Donnie Iris
12-15-2009, 03:25 AM
For the most part, I hate self loathing posts. Furthermore, I hate pretentious rants (online of all places) that claim to have no desire for attention or pity. This is both. I also hate when people say that they "hate" things, so what do I know?
Tonight/ this morning is not unlike a shitload of others in recent or extended past, except it is. I will preface this by saying that I was doing coke earlier tonight. Naturally (not at all), this was after quite a few libations. And while I am coming down and not necessarily "fucked up", there's that.
The coke is clearly a contributing factor to what I plan to do (and this post), but tonight it was really more the action than the drug that brought about a new found clarity. I don't normally do it, just really don't enjoy it. Believe me, that's not to say I haven't enjoyed from time to time (namely college), but I really hadn't partaken in coon's age. Basically, I feel justified in saying that it is not a problem because I turn it down nine times out of ten. I hesitate as I am not entirely behind the conviction of this statement but; hard drugs are not my thing. y wheelhouse consists more of booze and pot but I am certainly not one to turn down things when offered.
I just erased a bunch of drivel about addiction to alcohol and other substances. What the hell do I know? Here's what it comes down to: I drink a lot. I then smoke weed or some other form of relaxation to kill a hangover/anxiety and continue the cycle from there. But really, who cares?
Anyway, here's what's really pushing me to post this (among other actions that I'm not sure I entirely understand just yet). I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know that is cliché, but it's true.
Tonight I realized that I haven't truly, I mean truly cared about much in quite some time. Musicians still move me, writers still inspire and art in a number of media are still quite enjoyable. Contentment just always seems to be fleeting.
I think a lot. I talk a lot. I do not a lot.
Well, not a lot with which I feel genuine satisfaction. I work a meaningless large corporate environment job. It affords its benefits and as I'm well aware by the countless times I have heard this in the past year, "you should be thankful you even have a job in this economy." However, I am coming to realization that this existence in big company USA only reaffirms my disdain for that type of lifestyle.
I was supposed to have a book out this coming Christmas. Anyone remember that wanker that was on along with a friend and photographer pushing a book about Pittsburgh fandom? That was me. Still not out yet.
I guess failed relationships may be some sort of catalyst to me numbing myself. But now it is really just perceived failure regarding most all real, meaningful endeavors. To find someone/some path I love, I know I need to be someone I love. I also am aware that I may just be being cunty.
Getting back to the point at hand, I am going to conduct a self-imposed intervention of sorts on or right around Christmas. Spoken like a true addict, I'm not fully convinced that I am just yet. It just seems like some pro-activity needs to take place. I feel like a clear head is a must for any actual change to occur at this point. A continuous and entirely undeserved notion that [I]real[I] happiness is coming; is just fleeting within reach and somehow a definite needs to stop. The end of heavy partying may not be the end-all fix for this. I am beginning to realize that my self awareness is really one of my best and worst assets. It (and the toxins for lack of a better term) tend to put me in a place that goes between a sort of guilt and rationalization.
I just read this over. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore with this seemingly coke stained ramble. I just know that I need to make a change right now and has never seemed so urgent. Just writing this, knowing that I won't be the only one to ever read it feels somehow like a tangible step in the right direction.
Wait, what?
Tonight/ this morning is not unlike a shitload of others in recent or extended past, except it is. I will preface this by saying that I was doing coke earlier tonight. Naturally (not at all), this was after quite a few libations. And while I am coming down and not necessarily "fucked up", there's that.
The coke is clearly a contributing factor to what I plan to do (and this post), but tonight it was really more the action than the drug that brought about a new found clarity. I don't normally do it, just really don't enjoy it. Believe me, that's not to say I haven't enjoyed from time to time (namely college), but I really hadn't partaken in coon's age. Basically, I feel justified in saying that it is not a problem because I turn it down nine times out of ten. I hesitate as I am not entirely behind the conviction of this statement but; hard drugs are not my thing. y wheelhouse consists more of booze and pot but I am certainly not one to turn down things when offered.
I just erased a bunch of drivel about addiction to alcohol and other substances. What the hell do I know? Here's what it comes down to: I drink a lot. I then smoke weed or some other form of relaxation to kill a hangover/anxiety and continue the cycle from there. But really, who cares?
Anyway, here's what's really pushing me to post this (among other actions that I'm not sure I entirely understand just yet). I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know that is cliché, but it's true.
Tonight I realized that I haven't truly, I mean truly cared about much in quite some time. Musicians still move me, writers still inspire and art in a number of media are still quite enjoyable. Contentment just always seems to be fleeting.
I think a lot. I talk a lot. I do not a lot.
Well, not a lot with which I feel genuine satisfaction. I work a meaningless large corporate environment job. It affords its benefits and as I'm well aware by the countless times I have heard this in the past year, "you should be thankful you even have a job in this economy." However, I am coming to realization that this existence in big company USA only reaffirms my disdain for that type of lifestyle.
I was supposed to have a book out this coming Christmas. Anyone remember that wanker that was on along with a friend and photographer pushing a book about Pittsburgh fandom? That was me. Still not out yet.
I guess failed relationships may be some sort of catalyst to me numbing myself. But now it is really just perceived failure regarding most all real, meaningful endeavors. To find someone/some path I love, I know I need to be someone I love. I also am aware that I may just be being cunty.
Getting back to the point at hand, I am going to conduct a self-imposed intervention of sorts on or right around Christmas. Spoken like a true addict, I'm not fully convinced that I am just yet. It just seems like some pro-activity needs to take place. I feel like a clear head is a must for any actual change to occur at this point. A continuous and entirely undeserved notion that [I]real[I] happiness is coming; is just fleeting within reach and somehow a definite needs to stop. The end of heavy partying may not be the end-all fix for this. I am beginning to realize that my self awareness is really one of my best and worst assets. It (and the toxins for lack of a better term) tend to put me in a place that goes between a sort of guilt and rationalization.
I just read this over. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore with this seemingly coke stained ramble. I just know that I need to make a change right now and has never seemed so urgent. Just writing this, knowing that I won't be the only one to ever read it feels somehow like a tangible step in the right direction.
Wait, what?