I Cannot Cope With Death

[underdog]

I have no trouble dealing with my own mortality. I'm not scared of dying. But if other people pass, I cannot control my emotions. My father-in-law passed away this morning, and I cannot sit alone with my thoughts, at all. I just start tearing up and crying. I'm trying to be strong for my wife, but I feel like a wreck. Seeing her crying is just making it worse.

I've never been able to handle wakes or funerals. When my god-mother died when I was younger, I became hysterical at her wake. I couldn't stand to see her that way. When my grandfather died, I basically took a step in the door before I just broke down and had to leave. There's just something about losing people, even people I'm not close to or barely know, that just destroys me. I just turn into a blubbering mess. Movies do it to me a lot, too.

Obviously dealing with death probably isn't very easy for anyone, but I wish I could control my emotions a little more sometimes.

[JerseyRich]

I have no trouble dealing with my own mortality. I'm not scared of dying. But if other people pass, I cannot control my emotions. My father-in-law passed away this morning, and I cannot sit alone with my thoughts, at all. I just start tearing up and crying. I'm trying to be strong for my wife, but I feel like a wreck. Seeing her crying is just making it worse.

I've never been able to handle wakes or funerals. When my god-mother died when I was younger, I became hysterical at her wake. I couldn't stand to see her that way. When my grandfather died, I basically took a step in the door before I just broke down and had to leave. There's just something about losing people, even people I'm not close to or barely know, that just destroys me. I just turn into a blubbering mess. Movies do it to me a lot, too.

Obviously dealing with death probably isn't very easy for anyone, but I wish I could control my emotions a little more sometimes.

It's normal dude.

Letting it all out is a part of grieving. It doesn't make you any less of a person. It's a healthy sign that you are alive and are sensitive.

Sorry for your loss and give my best your chick and the rest of the fam. We're all here for you to let it out.

[MacVittie]

Whenever possible, I avoid going to funerals. I know it means a lot to the bereaved, but I always feel horrible and I never feel like I take anything positive away from the experience. I think its normal to be not content with the death of those close to you.

[Aggie]

I'm truly sorry for you and your family's loss. We are human, we are not meant to be in control all the time, especially at a time like this. It's OK to show your emotions. If you prefer that other people not see you try to let it out in private.

[Dude!]

i don't think parents should ever
take kids to funerals or wakes
they don't understand them
and no good for the kid can
ever come out of it

16+ only IMO

i wonder if you
lost a parent early in life
either to death or
through divorce
it would explain this as
a fear of abandonment
coming to the surface

[underdog]

i wonder if you
lost a parent early in life
either to death or
through divorce
it would explain this as
a fear of abandonment
coming to the surface

Nope. The earliest deaths I remember are my god-mother when I was 10 and my grandfather when I was 11. No one else close to me died until I was 17. And my parents are still together.

I think the thing that has me the most in tears is the fact that I have to drive an hour west of Buffalo, NY from Boston today.

[EddieMoscone]

Went to the wake of my mother's best friend last night. I knew the lady and was sad to hear of her passing, but it was being there and seeing how upset my mom and the woman's family was that really got to me. My mom wrote a letter to her that they put near the casket, and I couldn't get through 3 sentences without tearing up (I could not read it all).

[underdog]

Went to the wake of my mother's best friend last night. I knew the lady and was sad to hear of her passing, but it was being there and seeing how upset my mom and the woman's family was that really got to me. My mom wrote a letter to her that they put near the casket, and I couldn't get through 3 sentences without tearing up (I could not read it all).

I know that feeling. I think maybe I just empathize with the people going through their loss so much that it bothers me. It hurts not being able to take away someone's pain.

Plus, I always feel like I'm the worst at sympathy, so situations like this just make me feel worse, like I'm doing something wrong.

[Misteriosa]

there is nothing wrong with crying and having trouble dealing with the passing of those you know and love. its a fact of life that is as old as human history. the loss of someone you love could possibly be the worst pain a person can suffer. its been recorded in some of the greatest works in history. take achillies for example.

in the Iliad, he fought, but didnt really have real vested interst in the war. it was only when Hector killed Patroclus, that Achillies feels real pain and learns that lesson, and achilies' rage is legendary.

Sing, Goddess, of the rage, of Peleus' son Achilles
the accursed rage, which brought pain to thousands of the Achaeans

while achillies was able to decimate the trojans, its something you cant do. try some physical activty to get the blood flowing and give your mind a break. dont forget, mourning is perfectly normal. to not feel pain from your loss is to not be emotionally sound.

im sorry for your loss my thoughts are with you and your family.

im also sorry if i bored you to tears with my little epic literature lesson. i just sometimes find solace for myself by studying the past and how others have dealt with similar situations... i'll stop now... :down:

[drusilla]

it's very healthy to let your emotions out & get a good cry in. if you keep things bottled up inside it may only make you feel worse. you're only human & are acting totally normal. i'm sorry for your loss & send my best wishes towards your family.

[KatPw]

I have no trouble dealing with my own mortality. I'm not scared of dying. But if other people pass, I cannot control my emotions. My father-in-law passed away this morning, and I cannot sit alone with my thoughts, at all. I just start tearing up and crying. I'm trying to be strong for my wife, but I feel like a wreck. Seeing her crying is just making it worse.

I've never been able to handle wakes or funerals. When my god-mother died when I was younger, I became hysterical at her wake. I couldn't stand to see her that way. When my grandfather died, I basically took a step in the door before I just broke down and had to leave. There's just something about losing people, even people I'm not close to or barely know, that just destroys me. I just turn into a blubbering mess. Movies do it to me a lot, too.

Obviously dealing with death probably isn't very easy for anyone, but I wish I could control my emotions a little more sometimes.
What you are going through is perfectly normal, it is all part of the grieving process. You mention that you have this response to the deaths of those that you are not very close to, I believe that is perfectly normal also. When someone dies, it brings back the memories of the deaths of those you were close to. I'm a wreck when it comes to death, having lost both my parents in a short time frame. If a character I like on a show dies, I bawl like a baby.
I think it is better to cry and get it out, rather than bottle up your emotions. My mother internalized her grief, and I think that is one of the reasons she got so sick so quickly. You and your wife are strong for each other, I know my husband was very effected by the death of my parents; he cried as much as I did. I'm getting misty eyed just typing this.
We are all here for you Underdog.

[DOHO@HOME]

I have stopped going to wakes and funeral unless it is a close friend or family.
And if I do go I always stand outside otherwise I feel like a fainting goat.
Try to remember something that the person did or a time that you laughed with them about, that always makes it easier at these times for me.
Sorry for your families loss.

[Death Metal Moe]

Im sorry to hear about your loss underdog. All I can say is don't feel like you're wrong or different for not beind able to cope with death. None of us really can, some are better at hiding it than others. And it just happened man, it takes time.

I really think we live our whole lives coming to grips with our own death and the death of our loved ones. We're never really used to it or completely comfortable with it.

[weekapaugjz]

Underdog, I completely understand where you are coming from. My grandfather just passed away this past weekend. Its been one of the hardest things to deal with in my life. He was like my father and he looked out for me and my brother like we were sons because my dad died when I was only 2 months old. So even though I have dealt with his death for many years, my grandfathers death was hard because it was the first really close person to me that has died.

I tried to stay strong for my grandma by standing next to her at the viewing. The hardest part of the whole thing was the burial. The site was right next to my fathers grave. Me, my brother and my completely broke down standing there. As rich pointed out, it is healthy to show emotion at times such as this.

I'm very sorry for your wife and your loss. Its always a tough thing to deal with. Words don't begin to comfort you and your family in times like these. Lean on your wife and let her lean on you. That is the type of support you need in times like this.

Also, what's the name of the town you are heading to? That's my neck of the woods. I live an hour and a half south of buffalo now. I know you will have a lot going on but I'd love to meet up with you for a drink if you are up for it.

[ChrisTheCop]

Police Officers are taught to say that when dealing with the grieving, and after 19 years, it really sounds like an empty line each time I say it, but it is true.

I have learned to distance myself from the affects of a person's death on my emotions.
It's necessary in my line of work, because if I freaked out every time someone died, I wouldnt be very effective at my job. I have eaten my lunch in the same room as a dead person, and have watched tv with them. As a rookie, if I were sent to guard a dead body in their home, my first hope was that they had cable. I do not have trouble dealing with death.

The price of this skill came to light at the funeral of my own father, where I realized that as sad as I was, I could not cry. It was beneficial as I got to be the strong one, over my older brother and sister, but it definitely bothered me.

I attend friend's funerals to pay respects, not necessarily to mourn. But, what gets to me most is seeing the families dealing with their grief. That always gets to me. Not how sad it is that he or she is no longer living, but what is left behind, and how their lives have been changed by the recent death.

Well, that rather rambling explanation/confession was brought to you by my inability to say anything more than the true statement, "I'm sorry for your loss."

[ScottFromGA]

I have no trouble dealing with my own mortality. I'm not scared of dying. But if other people pass, I cannot control my emotions. My father-in-law passed away this morning, and I cannot sit alone with my thoughts, at all. I just start tearing up and crying. I'm trying to be strong for my wife, but I feel like a wreck. Seeing her crying is just making it worse.

I've never been able to handle wakes or funerals. When my god-mother died when I was younger, I became hysterical at her wake. I couldn't stand to see her that way. When my grandfather died, I basically took a step in the door before I just broke down and had to leave. There's just something about losing people, even people I'm not close to or barely know, that just destroys me. I just turn into a blubbering mess. Movies do it to me a lot, too.

Obviously dealing with death probably isn't very easy for anyone, but I wish I could control my emotions a little more sometimes.



honestly, there is no way any of us can explain or suggest how you should feel or whatever you can do to make yourself feel better.

it's all in how we are all different. To me, I didn't shed a tear when my grandfather committed suicide and didn't cry when my Mother died. Hell, I was in the same room when they were doing the autopsy on her, helped clean her up and then helped move her to the gurney when they were taking her to the hearse..I was only 23 years old as well......believe me, seeing your Mother dead, most would think that you'd be a wreck....but it wasn't hard cause I knew in my heart that she was in a better place and not suffering any longer.....that's really the only suggestion I can make, but it won't make any difference cause your emotions will always get the best of you in those circumstances.

Sorry to hear about your wife's loss.....it will be better in the end, I promise that.


actually, I bawled like a baby when I first got the news she had died...but by the time I got to my parents home, my emotions were over and I went to the stage of "Getting things ready to celebrate her life". Not to mention, we had to bury her on Sept. 11th, 2006......the day was just bad all together.

[underdog]

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Once we got out here, seeing my wife with her family and seeing how happy she was made everything much better. She's surrounded by loving people and it's great for her. And her father didn't want a wake (he's being cremated) so we're just having a small ceremony. She's not a big fan of wakes, either, so this is great for her, as well.

Also, what's the name of the town you are heading to? That's my neck of the woods. I live an hour and a half south of buffalo now. I know you will have a lot going on but I'd love to meet up with you for a drink if you are up for it.

We're in Cassadega (I think that's it - it's next to Fredonia).

[weekapaugjz]

We're in Cassadega (I think that's it - it's next to Fredonia).

no shit! that was the town i was born in. i live down in jamestown (a little less than half hour away right on the lake.

plus, if your wife has relatives in that town, i could be related too. it seems im related to half the population of that town and a few of the surrounding towns.

[underdog]

no shit! that was the town i was born in. i live down in jamestown (a little less than half hour away right on the lake.

plus, if your wife has relatives in that town, i could be related too. it seems im related to half the population of that town and a few of the surrounding towns.

Her family is sort of from Lily Dale. I think her great-great grandmother has a museum named after her. They're a bunch of mediums, or something.

I'm shocked at how much the hotels are around here. I paid the same money to stay in Manhattan that it would have cost to get a hotel in Dunkirk. The only really cheap one is the Dunkirk Motel and everyone told me not to stay there.

[weekapaugjz]

Her family is sort of from Lily Dale. I think her great-great grandmother has a museum named after her. They're a bunch of mediums, or something.

I'm shocked at how much the hotels are around here. I paid the same money to stay in Manhattan that it would have cost to get a hotel in Dunkirk. The only really cheap one is the Dunkirk Motel and everyone told me not to stay there.

yeah, dunkirk is a shithole.

i was just up in fredonia this afternoon with my girlfriend, she is going back to school at the college there.

also, i just read the obituary. im very sorry for your wife and your family's loss. he was still very young. i did not recognize the last name. the funeral home in which the arrangements are being done with was started and owned by one of my great uncles before he died, they do a fantastic job with everything.

did your wife go to highschool in cassadaga? if so, she may have known some of my cousins.

edit: i think i recognized one of the last names. did the family used to own a restaurant on cassadaga lake?

[underdog]

also, i just read the obituary. im very sorry for your wife and your family's loss. he was still very young.

He's been VERY sick for a long time. They thought he was gone like three weeks ago, but he made it through. He passed in his sleep, though, so he didn't suffer. He's much better off now. And the whole family realizes it.

did your wife go to highschool in cassadaga? if so, she may have known some of my cousins.

Nope, her family lived in New Hampshire for her whole life until she moved out. They moved out here a few years ago so they could be closer to the extended family.

[weekapaugjz]

He's been VERY sick for a long time. They thought he was gone like three weeks ago, but he made it through. He passed in his sleep, though, so he didn't suffer. He's much better off now. And the whole family realizes it.

it was the same way it was with my grandfather. even though you know or expect it to happen, it is never easy when it does.

[biggestmexi]

not trying to be a dick. But when people die it doesnt really bother me. no feelings.

[underdog]

not trying to be a dick. But when people die it doesnt really bother me. no feelings.

But people leasing cars do. Hmm...

[underdog]

So to a follow up to all this (I suppose), I have never felt pain like I did this weekend. Hearing the love of my life hurt so much and not being able to do anything about it was brutal. Just hearing her in that much pain is something I almost couldn't do. It absolutely destroyed me.

[underdog]

Since everyone is bumping old threads, I figured I'd bump this one.

One of my drivers passed away today. I'm not sure from what, but it was sudden. He's been with me since the beginning and was the best. I'm really going to miss the guy. I feel like I've lost a friend.

[GregoryJoseph]

Are you still as freaked out by it now as when you originally posted this thread?

[underdog]

Are you still as freaked out by it now as when you originally posted this thread?

I wasn't as broken down, but I had no idea how to react when I heard the news. I started laughing nervously and finally broke down in tears later on.

It just happened a few hours ago so I'll have to see how I continue to deal with it.

[midwestjeff]

One of my co-workers (and also my friend's grandfather) lost his wife last night.
She broke her arm a week ago and died unexpectedly from a blood clot.
She was fine when they went to bed.
I can't imagine the bittersweetness of a wonderful lifetime spent together
only to know that the rest of what you have left will have to be spent alone.

[Bigtchrist]

I'm the opposite... I'm so jaded from friends and faimly members dieing it dosent effect me really anymore..

[Furtherman]

Does Death Exist? New Theory Says 'No' (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-lanza/does-death-exist-new-theo_b_384515.html)

Fantastic article.

Many of us fear death. We believe in death because we have been told we will die. We associate ourselves with the body, and we know that bodies die. But a new scientific theory suggests that death is not the terminal event we think.

One well-known aspect of quantum physics is that certain observations cannot be predicted absolutely. Instead, there is a range of possible observations each with a different probability. One mainstream explanation, the "many-worlds" interpretation, states that each of these possible observations corresponds to a different universe (the 'multiverse'). A new scientific theory - called biocentrism - refines these ideas. There are an infinite number of universes, and everything that could possibly happen occurs in some universe. Death does not exist in any real sense in these scenarios. All possible universes exist simultaneously, regardless of what happens in any of them. Although individual bodies are destined to self-destruct, the alive feeling - the 'Who am I?'- is just a 20-watt fountain of energy operating in the brain. But this energy doesn't go away at death. One of the surest axioms of science is that energy never dies; it can neither be created nor destroyed. But does this energy transcend from one world to the other?

I saw this movie, it was called "The One".


But seriously, it makes much more sense than.... heaven, which is just silly.

[A.J.]

Does Death Exist? New Theory Says 'No' (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robert-lanza/does-death-exist-new-theo_b_384515.html)

Fantastic article.



I saw this movie, it was called "The One".


But seriously, it makes much more sense than.... heaven, which is just silly.

I've always had the same thought -- that after we die, our "soul" continues to exist as energy or in another dimension.

[topless_mike]

Although individual bodies are destined to self-destruct, the alive feeling - the 'Who am I?'- is just a 20-watt fountain of energy operating in the brain. But this energy doesn't go away at death

great. so now you spend the rest of your life in a dark box wondering what the weather is like outside?