John Galt
02-23-2009, 10:12 PM
A few weeks ago I was sitting next to this girl in a cafe. Wanted to say hi, so I asked her a question about my writing. Since then, every time we see each other, there's a quick wave and a hi. Two days ago while I'm waiting to use the bathroom, she comes up to me and we start chatting. A real conversation instantly; talking about life, identity, etc. Then I invite her to come to my table. Then we take our respective pisses and shits. Later as she leaves with her friend, she comes up to me and we start chatting again while her friend waits. I ask if she wants to meet, she replies we'll run into each other tomorrow. Haven't run into her since.
Here's the thing: six months ago I would have been so damn excited about this. Excited, over-analyzing, freaking out, planning too far ahead, the whole lot of it. Now I'm strangely cool about everything. In fact I found myself talking about the run-in a lot, not because I was thrilled, but because I was trying to talk myself into freaking out, being excited, the way I would have been. Obviously it's a good thing, it seems like positive growth, but still it's weird to me that A) I'm so acutely aware of why I say, think, and do everything, and B) that in a way, I actually miss the "me" who would meet a girl once and stress over it for days, even though it made me miserable.
To be fair, six months ago I was still getting over a massive break up. The kind Richard Pryor talks about when he says "men don't express their feelings, they keep that shit bottled up...walk around and get hit by trucks." I'm misquoting. The break up notwithstanding, I have never been so chill about these things. And I don't mean I'm cool, I mean I've stopped giving a fuck. If I see her again and it develops, great. If not, I enjoyed having a good conversation with a pretty girl. How is it that I can not only recognize my own development, but that every step of the way I've thought, "I'm changing right now?"
I'm not saying it's bad or good, it is what it is. I don't want to sound like I'm somehow special. But I do wonder if other people near my age (22) or any age, have the same awareness.
Even as I'm writing this, I realize the underlying reason is to share this, get some thoughts, and thus feel a sort of connection. Interestingly enough I was raised a psychiatrist's son, yet I've never been subjected to theories or psychobabble. Got here on my own. Thought I'd throw this out there.
Here's the thing: six months ago I would have been so damn excited about this. Excited, over-analyzing, freaking out, planning too far ahead, the whole lot of it. Now I'm strangely cool about everything. In fact I found myself talking about the run-in a lot, not because I was thrilled, but because I was trying to talk myself into freaking out, being excited, the way I would have been. Obviously it's a good thing, it seems like positive growth, but still it's weird to me that A) I'm so acutely aware of why I say, think, and do everything, and B) that in a way, I actually miss the "me" who would meet a girl once and stress over it for days, even though it made me miserable.
To be fair, six months ago I was still getting over a massive break up. The kind Richard Pryor talks about when he says "men don't express their feelings, they keep that shit bottled up...walk around and get hit by trucks." I'm misquoting. The break up notwithstanding, I have never been so chill about these things. And I don't mean I'm cool, I mean I've stopped giving a fuck. If I see her again and it develops, great. If not, I enjoyed having a good conversation with a pretty girl. How is it that I can not only recognize my own development, but that every step of the way I've thought, "I'm changing right now?"
I'm not saying it's bad or good, it is what it is. I don't want to sound like I'm somehow special. But I do wonder if other people near my age (22) or any age, have the same awareness.
Even as I'm writing this, I realize the underlying reason is to share this, get some thoughts, and thus feel a sort of connection. Interestingly enough I was raised a psychiatrist's son, yet I've never been subjected to theories or psychobabble. Got here on my own. Thought I'd throw this out there.