Platonic friend/coworker

[zen]

Aight, here goes (and I apologize for the length of this post ahead of time). Over the past several months I have become really good friends with a female coworker. During the day we constantly find excuses to chill in the others office and when not doing that we text or email back and forth constantly. I was happy with this friendship but must admit that in the back of my head, I was considering the possibility of the relationship progressing further. I have never been one to straight ask a woman out cold. All of my serious relationships have started as friendships and developed into something more ("the guy with no game" is how Ron described it several weeks ago). Then boom ... on Friday I get the dreaded question. She starts asking me for advice about other guys - what's it mean when a guy does this or says this or sends you a certain kind of song. I was getting an inkling that "just friends" was where we stood but this pretty much cemented it. Now to sound all corny and trite, I really do value our friendship (she's such a hip chick) but here is where my dilemma arises. I'm not sure I can continue down the path were on (just friends) especially if I become the guy friend she comes to to ask about guy/relationship advice. On the other hand, I don't want to cut things off completely. Of course this is exacerbated because we work together. She'll definitely notice if I try to cut off contact completely but I'm wondering if pulling the band-aid off in one quick motion is the only option? Would be really interested in hearing the female's perspective on platonic friends you know have had an unrequited interest in you.

[MacVittie]

Every platonic friendship I have had has always stayed just that. The friendships that I have had that developed into relationships were well on that course from the beginning... there was romantic interest and the friendship was just a prelude to what was to come. Basically, I've never been able to turn a completely platonic friendship into anything more than that. If you can figure it out, let me know.

[sr71blackbird]

If you can turn off your romantic feelings for her, that would be great. This way you can stay friends. If not, you will be hurt emotionally with unrequited love. Not good. She might have thought you would make the move sooner and when you did not, she tested you by asking about other guys. You should have made your move I guess. But bear in mind, this is a woman you work with, and it is not easy to find new jobs now. See if you can have a serious talk with her and casually drop how you didn't want to make a move because you were concerned how she would react, being in the same work place, yada yada. But never forget that it is reaaaal hard to find a new job. It might be best to turn off emotionally and just be co-workers. You know? Good luck. Many of us have been there bro!

[Sinestro]

Do you both hang out after work or do things after work like go to the movies, hang out during the weekends or dinner? If all the stuff you do is at work, then your her best work friend.

How do your other co-workers perceive both of you hanging together in the work environment? Does your friend give you the eye "I'm watching you" when you talk to other women in the office or building or do your co-workers report back to your work friend of the stuff you do like talking to other women?

[sr71blackbird]

Another thing: is it possible she might not feel the same, and maybe something you said or texted panicked her a little? I have found girls will drop the "boyfriend bomb" when they think you might be getting too deep. If so, then this is a subtle warning girls do.

[A.J.]

Dating a co-worker is always bad. And since she apparently wants to keep it platonic, I'd look elsewhere. Unless you enjoy the thrill of hearing how she can't find a guy like you.

[zen]

Thanks. All solid advice/pondering points. Back to the refreshing anonymity and soul draining provided by the nearest rub and tug. :smoke:

[BronxJohnny]

Damn sorry to hear that if you had feelings for her. Worse thing is to feel one way while the other party involved just thinks of you as a friend. Don't be an asshole to her but dont be her mall buddy who holds her purse and has to listen to her stories of how shes catching the C by the new guy and needs some guy tips. You'll be fine brother theres always something better out there homie.

[zen]

And hearing from you has made the pain all worth it, brother. Mad love, Johnny. Where have you been? Missed not hearing you on the air or seeing more posts by you on here. You are the shit and your advice is truly appreciatted.

[TripleSkeet]

I never understood guys that would rather be friends with girls theyd really like to bang. If I really like the girl Id rather take the chance and make my move. Nothing is worse then being "just friends" with a girl you want to fuck.

Better to risk the friendship and make a move then to have to hear her tell you about every relationship she has with other guys.

To be honest though it sounds like youre too late. Once they start asking you dating advice youve basically turned into "that guy". You may as well have a vagina.

[Sinestro]

Any updates?

[Gvac]

I never understood guys that would rather be friends with girls theyd really like to bang. If I really like the girl Id rather take the chance and make my move. Nothing is worse then being "just friends" with a girl you want to fuck.

Better to risk the friendship and make a move then to have to hear her tell you about every relationship she has with other guys.

To be honest though it sounds like youre too late. Once they start asking you dating advice youve basically turned into "that guy". You may as well have a vagina.

You nailed it.

Some guys seem to think that the best way to get a woman is to befriend her and show her you're "not like other guys."

In your head that sounds good; to her it means you're gay.

Women don't want you to look them up and down lasciviously and grope them, but they do want some signal that you find them sexually attractive, or else they put you in the "pay no mind" category. Getting out of there is extremely difficult.

[zen]

Any updates?

Yeah. Following the advice received on this thread, I decided to just maintain and do my damnedest to remain good friends with the girl - nothing more. Several nights ago, I went out drinking with a handful of co-workers (the aforementioned girl was not among them). I ran into an old friend from high school who I also used to dig in a big way but never did anything with. Sensing a pattern yet? We both got sloppy drunk and she ended up coming home with me. Well, word gets back to the girl at the office and things have been frosty ever since. Is it jealousy? Anger at my "irresponsible" behavior? I don't know. Can't get much more than one word answers out of here currently. Maybe it's all for the best. Band-aid of in one quick motion - scab and all.

[Sinestro]

So any prospective office romance with her is over?

[Melrapuo]

Yeah. Following the advice received on this thread, I decided to just maintain and do my damnedest to remain good friends with the girl - nothing more. Several nights ago, I went out drinking with a handful of co-workers (the aforementioned girl was not among them). I ran into an old friend from high school who I also used to dig in a big way but never did anything with. Sensing a pattern yet? We both got sloppy drunk and she ended up coming home with me. Well, word gets back to the girl at the office and things have been frosty ever since. Is it jealousy? Anger at my "irresponsible" behavior? I don't know. Can't get much more than one word answers out of here currently. Maybe it's all for the best. Band-aid of in one quick motion - scab and all.

Could be a couple things. Could be jealousy. Maybe she sensed that you digged her, did pull the bf card, and when she found out you were with this other girl, it made her realize a bunch of things that she didn't know before. Honestly, who knows what she's feeling there. :drunk:

[sr71blackbird]

She will dig you more if she thinks you are a wolf. Why? I don't know.

[sr71blackbird]

Women tend to be drawn to dirtbags. I think that they think they can change them. That they are like Ken dolls that they can shape into what they want. But it almost never works, because all the dirtbags I know are always dirtbags.

[nate1000]

Yeah. Following the advice received on this thread, I decided to just maintain and do my damnedest to remain good friends with the girl - nothing more. Several nights ago, I went out drinking with a handful of co-workers (the aforementioned girl was not among them). I ran into an old friend from high school who I also used to dig in a big way but never did anything with. Sensing a pattern yet? We both got sloppy drunk and she ended up coming home with me. Well, word gets back to the girl at the office and things have been frosty ever since. Is it jealousy? Anger at my "irresponsible" behavior? I don't know. Can't get much more than one word answers out of here currently. Maybe it's all for the best. Band-aid of in one quick motion - scab and all.

You shifted the power back to you. Now all you have to do is explain to her that you dig her, but were confused by what you saw as mixed signals from her. Have a conversation about where she wants this to go- at a minimum, it is out on the table and you both can move forward from here without all the head scratching and second guessing.

And BTW- you weren't together- she's got no right to be pissed at you.

[ToiletCrusher]

No such thing. All relationships will result in sex and romantic feelings. Even if they are same sex.