The Hemhoroids Diaries

[Rockvillejoe]

First of all, i know i misspelled hemorroids. thats the least of my worries.

Dear Diary,

The other day, while in the shower, as i'm cleaning my asshole, as we all do from time to time, I shockingly felt this hard marble sticking out of my asshole. my first inclination was to think back to last night and attempt to remember if i sat on anything round and hard. no, i thought. unless you consider Mrs Rockvillejoe's face round and hard as I farted on her as she lay sleeping.

then i peer at the calender, and sure enough, it's that god damned time of the year...

harbingers of spring: many of us look for the first robin. for others, it's the first bud on the bare tree outside the cozy homestead or in the park on a brisk saturday afternoon; some realize it when the SI swimsuit issue is on the stands. but for me, it's the annual itching, painful discomfort of feeling like half of your asshole is hanging out. and thats not the worst part.

if you take a shit, no matter how thorough you wipe, your white underdrawers are wracked with an excessive amount of brown streaks of shit..... at least my dog was happy, as he jumped into the hamper and tore into the underpants like it was a piece of steak.

and then its off to the local apothocary, to purchase a tube of preparation H. the cashier giving you that look, like, ha-ha you got hemmoroids, douche bag, and no, i won't fuck you. so stop looking at my pendulous tits with the massive areolas with thumb sized nips, and my very obvious camel toe, with lips that seem to be vertically mouthing the words, "eat me", you perverted old fucker.

but i digress.

"prep h" with that wonderful applicator with tiny holes that allow the miracle cream to "reach the far inner anal cavity". after several wasted misguided attempts, you take a big glob on your forefinger, and just stick it up your ass, with the hopes when you push the magic marble up, it will stay up in your asshole pocket. and yes. I used the same forefinger for flossing moments later.

and what a wonderful feeling it is, to have all of that cream in your asshole, leaking through your underpants, (yes underpants, what do you call them, briefs?), and onto the expensive couch that mrs rockvillejoe considers more valuable than you. so you flip the cushion and stick a paper towel between your ass cheeks like a sanitary napkin.....class.

oh diary, you always let me express myself. thank you ever so much for listening. until next time,

RVJ

[midwestjeff]

Your dog likes to eat people shit?

Oh, and sorry, I hope your asshole gets better.

[Dougie Brootal]

short story of the year.

rockville joe, you should be a writer. :lol:

[Recyclerz]

This thread is useless without pic.....

On second thought, no, it's not. :blink:

[WhistlePig]

I know how you feel man...
http://www.ronfez.net/forums/showthread.php?t=49529&highlight=hemorrhoid

[Rockvillejoe]

short story of the year.

rockville joe, you should be a writer. :lol:


lol. lately this is what it takes for me to write. hemorhioids. and who came up with this name? hemhoriods.... was it some doctor named hemoroid who discovered them? "and in other news, Dr. Julius Hemmoriod disovered today....." and the spelling. even spelling the word is a pain in the ass. the whole fucking scenario stinks. the name, the spelling, the affliction. fuck.

[Rockvillejoe]

This thread is useless without pic.....

On second thought, no, it's not. :blink:

visualize 2 ass cheeks with a small balloon popped out from the middle. a pulsating, veined, purple balloon. there you have it.

[Hottub]

I can't decide which thread is hotter. Yours or Whistlepig's.

[joethebartender]

Skip the Preparation H...find this stuff. You'll thank me. You'll have a happy starfish again in no time!
http://a1061.g.akamai.net/7/1061/5412/home/www.walgreens.com/dbimagecache/390809.jpg

[TheMojoPin]

Do the 'roids give an elaborate and verbose farewell each time they go? That would make their inevitable return all the more annoying.

[Jughead]

That is the funniest thing Ive ever read!!!!..Oh... and I'm so sorry about your asshole......RVJ..Is not on strike anymore....Hope ya all got a big %..Juggy

[Team_Ramrod]

Poke your roids with a sewing needle, they go away with no incident.

Try it.

[WampusCrandle]

a story of one man's struggles with life's darkest opponents, a man who brought tears to my eyes, and gaping to my ass. the next "Da Vinci Code".

[Friday]

http://www.wackbag.com/images/smilies/icon_eek.gifhttp://www.wackbag.com/images/smilies/icon_eek.gif

[SatCam]

lol. lately this is what it takes for me to write. hemorhioids. and who came up with this name? hemhoriods.... was it some doctor named hemoroid who discovered them? "and in other news, Dr. Julius Hemmoriod disovered today....." and the spelling. even spelling the word is a pain in the ass. the whole fucking scenario stinks. the name, the spelling, the affliction. fuck.

Would you rather call them piles?

[FezPaul]

I farted on her as she lay sleeping.




Unless this is something your wife enjoys I would say you got what you deserved. :tongue:

[Rockvillejoe]

Unless this is something your wife enjoys I would say you got what you deserved. :tongue:

just for your edification: poetic license on the "farting on her face" and the "camel toe vertically mouthing "eat me"". these 2 things did not actually happen, FP.
please don't wish this affliction on anyone FP. i did on veteran character actor charles durning after his less than stellar performance in "tootsie", and now who's laughing? not me. thank you.

[Rockvillejoe]

a story of one man's struggles with life's darkest opponents, a man who brought tears to my eyes, and gaping to my ass. the next "Da Vinci Code".

i'm not worhty of such praise, but ty, wampus...
and may add, i heartily agree about that poor skakel fellow. hasn't he suffered enough? doesn't his petite features yet manly face scream innocence? first ted and chappaquidick and that raw deal, and now another kennedy under the gun, so to speak.

[Rockvillejoe]

Poke your roids with a sewing needle, they go away with no incident.

Try it.

lol. how appropo that team ramrod would suggest a poking. with a sewing needle needle no less. you know, how nutty as it seems, why not? what do i have to lose? thanks. i'll let you know how it goes.
hc is right. it does take a village sometimes, doesn't it?

[Rockvillejoe]

That is the funniest thing Ive ever read!!!!..Oh... and I'm so sorry about your asshole......RVJ..Is not on strike anymore....Hope ya all got a big %..Juggy

Thanks. In all seriousness, if i may, i love this forum. most of us have the same sense of humor. i guess that's why we listen and enjoy R & F so much. that whole show inspires me. especially mr b.
it's weird. when i write one of these "verbose" entries, i can remember exactly what i write, word for word, days later. it's almost like how one can remember lyrics to a song without really trying. i get a lot of relaxation from writing this shit. it's fun.
anyway. i'm not used to compliments in any phase of my life, so thanks.

[Rockvillejoe]

Do the 'roids give an elaborate and verbose farewell each time they go? That would make their inevitable return all the more annoying.

lol. you know, when i think back to that whole "farewell" and "i'm back" phase, i want to bury my head. the arrogance that anyone would really give a crap is not lost on me at this time. i was a relative newbie at the time.

i still enjoyed the whole "arc" of the thread if you will. i think it still reads funny, and so do the responses. "mrs. rockvillejoe" made her first appearance. marc with a c was brutally funny, as were most of the veteran members with a sense of humor. bulldogcakes will always have a friend with me. he had my back and showed big balls. dougrasso rules in my book, too.

the thread got a shitload of responses and views, and even mr b., yes THE mr b. mentioned my name. (albeit like i was some new asshole on the scene and he called me joe rockhead. still, i'm not worthy). anyway, people still bring it up 2-3 years later, so it did stick in some peoples psyches.

one more thing, oh hallowed mod. the verbosity and flowery language is THE joke. To have someone attempt to write in that manner about things like hemmorhoids or camel toes is the joke. i strive for the highest level of absurdity in my real life everyday. don't always achieve it, but it is the only thing that keeps me sane. that and asian porn of course.

[TheMojoPin]

Miss Mrs. Rockvillejoe.

[Rockvillejoe]

Skip the Preparation H...find this stuff. You'll thank me. You'll have a happy starfish again in no time!
http://a1061.g.akamai.net/7/1061/5412/home/www.walgreens.com/dbimagecache/390809.jpg

thanks. really. i'll try it.

[Team_Ramrod]

Did you try poking them yet?

if not, forget about that....

Treat the roids like a boil. Lance them!

Try this.... just substitute the word 'boil' for 'hemorrhoid' (http://www.ehow.com/how_2054677_lance-boil.html)

[Rockvillejoe]

Did you try poking them yet?

if not, forget about that....

Treat the roids like a boil. Lance them!

Try this.... just substitute the word 'boil' for 'hemorrhoid' (http://www.ehow.com/how_2054677_lance-boil.html)

a-hahhhhh. got it. shouldn't be any blood, right? i hope not because i am a bleeder. too many excedrin you know.

[SatCam]

lol. how appropo that team ramrod would suggest a poking. with a sewing needle needle no less. you know, how nutty as it seems, why not? what do i have to lose? thanks. i'll let you know how it goes.
hc is right. it does take a village sometimes, doesn't it?

you could just eat more fiber

[Team_Ramrod]

Please SatCam, don't give him any silly ideas....

[ROCKVILLEJOE'S HEMMOHROID]

I'd like my two cents. I'm sick of Rockvillejoe trashing me. Sorry if I sound like Paulie Walnuts, but that jabroni started using preparation H and it's shrunk my hemmorid brain. I used to sound like William F Buckley. Not any more, skip. I even got silva wings on the sides too. ohhhhhhhhh.

Anyway, I hear he's been whinin about me sticking my head out of his ass. Wahhhhhh! Fuck you! RVJ. if ya cocksucker wouldn't strain so much when we are on the bowl, I'd gladly send the turds out toot sweet! but nahhhhh.

And let me let you in on a little secret, skip. I've met some interesting objects lately other than a prep h applicator. Sewing needles, a nose, and a furry little creature popping out of a cardboard paper towel holder. Yeah, a little fagola if ya ask me! ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. hey, pass the gaba goo.

You tink it's fuckin easy being in dis guys ass? i get creamed, fingas, and paper towels constantly. but as bad it is,ya should here what marc wit a c's asshole is sayin. ohhhhhhh!

so as long as i'm around, i'm gonna be a pain his ass. all dat flowery talk don't mean shit to me, skip. so fuck all of yas and ya better watch it, or i'll be stickin outta yor ass too.

[lleeder]

I can't believe this thread is beating out my midget confession. You guys are obsessed with dirty men's assholes.

[Rockvillejoe]

I can't believe this thread is beating out my midget confession. You guys are obsessed with dirty men's assholes.

hi lleeder. this mrs rockvillejoe. hi everyone, it has been awhile. i'm sorry if my voice is kind of low, i have the sniffles. been crying a lot lately.

as you all know, my hubby, rockvillejoe, is recuperating from a rather embarrassing episode of accidently sitting on my sewing needles. that poor rascal!

he has the worst luck! in the past that poor man has accidently sat on his bowling trophy, a squiggly long life light bulb, a prell shampoo bottle, and even the other night he mistook my face as a seat cushion! the poor dear! he was so shocked, the poor dear farted and accidently made ca-ca all over my face!

this time he needed to be admitted into the hospital. not just an ER visit.

you see this time, the sewing needles cut open his anus cavity. (sorry for my graphic words), and he was bleeding profusely.

all he kept muttering was something confusing. he kept screaming, "ramrod cocksucker! ramrod cocksucker! i trusted him!" any idea why? he must have been hysterical, the poor fellow.

things have been rather strained lately. many nights, i swear i have been hearing arguing with someone who sounded like paulie walnuts from the sopranos, but there were only 2 of us in the room. i chalk this up to my lack of sleep.

anyway, i want to thank all of you for your messages of good will and rest assure RVJ will be back better than ever as soon as they get the bleeding to stop and his anus gets sewn up. rather ironic that he will be getting sewn up after a sewing needles misphap.

so, happy easter, all, and here's to a better spring season for all of us. god bless.

[Kris10]

So good to hear from Mrs. RVJ. :smile:

[Furtherman]

Nightlife: Cream of the Crop (http://standingonthebox.blogspot.com/2008/05/nightlife-cream-of-crop.html)

Could this possibly be true?

Preparation H – yes, that Preparation H – and increasing numbers of local young men like Mr. Minichiello are using it for purposes other than the treatment of hemorrhoids.

“The way you use it,” said Mr. Minichiello, “is to take your shirt off and rub it all over yourself before you go to the club. It makes you look fucking ripped.”

The science behind the use of Preparation H is somewhat hazy – bodybuilders claim it pulls excess water from underneath the skin – but Mr. Minichiello said he won’t leave for “the club” without applying it. “If you want to get laid, you have to know how to dance,” he said. “And if you want girls to dance with you, you have to look ripped.”

These kids today would rather starve than not come to our clubs, and this is certainly reflected in the rising sales of Preparation H on Long Island, in New Jersey and elsewhere.”

Figures.

[TooLowBrow]

Nightlife: Cream of the Crop (http://standingonthebox.blogspot.com/2008/05/nightlife-cream-of-crop.html)

Could this possibly be true?


Figures.

'hey, you smell like my grandpa! lets dance!'

[sr71blackbird]

I had problems with mine for decades and found an answer that might help you.
Please hear me out before you dismiss it or laugh.
The main reason why people generally get them is lack of fiber. I had a sensitive stomach and generally crap quite often. I was always scared of fiber for this reason.
I got confirmation from two people who use this product that it helped them tremendously.
Its called Konsyl. Its cheap and basically it is Metamucil. It is a bulk forming laxitive. It doesn't make you shit like youd think a laxative would. What it really does is correct whatever is wrong, wether you shit too often or not enough. Its unique

The Konsyl thickens as you stir it into water, so try and guzzle it fast. I sometimes put some sweet n low in it because it tastes very bland and I put it in a water bottle and shake it up and drink it quick. It will thicken in your bowel and add fiber which will keep the roids at bay.


http://www.thehorse.com/images/content/Products/konsyl.jpg

[Mike Teacher]

Wow, its hard typing while balled up in a fetal position holding your crotch

[TheMojoPin]

Makes sense that those Strong Island champs are doing it...Lord knows it looks like they were already squeezing an entire tube in their hair.

[JPMNICK]

start using drugstore.com for all your embarrassing personal needs

[Hottub]

Go to hell spammer.

[KingModem]

Is this why my asshole itches all the time, then when i wipe it there is blood on the toilet paper and it burns like crazy?

[sr71blackbird]

I used this stuff called hemorroid harry's herbal remedy and honest to god, the stuff worked! It has which hazel in it. It is a caplet and you take a few of them a day for a month and they just go away. Amazing.

[sr71blackbird]

Here is the website: http://www.hemroidharry.com/

Also, I use the psyllium fiber as well. I get the cheap one in walmart that is in caplet form and has calcium. Try it. Good stuff.