's a rare relationship to have for me, because most of the time the caring that I show for a friend isn't as strong or consistent from their side towards me. That's why i think I felt a little more strongly towards her than most friends of mine, and why i was hurt to begin with by her telling me about her new relationship. And I don't think that's a rationalization to not be in a relatoinship with her...I honestly think that i probably wouldn't last...

Anyway, to make a long story longer, I'm glad I told her. I spoke to her honestly, that I would always be her friend, and that if she didn't want to continue being friends, just to tell me(in whatever way), because I would not push anything on her. The ball is totally in her court whether she feels comfortable or not with me after what I told her, and I don't regret my decision. Having a intimate friend is nice, and while I have the feeling thats all we will, or should ever be at this point, I would rather have told my feelings to her than drive myself crazy in the time it would take to either move on from those feelings. Either that or I would end the friendship because of holding those same feelings inside.

Don't feel sorry for me though, because I'm happy with the result. I figure in my own mind, that if I can get over any sort of romantic feelings for her (which I know I am doing as I type this), then she can get over knowing that I had them. If she can't look past that, then our friendship isn't as strong as it should be, and would have eventually disintegrated anyway.

BABYJANE! Writing an email/letter was definitely a good idea, but this girl was not the type of person who would respond well to that...a conversation was best with her personality, I thought :)

And HK, thanks for putting everything in a simple perspective, and giving your opinion and input...it's so easy to cloud things in my mind at times, but your post definitely put things in a simpler perspective for me.

I'm already feeling better about the situation, so I thank you all for your posted replies. I was down about it when I first posted, but I'm feeling oh so much better now! :) Thank you :)

<img border=0 src=http://sunnyk8.homestead.com/files/sunnysig1.jpg width=300 height=80>

~~~There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But, they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.-Silent Bob, CLERKS ~~~

[BabyJane]

I am glad that you told her and things are still ok, even if they arent as you woulda prefered. But maybe you found in her one of the qualities you are looking for in a female. A person that cares, that can be your friend first-
That is super important...I believe everything happens for a reason and maybe she came into your life to show you this. You said that you 2 didnt connectstrongly verbally or mentally: Maybe the key is to find someone who cares strongly in which you do connect on all levels?
Tell me what ya think hun :)
<3 Baby Jane

*The brightest crayon in the box*

[sunndoggy8]

Hey BabyJane, you're definitely right that I found a quality of caring in her that I don't see in most people I know, let alone in the relationships that I get in.

But I do sort of have this nagging voice in my head telling me that things have changed in her and my friendship...but at this point there isnt' anything I can do about it besides moving on I guess. It's hard to not worry or fear that she will become distant and uncaring...but if she does, well I have to convince myself that it's her loss...

But I dunno. :(

<img border=0 src=http://sunnyk8.homestead.com/files/sunnysig1.jpg width=300 height=80>

~~~There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But, they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.-Silent Bob, CLERKS ~~~

[HordeKing1]

SUNNDOGGY8 - Your self-assessment regarding why you had feelings for her seem right on the money. When someone cares for you, it's only natural to care right back. Sometimes, although the person who cares for you does so intimately, it is not a male/female type of intimacy but rather a platonic intimacy.

Platonic intimacies are wonderful in their own right. In fact chances are that you'll end up with many more platonic intimate relationships than sexual intimate relationships. Personally speaking, I have only one sexually intimate relationship (my Horde Queen - my bride of 16 years). However I have many intimate platonic relationships. All are unique and enrich my life.

I'm sure you will find the same with the relationships you develop.


http://members.aol.com/slipknot4twenty/hking

[HordeKing1]

SUNNDOGGY8 - It's certainly possible that discussing your feelings with your friend changed things between you. That's not as important as your expression in your earlier post that you feel glad that you spoke to her about how you feel.

http://members.aol.com/slipknot4twenty/hking

[TomPoo]

SUNDOGGY,

What has happened since this last post???????

Reeking of Awesomeness
----TomPoo

[Pootertoot]

What happened? He found me...and the rest is history...

It's been a little hard on the wallet, having to replace the bloody sheets and matresses every other night, but I think it's worth it...

<img src="http://members.aol.com/muldermanx/images/tardpower2.gif">
This Sig is Temporary, while the REAL 1000 Post Spectacular Sig is Pending Litigation.

[TomPoo]

AWW!!!! I Love happy endings!!!!

Reeking of Awesomeness
----TomPoo

[sunndoggy8]

Yes, me and Pooter found one another, and it has been like a dream ever since. Except for his habit for wanting golden showers too often. It's one thing to want to have them once and a while, but when we start saving my urine in the fridge, things start going over the line.

Okey, so here's the story. After the whole deal with everything that happened, and me telling her the truth, she did start to act different. I made it abbundantly clear that I wanted to be her friend and that I wanted nothing more, after taking some time dealign with it. I though that things would be fine, but this girl who used to call me every day and write constantly, totally stopped.

Now I can understand if she felt uncomfortable, but still, it made me mad. She started going out with that guy that she slept with that night, and I assume that's another reason why things changed.

A twist on the story is that my friend Sarah ran into her one night, while intoxicated, and told her off in my defense, just totally randomly. This caused the girl to write me and apologize for being distant, but I didn't buy it. I told her everything was okey though, and that was that.

I totally got over her after a couple weeks, and things were fine with me. A friend of mine who knew the whole situation gave me the comforting advice that the guy she was with, and their relationship, wouldn't last, because of how it happened. I thought about that and realized that she was right, and that that relationship ending would be totally a comforting thought.

Well she was right. The relationship did end by the guy cheating on her, and the girl totally came running to me for support. I told her that I was sorry and that it was rough what she was going through, but secretly I had so much glee and happiness about it. I know that I should just turn the other cheek and not care either way, but I have to admit I was happy that she was hurt...just because she hurt me by what she did. Anywho, I didn't make any effort to really be there for her after that or show that I cared, unless she put an incredibly strong effort into being friends with me again. I defend that by the fact that she blew me off first, and since it really hurt me, it wasn't going to get better just because she wanted it to now.

So that's the story...TomPoo, what do you think?

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<font color="#0F00CD">~~~~"Our greatest battles are that with our own minds."--Jameson Frank~~~~</font color="#0F00CD">

[KateTheWitch]

I understand how it feels good to know she's hurt... at least right now. Beleive me, that will lose it's comfort value in a little while. :) I've been there.

However, you are making the right choice in not extending yourself too much for this girl. If she really wants your friendship, she'll find a way to let you know that she's serious and willing to put in the effort to make it a sound relationship. But trust me... if you just give in and let her come to you for comfort every time she gets a boo boo... you'll end up becoming her emotional crutch. And that really sucks.

I been there too.

Just know, whatever this girl does or doesn't do, you've got friends on this board that think the world of you... even the witch. ;)

http://members.aol.com/slipknot4twenty/witch

[The Blowhard]

Sunny, they are all whores.;)

http://members.aol.com/slipknot4twenty/heck.gif
DAVEY HANSON KICKS ASS!

[TomPoo]

Sundoggy,

I am sorry to hear you lost a friend but cause some whore couldn't deal with a friend being honest with her.

It F'n kills me to see someone like you (who seems like a good guy and pretty level headed) attempt to share with a girl there feelings, which she could have accepted as a compliment and moved on from there... BUT NO she had to join the millions of other F'n sleddogs out there that can't handle genuine emotion.

This topic really burns me, cause I have had lots of friends do the same thing you did with the same results (actually when I asked you I hoping to hear a happy ending, cause I have never heard one before)

Sundoogy, that girls sucks, you rock, and if i ever see her I will be more than happy to spit in her face on your behalf.

Reeking of Awesomeness
----TomPoo

[sunndoggy8]

I understand how it feels good to know she's hurt... at least right now. Beleive me, that will lose it's comfort value in a little while.

KatetheWitch, you're totally right in that, because eventually I'm sure I'll just look back at it as being only a temporary feeling of satisfaction...plus I hate the feeling of being happy about someone else's discomfort, even if they didn't treat me well.

But trust me... if you just give in and let her come to you for comfort every time she gets a boo boo... you'll end up becoming her emotional crutch

KatetheWitch, you are totally right in that statement. I've gone through that too, and it's the worst thing to have to deal with. You end up reading so much into every time the other person leans on you, and while they're totally getting support, you're only giving more and more of yourself away to them because you still have those romantic feelings. It can be emotionally exhausting. :(

Just know, whatever this girl does or doesn't do, you've got friends on this board that think the world of you... even the witch.

Thank you Kate! :) That's totally sweet of you and I really appreciate the thoughts and input. It's totally a mutual feeling, and to have a witch say it makes it all the more rewarding! :) THANKS!

Sunny, they are all whores

You're so right Heckler! :) Actually, I think they're a couple good ones out there. I gotta check out the cheese aisle at the local supermarket...if a girl is getting a block of presealed pepper jack cheese, then I think she might be the one for me! :) Thanks though Heckler, totally appreciated! :)

BUT NO she had to join the millions of other F'n sleddogs out there that can't handle genuine emotion

TomPoo, that's totolly true too. It's so annoyingly common for people just not want to have to deal with someone sharing their feelings and whatnot, no matter what you want to believe. And it makes you think twice before being honest with your feelings and telling someone about them. Everyone always says just to be honest and say what you feel, but it just seems like it's better to keep quiet and not show your hand, because it doesn't usually have a happy ending. I"m sure there are some friendships out there that have lasted through something like this, but most of the time it seems one of the people can't handle it. :( It's totally frustrating.

Sundoogy, that girls sucks, you rock, and if i ever see her I will be more than happy to spit in her face on your behalf.

Thanks for the thoughts too TomPoo, and I wish I could have given you a happy ending to the story. But I guess it sort of is, mainly because I am over the whole deal, and while it isn't the worst thing that ever happened to anyone, at the time it was a major drama. It doesn't bother me or affect me like I thought it would, and while it usually takes me a while to get over stuff like this, I'm pretty confident that I'm okey with the whole thing...:)

Thanks for the input everyone! ;) Feel free to ask me advice anytime! :)

<IMG SRC="http://home.att.net/~sunndoggy8/sunnysig1.jpg" width=300 height=80>

<font color="#0F00CD">~~~~"Our greatest battles are that with our own minds."--Jameson Frank~~~~</font color="#0F00CD">