Who "wears the pants"??

[LaBoob]

Who "wears the pants" in your relationship? If you're single, how do you prefer it? Do you usually dominate the relationship or do you like to take a backseat and allow someone else to make the majority of the decisions? Is it a PERFECT partnership, 50/50?? I feel like that's impossible. One person's going to dominate. Who is that in your relationship?

My mother was the breadwinner in my family growing up and took care of everything. She'd work a 9-10 hour day and then would come home and have to get dinner on the table. My dad allowed her to take care of everything, thus basically willingly giving up all his responsibilities and rights. Any money my dad made he handed right over to my mother, and she'd give him an allowance to spend. My mother is SUPER dominating. She's Alpha all the way. If someone disagrees with her she gets really loud and intimidating and it's funny watching it because everybody always backs down, including me! I can barely even look her in the eye.

My mother influenced my sister... my sister is 10X more contolling with her husband than my mother ever was. She yells at him for EVERYTHING he does... no matter how minor. She gave him a baseball hat she'd brought back with her from a trip to Vegas once and he was looking at it and she yelled at him to be careful and not break it. Break a baseball hat??? This is just one of many stories. Everytime he opens his mouth to talk, she yells at him to be quiet, or says his name in this "warning" type voice, like warning him to not speak or to watch what he says. Everytime he makes any kind of move to do something she yells at him. She'll make him get up from the table and get her something, then yell at him to not drop it, or that he didn't do it right. The guy can't do anything right!
I lived with them for a little while and it was TORTURE for me and I swear it took a few years off my life. I barely ever left my room, barely ever even had the energy to leave the house I was so worn out from all her yelling. In her case it's not even "wearing the pants", it's being abusive. I can now tolerate the situation better than I used to, if instead of getting extremely aggravated I try to think of it as funny. It helps, but it's still extremely abrasive.

I do tend to wear the pants. I guess I like to argue and I like to be right. And I usually strongly feel like I AM right... and I can usually convince my partners that I am. I try not to be controlling though. It's something I'm trying to improve. I don't WANT to be in control. I don't WANT to be like my sister and my mother. I'd like to be taken care of a little bit. I'd actually really, really like a situation where the guy knows how to "handle" me... not be controlling or dominating, but to let me feel like I'm in charge, but knows what buttons to push to get me to go his way.

[RAAMONE]

in all past relationships i have...but currently she does i think...i've always fought alot in previous relationships. i'm pretty laid back and i find it easier to just go along with her way sometimes because its way better than fighting about it

[JPMNICK]

I def wear the pants. I am very nice to the women I date. I cook, and I clean. but i do it because I enjoy it. I will make concessions, so for me it is not a 100/0 split. it is more of a 75/25 split. I am more of the person who steers the relationship then controls it

[Furtherman]

Sorry LaBoob, you're wrong!

[LaBoob]

Sorry LaBoob, you're wrong!

Haha... :furious:

don't get me started!

[Jennitalia]

it's a little bit of both in my relationship. i've mellowed out in my old age and there's normally no arguing in the relationship. we're usually ok with what the other person wants to do. since i went back to school full time and now just starting out with a new career, he's been the breadwinner and i've taken the role of 50's housewife - cooking/cleaning/running errands. i dont mind, i actually enjoy the cooking. but i usually get what i want :happy:

[topless_mike]

i let her wear the pants.

my motto is "happy wife = happy life"; meaning as long as i dont stir shit up and keep her happy, she wont nag me. i will deal with just about anything as long as she's content.

seems easiest that way.

[RAAMONE]

i let her wear the pants.

my motto is "happy wife = happy life"; meaning as long as i dont stir shit up and keep her happy, she wont nag me. i will deal with just about anything as long as she's content.

seems easiest that way.

exactly...i can deal with little shit as long as were arent fighting about somethibng stupid all the time

[LaBoob]

i let her wear the pants.

my motto is "happy wife = happy life"; meaning as long as i dont stir shit up and keep her happy, she wont nag me. i will deal with just about anything as long as she's content.

seems easiest that way.


You sound like my dad... and there are guys, like my sister's husband, that are 100% cool with being controlled or dominated, or just simply taking a backseat - as long as it leads to peace, but in my sister's case it never does... she just immediately finds something else to bitch about. My dad allowed it, but there were times he wasn't so thrilled with it and it lead to a lot of fights. My mother always won. Always!!!!!

Once it's established who's wearing the pants, can you change it? Or is that the way it's always going to be?

[JPMNICK]

You sound like my dad... and there are guys, like my sister's husband, that are 100% cool with being controlled or dominated, or just simply taking a backseat - as long as it leads to peace, but in my sister's case it never does... she just immediately finds something else to bitch about. My dad allowed it, but there were times he wasn't so thrilled with it and it lead to a lot of fights. My mother always won. Always!!!!!

Once it's established who's wearing the pants, can you change it? Or is that the way it's always going to be?

once it is established, that is the way it is. it can not be changed with out massive fights and the discussion about how "you have changed". That is why being open and honest from the beginning is the best way. cause if you fake your way into making someone love you, then you are going to end up in a bad situation.

I could not be one of those "happy wife = happy life" guys. I would love for my wife to be always happy, but I could not have that happen at my expense. I think finding someone who fits into your personality is the way for everyone to be happy. If that is what works for someone, I am all for it. But I could never get yelled at by my chick for spending money or doing shit wrong all the time, but at the same time i would NEVER do that kind of shit to her.

[topless_mike]

from here on out, its all good if i'm 2nd chair..

[King Hippos Bandaid]

easy one, my wife

[CountryBob]

I find it best to just let the mother-in- law (cunt) make all the decisions for us. No matter how much i say it ends up being that way anyway.

[tupper65]

Neither my wife or myself wear any pants.

Either of us will take the lead on one decision or the other but we try to get feedback from each other whenever possible. By no means is it anywhere near a perfect system but we seem to get by with it

[WhistlePig]

Husband wears the pants, definitely. I'm passive and a "keep the peace" type person. I hate arguments so I'm pretty agreeable most of the time.
I used to wear the pants more often about 10 years ago when I was making more money than my husband but now I'm working part time from home and being a stay-at-home mom. Actually I guess I wear the pants where my child is concerned since I'm in charge of her all day!!

[JPMNICK]

it really seems like money = control in most relationships, especially when married or living together

[Jimsy's Girl]

My mom wears the pants too in her and my father's relationship. I guess I never really dug that. In the past I have always been in charge, cause I throw a fit if I don't get my way. Now that I am in a more adult relationship I see the error of my ways. I am pretty self sufficient and don't depend on another to take care of things, but I must admit that it is nice to be taken care of sometimes or just not be responsible for every task. I am currently in love with a guy who shares the load. He keeps me from taking everything so seriously. In that respect he keeps me in check.
We live under a "patriarchy" in our place. That's what he likes to say, but I don't adhere to that credence. Anyway I am gonna say we both have a leg in the pants.

[Jujubees2]

For me, it's like it was when I was growing up, my wife wears the pants though not to the extent my mother did. My mother, who was a stay at home mom, controlled everything. We never even bothered to ask my father for anything because he would just tell us to "go ask your mother".

I, on the other hand, take a more active role in the raising of our kids (they're actually here with me now in the office - spring break week for them). And when it's a major decision (vacations, new car, etc.) my wife and I talk about it before we decide.

[Thebazile78]

it really seems like money = control in most relationships, especially when married or living together

It does, doesn't it.

Probably because the party with the greater earnings tends to make more of the "big" decisions for the living situation, be it unmarried-and-living-together or married, simply because they have more spending power.

For some couples, if money determines the "pants," I think that this is a sore spot, especially when both partners have different spending habits and/or attitudes towards money.

I think a lot has to do with both your money attitude AND your perception of what your and your partner's roles are at the base level ... for years, I out-earned my (now) husband. Now, he out-earns me.

This is a huge adjustment for me because I've lost some economic clout. But, similarly, I don't feel as strapped for cash because I am no longer "supporting" two people on my salary. (Not that I ever was supporting 2 people on my salary, but I perceived it that way in some instances, especially when buying groceries and paying rent/cable/utilities at my old apartment. This was always a bone of contention. It continues to be an inequal situation, which is why we're considering combining our spending budget for household expenses, like groceries and rent so there's no perception of inequality.)

[JPMNICK]

It does, doesn't it.

Probably because the party with the greater earnings tends to make more of the "big" decisions for the living situation, be it unmarried-and-living-together or married, simply because they have more spending power.

For some couples, if money determines the "pants," I think that this is a sore spot, especially when both partners have different spending habits and/or attitudes towards money.

I think a lot has to do with both your money attitude AND your perception of what your and your partner's roles are at the base level ... for years, I out-earned my (now) husband. Now, he out-earns me.

This is a huge adjustment for me because I've lost some economic clout. But, similarly, I don't feel as strapped for cash because I am no longer "supporting" two people on my salary. (Not that I ever was supporting 2 people on my salary, but I perceived it that way in some instances, especially when buying groceries and paying rent/cable/utilities at my old apartment. This was always a bone of contention. It continues to be an inequal situation, which is why we're considering combining our spending budget for household expenses, like groceries and rent so there's no perception of inequality.)

me and my chick came up with a great system, we split everything based on % of our income to the total income of the house.

so if i was making 60k and her 40k, i made 60% of our money coming in and she made 40%. she i paid 60% of the bills and she paid 40%. that way it kind of both "hurt" us the same amount. what we did was put a fixed amount into a joint account every month. we had 1 CC that we used anytime we did anything together or did anything for the apt, gifts for families whatever. at the end of the month, the rent, bills, and CC bill all got paid out of there. it was a pretty fair system. any extra money left over we kept in personal accounts, and any side money we made we also kept.

[mendyweiss]

I Wear Checkered Chef Pants. Gives Me More Authority When I'm Cooking Fluffy American Cheese Omlets.

[MobCounty]

I earn, and we both spend enough to make it where I don't earn enough..

[Thebazile78]

me and my chick came up with a great system, we split everything based on % of our income to the total income of the house.

so if i was making 60k and her 40k, i made 60% of our money coming in and she made 40%. she i paid 60% of the bills and she paid 40%. that way it kind of both "hurt" us the same amount. what we did was put a fixed amount into a joint account every month. we had 1 CC that we used anytime we did anything together or did anything for the apt, gifts for families whatever. at the end of the month, the rent, bills, and CC bill all got paid out of there. it was a pretty fair system. any extra money left over we kept in personal accounts, and any side money we made we also kept.

That sounds like it works well for you two.

Great job on finding a compromise!

[topless_mike]

i work, but wifey pays the bills.
if she says we cant afford it, then we dont buy it.

[Judge Smails]

I've given up on pants.

[Wolfie]

When I was married, she wore the pants. That's why I left. Now she's got the help of the courts in wearing them, and my pants are all I've got left.

[Thomas Merton]

LaB, at the risk of sounding like a dick, what is the pant size of your sister?

[FUNKMAN]

When I was married, she wore the pants. That's why I left. Now she's got the help of the courts in wearing them, and my pants are all I've got left.

preach on brother, preach on...

although i still have some shorts and underwear

[LaBoob]

LaB, at the risk of sounding like a dick, what is the pant size of your sister?


Haha.. good question.. I guess? May I ask what your logic is behind this question? And by the way, I don't know the exact size, but she's not skinny... I'll just say this... I'm the more attractive sister. I've had this pointed out to me before and I don't necessarily feel GOOD about it, but these are the facts. What can I say? :smile:

[JPMNICK]

Haha.. good question.. I guess? May I ask what your logic is behind this question? And by the way, I don't know the exact size, but she's not skinny... I'll just say this... I'm the more attractive sister. I've had this pointed out to me before and I don't necessarily feel GOOD about it, but these are the facts. What can I say? :smile:

you feel a little good about it :)

[LaBoob]

you feel a little good about it :)

Only cuz she's such a bitch. When she's stomping around red faced and screaming I can kind of hold that in the back of my mind. I'd never use it against her.

Growing up, incidentally, it was the complete opposite... I was an ugly duckling and all of our guy friends we grew up with had HUGE crushes on her. Nobody ever had a crush on me. :down:

[topless_mike]

we all have a crush on you now.... (your posts are awesome)

[LaBoob]

:wub:

tee hee

[grlNIN]

It does, doesn't it.

Probably because the party with the greater earnings tends to make more of the "big" decisions for the living situation, be it unmarried-and-living-together or married, simply because they have more spending power.

For some couples, if money determines the "pants," I think that this is a sore spot, especially when both partners have different spending habits and/or attitudes towards money.

I think a lot has to do with both your money attitude AND your perception of what your and your partner's roles are at the base level ... for years, I out-earned my (now) husband. Now, he out-earns me.

This is a huge adjustment for me because I've lost some economic clout. But, similarly, I don't feel as strapped for cash because I am no longer "supporting" two people on my salary. (Not that I ever was supporting 2 people on my salary, but I perceived it that way in some instances, especially when buying groceries and paying rent/cable/utilities at my old apartment. This was always a bone of contention. It continues to be an inequal situation, which is why we're considering combining our spending budget for household expenses, like groceries and rent so there's no perception of inequality.)

This is exactly what i was thinking about when i started reading the thread the other day, just haven't had a chance to really respond until now.

My boyfriend and i live together but it always seems like when things need to be bought for "us" that i always end up footing the bill. I get paid bi-weekly and my income is enough to take care of my bills and have a little extra to either throw into savings or hold on to. He on the other hand gets paid every week and can barely make the check last until the following Wednesday, that being said our pay is relatively equal.

I feel that whoever takes on more responsibility(ies) in the relationship is the one who's wearing the pants. In this case it would be me. I don't know if it's a female thing, that we're just naturally better planners and preparers for what's to come or if it's a need to control(which in some cases it is for me). I expect my signif to take on the same responsibilities as i do but in all actuality i end up owning up to more shit.

It depends on circumstances too, this in reference to the economic points. He comes from a very well to do family who has basically sheltered him into a shell of real world experience. In saying that i mean he has never paid a bill in his life(car insurance, cell phone, car repairs, school etc.) and because of this he obviously has no credit and no understanding of how to spend/manage money.

Whereas i come from a household in which you were lucky if something was just given to you for free and if you wanted certain things for yourself then you better provide them for yourself(i wanted internet so i footed the bill every month). I think this taught me a lot about money, how it works, where it NEEDS to go over where you would LIKE it to go and generally just taking on responsibilities as an adult.

So all of that = I wear the pants, i totally think it has to do with not only each partners economic standing(income, mindset, habits) but the committal to taking on some heavy duty responsibilities.

[Jujubees2]

Reminds me of one of my favorite jokes:

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."

So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"

So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on."

She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine."

He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."

So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.”

[LaBoob]

Reminds me of one of my favorite jokes:

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, "Here, try these on."

So, she did and said: "These are too big, I can't wear them.'"

So I replied: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will." Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon he took off his pants and said to Jill: "Here try these on."

She did and said: "These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Jack said: "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill removed her pants, handed them to Jack and said: "Here, you try on mine."

He tried and said: "I can't get into your pants."

So she said: "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.”


Haha... this just reminded me that my mother used to tell me when I was younger that on my wedding night I have to make a point to step on my husband's foot because that will mean I'm the dominant one in the relationship. If he steps on mine he's in charge. I don't know if this is a tradition or something my mother just made up? I'll have to ask her.

[LaBoob]

BTW, I remember thinking when I was younger that in order to get married you had to find someone else with the last name as you...

I asked my mother if that was the case and she said "Yes." !!! I went on believing this for a LONG time. Thanks Mom!

[Furtherman]

You step on my foot on purpose and I'm throwing you down on the couch and tickling your armpits until you beg for mercy.

[FUNKMAN]

one night i did wear the panties but that's a whole nother thread...

[JPMNICK]

BTW, I remember thinking when I was younger that in order to get married you had to find someone else with the last name as you...

I asked my mother if that was the case and she said "Yes." !!! I went on believing this for a LONG time. Thanks Mom!

i bet you were scared when you had never met another LaBoob before that you would be single forever

[LaBoob]

You step on my foot on purpose and I'm throwing you down on the couch and tickling your armpits until you beg for mercy.

Is that a promise?? That post gave me goosebumps.


JPMNICK: i bet you were scared when you had never met another LaBoob before that you would be single forever


I'm Polish, with a VERY Polish last name, so the thought of finding the same was daunting, to say the least, even as a small kid.

[JPMNICK]

i am friends with this lady who is 33 years old who up until last year thought the craziest thing ever. she is really successful, smart, very pretty, but kind of naive and never really questions anything.

anyway she thought the only way to get pregnant was if both people had an orgasm at the same time. she does not remember who told her this, but she always thought it.

[LaBoob]

i am friends with this lady who is 33 years old who up until last year thought the craziest thing ever. she is really successful, smart, very pretty, but kind of naive and never really questions anything.

anyway she thought the only way to get pregnant was if both people had an orgasm at the same time. she does not remember who told her this, but she always thought it.

Haha... nice... I thought all that needed to happen to get pregnant was for the penis and the clitoris to touch - like, I thought that's how people "had sex"... I thought that up until freshman year of high school! Thank God for sex ed!!!

[weekapaugjz]

I'm Polish, with a VERY Polish last name, so the thought of finding the same was daunting, to say the least, even as a small kid.

what is it, wejkyzaearkaskcnaaski?

[Furtherman]

Is that a promise?? That post gave me goosebumps.

I swear on my shiny shoes it is!

[Jughead]

Ive been pant less for 33 years....

[LaBoob]

I swear on my shiny shoes it is!


Shiny... and soon to be scuffed :smile:

[Bulldogcakes]

I feel that whoever takes on more responsibility(ies) in the relationship is the one who's wearing the pants. In this case it would be me. I don't know if it's a female thing, that we're just naturally better planners and preparers for what's to come or if it's a need to control (which in some cases it is for me). I expect my signif to take on the same responsibilities as i do but in all actuality i end up owning up to more shit.

I think it has way less to do with gender and more to do with the two people's personality type and what parts of their personality a relationship brings out. I've seen this go both ways, man in charge and woman in charge, and in this thread we've seen it on both sides. I think it goes all the way back to what attracted you to that person in the first place. People who are more flighty are attracted to people who are more responsible. People who are responsible tend to be more serious and they're attracted to flighty, fun loving types. Each seems to offer something they lack.

I will add this, however. Without fail, every woman I've known who felt like she had to be the one in charge resented it highly. Whether she would admit it or not, the way they interact screams resentment coming from her direction. And it was always worse the older they were. I think men are either socialized or expect on some level to "take care" of a wife financially. When women have to pay the bills (or even work in some cases) they tend to act like the man they have is not much of a man, and feel like they should have done better. Of course there may be exceptions, but that's been my experience.

[Thomas Merton]

Haha.. good question.. I guess? May I ask what your logic is behind this question? And by the way, I don't know the exact size, but she's not skinny... I'll just say this... I'm the more attractive sister. I've had this pointed out to me before and I don't necessarily feel GOOD about it, but these are the facts. What can I say? :smile:


One of my many broad brush theories is large women tend to be dominant, perhaps transferring their low self-esteem unto their husbands who are also struggling with self-worth issues

Hearing that she was the "attractive" one as a kid but has let herself go only confirms my mysogenistic theory

You go girl