RFW: The Alkinator vs. "The Smooth Operator", Max Silk

[Silly Puddy]

Scene: The Bennington Brewery outside the Whatley Memorial Auditorium in Pinellis Park, FL. Max Silk is at the bar putting the moves on a slightly amused brunette, when out of the corner of his eye he sees his girlfriend Sally Diamond coming back from the bathroom. Her shirt is soaking wet, and she's looking furious. Nearby patrons smell a mix of Bar Soap and Vomit as she walks bye.

Max Silk: (to the brunette at the bar, loud enough so that Sally can hear) Uh, now look, lady, I'm flattered, but this man is a one-woamn guy.....Hey baby, I missed you. Whew, what's that smell?

Sally Diamond: Max, that lousy Alkinator hit on me outside the bathroom.

MS: (sniffing the air again) Well, I know he's disgusting, dear, but that's still no excuse to throw up on yourself.

SD: <b> I </b> didn't throw up on myself. <b> HE </b> threw up on <b> ME </b>. And then he...he...he...he <b> BELCHED </b> in my face! Max, are you going to let him get away with that?

MS: Uh...OF COURSE NOT! Where is he. I'll go and teach him a lesson he'll never forget.

(Max spots the Alkinator having an animated conversation with the foozball table. Max marches over to him with purpose, Sally in hot pursuit).

MS: How DARE you put the moves on MY woman! What gives you the right to hit on her?

SD: And don't forget him puking on me, either.

MS: (looking back at Sally) whut?... Oh yeah, and how DARE you puke all over my woman's shirt. <b> I </b> bought her that shirt. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't take you out right here, right now?

(Max puts on his best tough guy face staring straight at The Alkinator, while Sally beams at her man's bravery for defending her. They both await The Alkinator's reply...........)





I think, therefore I am..............a moron.

[Silly Puddy]

(Scene: Still inside the Bennington Brewery.)

(Max is standing a few feet from The Alkinator, waiting to see what the Alkinator will say. To everyone's surprise, the Alkinator merely looks at Max, and returns to his conversation with the foozball table.)

Max Silk (suddenly feeling really confident): Yeh, that's right, buddy. And don't let me catch you trying anything again!

(Max starts to walk back to the bar, Sally happily tagging alongside)

MS: Man, I know I can be pretty scary to mess with, but what a COWARD! Figure he could tell pretty quickly that I'm much more than just a stunning physical man. Guess I showed HIM. Don't worry, baby, he's not gonna mess with you again.

Sally Diamond: Oh, Max, you are so awesome. Thanks for standing up to that creep.

MS: Hey, baby, nobody messes with what's mine. Now why don't you take this money and fill up the music box. And see if they have something OTHER than hillbilly crap.

SD: Sure thing, sweetie.

(Sally heads over to the CD player, leaving Max alone to resume his conversation with the hot brunette up at the bar. She's currently talking to a heavy-set guy who looks like he oughta be in radio.)

Heavy Guy: Yeah, I got this Radio show back in New York city with my friend Fezzie. I'm just in town to have Thanksgiving dinner with his family.

Brunette: (not particularly interested) Is that so?

MS: Hey, tubby, don't you have a burger platter for you at the other end of the bar?

Heavy Guy: Oh man, now I'm starvin'.

(Heavy Guy walks away. Max takes his place next to the brunette).

MS: So, where were we?

Brunette: Ummmm...I think you were telling me why they call you "The Smooth Operator". Something to do with the phone company, right?

MS: (big fake laugh) Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh boy, that's funny. But seriously, baby, I've EARNED that name over and over and over.

Brunette: Does your girlfriend over there call you that? (she looks over Sally at the CD player)

MS: (looking over as well) Her? You mean my older sister?

Brunette: Your older sister? You call your older sister "Baby"?

MS: (lost for a comeback) uh...well, she's a little shy about her age, so I try to make her FEEL better by calling her my "baby" sister. I call her baby for short.

Brunette: Oh really? So I guess you wouldn't care that she's being hit on by that drunk again?

(Max turns around to see The Alkinator putting the moves on Sally again. Sally is obviously not happy about this, and breaks away to run back to Max).

SD: Max, that creep is hitting on me again!

MS: (suddenly realizing that his threat was not taken very seriously) Uh..well, at least he didn't throw up on you this time.

SD: Max, please, do something. He's such a jerk!

MS: (obviously not sure he's up for this again, but not wanting to look like a chump) OK, baby, let's go over there and finish this.

(Brunette snickers in the background. Max does a quick head-turn, but turns back to Sally with a reassuring look and heads back over to the Alkinator).

MS: (putting on his tough guy face again) Look, Alkinator, I TOLD you to leave my girl alone! Do you have some kind of death wish? I warned you that I'd take you out if you pulled this crap again, and look what you do! Man, if I wasn't so concerned about setting a bad example by starting a bar fight, I'd bust you up right here.

(Alkinator is looking at Max the whole time this is going on. What's going through his head right now?.............................................. ..




I think, therefore I am..............a moron.

[IrishAlkey]

Al: (stares at Max cross-eyed and tilts his head to one side) BUUUUURRRRRPPPPP!!!!!

MS: (takes two giant steps back and whips his head away from the stench of Al's breath) Alright, you're obviously ain't coherent enough to know what you're doing, so I'll let you slide just ONCE, but don't think you'll be this lucky again! (grabs Sally by the arm and proceeds to walk out of the bar)


Scene 2: Same brewery, next day.

(Max and Sally are sitting at the bar having some beers with the fans. MS gets up to go to the bathroom, leaving Sally alone for a minute. Al walks in and Sally notices him out of the corner of her eye)

SD: Awwwww, crap, maybe he won't notice me sitting here.

Al: (Al puts one foot in fron of the other and slowly makes his way over to Sally at the bar) Hey, little lady! What's a place like you doin' in a girl like this? *hiccup*

SD: Ummm, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here. My boyfriend is in the bathroom, so you should probably leave.

Al: (grabs the pint glass from the patron next to her) Ahhhh, screw him! Have a drink with me sweet cheeks! (he smashes his pint glass into the Coors Lite bottle she has sitting in front of her, smashing both into pieces and covering her in beer once again)

SD: (jumps to her feet) You IDIOT!!!

MS: (heares the noise from the bar and runs out to see what is going on, notices Al trying to dry off Sally's chest with a bunch or bar napkins) WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? (gets within three inches of his face and swells up) I told you to stay out of my way. I've had enough of your drunken BULL!

Al: (stares into Max's eyes without flinching) GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!!!

MS: (steps away from Al) Alright, you got it buddy.

Al: (turns to the bartender) Hey, bartool. Gimme a pint of (CRACK!!!)

MS: (picked up a barstool and cracks it over the back of Al's head, when Al hits the floor Max begins to attack him on the floor, wedging Al's neck between the bar rail and Max's boot) You thought this was all a joke? I warned you that you had one more chance! You blew it, whino! Remember, don't be fooled by the smoothness of Silk!!!
(Max grabs Sally and backs off of Al)

(drunken strength gets Al to a sitting position again and he pulls himself up with the help of the bar, Max backs far away amazed that the guy can stand)

Al: (starts walking towards Max, stops a foot from him, passes him, then turns to look at him before leaving the bar) You,ve got your wish pretty boy! You just earned yourself
a match across the street, in that very ring! AND...THAT'S...MY...TIP!!!!!

Yes, there's even room for Alkey on RF.net!

This message was edited by irishalkey on 11-19-01 @ 8:21 PM

[Silly Puddy]

Scene: The Whatley Memorial Auditorium. Jim Ross and Paul Heyman are at the announcer's desk discussing recent events...


JR: Ladies and gentlemen, just a few moments ago, we saw Max Silk attack The Alkinator at a local establishment, apparently over a pass made to Sally Diamond.

PH: An "establishment"? It's was a BAR, JR, stop being so politically correct. And how can you call protecting your girlfriend an attack?

JR: Well, gee, I don't know Paul, perhaps the fact that the Aliknator wasn't even looking when Max Silk jumped him.

PH: JR, not that you'd know this, since there ain't a man alive that would come within 100 yards of your ugly old lady, but a man has every right to stand up for his woman.

JR: Well, as much as I'd like to debate this issue with you, I understand Erik Newburg is backstage, and apparently Max Silk has just returned to the arena. Eric, can you hear us?

Erik Newburg: (a nervous, already perspiring middle age man) Uh, yes, JR, I'm hear waiting for Max Silk to approach the locker room area. I'm hoping to get a reaction from him about the Alkinator's challenge.....

(Max and Sally come into view and are marching toward the dressing rooms. Max seems a little less brash than before, but there is definitely a scowl on his face. He catches sight of Erik Newburg and heads over).

EN: Max, it looks like the Alkinator has laid down a challenge to face him one-on-one in the ring.

MS: Really? I had NO idea! Man, I'm sure your old journalism teacher is so impressed that you can watch a DAMN MONITOR AND FIGURE OUT WHAT'S GOING ON! Nice work, ya old chrome-dome tub of jello. Alkinator, who in the mighty hell do you think you are? Of all the people your ugly drunk-ass has to creep up on, and you pick me. You think you can make a name for yourself by going after my fine-looking woman? (Sally smiles and strokes Max's arm. The Smooth Operator is starting to get his bravado back) Punk, if you were looking to get my attention.......you got it! You wouldn't be the first man you thought he could glom some attention off The Smooth Operator. Well chump, (Uh oh, Max is starting to get a swelled head again) it looks like I'm gonna have to make an example of you for everyone else here in the RFW.

EN: So, Max, does that mean you're accepting the Alkinator's challenge?

MS: Look, goober, if you're gonna speak to me, I suggest you call me Mr. Silk, unless you wanna get Pin-dropped.

(Erik starts to cower as he's prone to do when confronted).

MS: Alkinator, any time, any place.

EN: (a little wimpier than before). Uh..could that time and place be as soon as The Alkinator shows up?

MS: (a little taken aback, not expecting to have to wrestle so soon) Hey, look, if I wasn't so tired from signing so many autographs today, I'd go and drag his ass over here and bring him into the ring. But here's what I'm gonna do. Alkinator, if you've got the GUTS to show up at SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY, then I'll be more that happy to prove to you something you were gonna have to learn eventually......You can't BE me, and you can't BEAT me.

(Max gives one last threatening stare in Eric Newburg's direction, and he and Sally leave the interview area).


JR: It's looks like we might have ourselves a slobberknocker this Sunday.

PH: (in a conscending tone)Oh, boy, another slooberknocker. Don't forget to bring your JR's Original Barbecue Sauce.



fade to commercial......



I think, therefore I am..............a moron.

[Silly Puddy]

Scene: Backstage at the Whatley Memorial Auditorium. A full day has passed, yet there has been no word regarding Max Silk's offer of a match at SUNDAY <font color="red"> BLOODY </font color> SUNDAY. Max and Sally are roaming around backstage. Max is lloking very confident, but Sally seems pensive. Erik Newburg is on the scene as we head back live from commercials.


Jim Ross: A sold-out crowd is hear in Pinellis Park, FL, and ......pardon me, folks, but I'm getting word that Erik Newburg is backstage, and it looks like he's trying to get a hold of the self-proclaimed "Smooth Operator", Max Silk.

Paul Heyman: And JR, I'm sure he'll have something to say about that lousy drunken bum, The Alkinator's non-response to Max's challenge for a match at SUNDAY <font color="red"> BLOODY </font color> SUNDAY.

JR: Erik, can you hear us.


Eric Newburg: Yes, JR, as you can see, Max Silk and Sally Diamond are right behind me, and let me see if I can get a word....Max...(Max shoots a penetrating glare at Erik Newburg, a llok he's more than confident enough to throw out there when the intended target poses no threat to him)..uh, I mean, Mr. Silk, any comments regarding the Alkinator not responding yet to your challenge.

Max Silk: Not responding yet? Try not responding AT ALL, ya ugly peon. It's obvious that once push came to shove, The Alkinator would rather wallow in another pint than be a man and fight me.

Sally Diamond (in the background, still looking worried): Um..honey, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Maybe he's just playing head games by making us wait. Or maybe he doesn't remember why you're challenging him in the first place. He'd had a lot to drink that night.

MS: (Sounding more brash and condescending than ever) Huh? When HASN't he had a lot to drink? Oh, I'm sure that now that you've put that idea in his head, he'll use it as an excuse for backing down from my challenge. But we all know the truth, don't we you pathetic loser. You KNOW what's in store for you if you ever step into the ring with me.

SD: (trying to maintain some level-headedness) Max, please, don't start jumping to conclusions. He's a very dangerous guy, and if you don't take him seriously, then...then..

MS: Then WHAT?

SD: I...I just don't want you to get hurt.

MS: (stunned by Sally's lack of faith in him). Are you saying you think the Alkinator can take me?

SD: Max, honey, that's not what I meant..

MS: Then what DID you mean? (Sally is starting to get a little teary-eyed, and can't seem to get any words out of her mouth). Listen here, are you WORRIED about that dumb whino taking ME out?

SD: No, no, of course not, Max. (trying to get back her brave face). You're the Smooth Operator.

MS: And a DAMN HANDSOME MAN, too. Look, Alkinator, I laid out the challenge, so why don't you show up this Sunday, because it looks like SOME people (looking at Sally) need to be reminded of something.....Alkinator, you can't BE me, and you can't BEAT me.

(As Max and Sally walk away, we can hear Max mutter "He's not gonna show up.").

EN: Um...back to you guys up fromt.

JR: Thank you Eric, and Paul, perhaps Sally was right? Maybe the Alkinator is trying to make Max sweat. We ALL know Max loves to talk a big game, so maybe by NOT responding, the Alkinator is hoping to let Max get a little too overconfidet.

PH: And with statements like that, we now know why <b> I'M the ANALYST, and YOU do PLAY-BY-PLAY </b>. Look, sometimes things just are what they seem. Max Silk laid out the challenge, and THe Alkinator is too chicken to accept it.

JR: How can you say that? The ALKINATOR was the one who FIRST challenged Max Silk.

PH: And in what level of intoxication was he when he MADE that challenge? I say the ALKINATOR's sobered up for about 2 minutes, realized he doesn't stand a chance against The Smooth Operator, and is now lying face-first in a toilet somehere in Tijuana.

JR: Somehow, I think you're wrong about that. Folks, we'll be right back.


fade to commercial.....

[PanterA]

Max: "Where the hell is he! I can't believe that no good wino is ignoring me! NOBODY IGNORES ME!"

Sally: "I don't think you should be getting this upset..."

Max: "This is driving me crazy!!"

*Max knocks over a desk bringing everything on top of it to a crashing fall*

Sally: "Please Maxy you have to calm down"

Max: "I can't! I CAN'T! Not while that drunken piece of garbage keeps ignoring me!"

Sally: "Well...maybe *she curls her finger around a lock of her hair* there's something I can do to *she licks her lips* relax you?"

Max: *Not really paying attention to her* "This is coming to an end tonight...I can't sit here and wait for Sunday Bloody Sunday!"

*Sally gets down on her knees and begins unbuttoning Max's pants*

Max: "I'm going to find that son of a bitch and I think I know where he is!"

*Max storms out of the locker room while Sally is on her knees with her mouth wide open not believing Max completely dissed her.*

[camera cuts to JR and Paul Heymen at ringside]

Paul: "What an idiot! He just left that beautiful woman to go after that drunk?!?"

*Paul starts to get up*

JR: "Woo where are you going?"

PH: "There's a woman waiting for me JR...you take the controls I'll be back in about 30 to 45 minutes"

JR: "If my watch is correct you'll be back in 30 to 45 seconds."

[cut to commercials]

[back from commercials]

[Inside the Bennington Brewery outside the Whatley Memorial Auditorium in Pinellis Park, FL. Max Silk busts threw the doors making everyone inside the bar turn around except one man to busy pounding a row of 10 tequila shots.]

*Alkinator throws back 1 then 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9...*

Max: "HEY YOU! The disgusting beast standing at the bar!"

*Alkinator shoots back the 10th and slams in down on the bar.*

Al: "Yeeeaahhh!!!" *He raises his hands in the air and stumble to his stool* "Bar keep how fast was that?!"

Bar Keep: "I think there's someone here for you." *He points to Max who is standing right behind Alkinator*

Al: [confused] "Huh?" *turns slowly*

Max: "That's right you drunk IT'S ME!!"

Al: "OK, and you are...?"

Max: "You know damn well who I am!"

Al: "Uncle Eddie?"

Max: "Who? Well, maybe this can remind you!"

*Max pulls back and gives Alkinator the biggest right hook, sending Alkinator flying over the bar.*

[everyone clears the bar area]

*Alkinator stands up from behind the bar*

AL: "Nope...I still have no idea who you are."

Max: "How about this..."

*Max picks up a bar stool and swings at Alkinator but Alkinator ducks just in time*

Al: "Woo I don't know who you are but if you want to play like that then maybe we can be friends."

*Alkinator jumps on top of the bar. Max swings the stool at his legs but Alkinator jumps over it. Alkinator jumps off the bar landing a solid drop kick to Max's chest sending him reeling back into the on lookers.*

Al: "Come on you son of a bitch!"

*Max gets pushed by the onlookers and Alkinator lands a breath taking spear crashing Max hard to the floor, causing Max to lose conciseness.*

Al: "I don't know who you are but...I CHALLENGE YOU THIS SUNDAY AT SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY!!"

*Alkinator grabs a beer out of someone's hand and exits the bar.*

[camera cuts to JR and Paul]

Paul: "Wasn't that challenge already made JR?"

[JR is at a lose of words as they cut to commercials]

http://members.aol.com/rnfpantera/rfsig4[B]I crush the rush. I rule you fool.

[Silly Puddy]

Scene: The Pinellis Park Emergengency room. Max Silk is awaiting an X-ray on his ribs. Sally Diamond has just arrived...


Sally Diamond: Max, are you alright?

Max Silk: Ow....What the hell do YOU think? That stupid drunk ATTACKED me.

SD: REALLY? Where?

MS: (not thinking) At the bar.

SD: (confused) Uh...what were you doing at the bar?

MS: Uh...did I say the bar? I meant at my CAR. Yeah, right in front of my car.

SD: We got here in a limo, Max. And since I arranged it, I KNOW it wasn't gonna pick us up for another 2 hours. So...what were you doing at the BAR!

MS: Look, whose side are you on anyway?

SD: Yours, sweetie, you know that.

MS: Then what's with the 3rd degree here? Don't you see I'm in pain? I might have broken ribs! And I think he might have messed up my hair?

SD: Max, look, I'm really sorry you got hurt, but you shouldn't have gone after him in the bar. That's HIS environment, not yours.

MS: Well, the worst part is that crazy drunk bastard challenged me for a match at SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY! Now why would I want to wrestle a lunatic like that on such short notice.

SD: Max...YOU challenged HIM earlier this week. In fact, you were furious in the locker room that he never responded.

MS: (now REALLY agitated): WHOSE.....SIDE....ARE...YOU....ON?

SD: Max, you know I'm your number 1 fan. But call a spade a spade. You already challenged him. While he was obviously too wasted to realize it, he's merely challenged you back. Now you can wrestle him this Sunday and PROVE you're the better man. I KNOW you'll beat him.

MS: (starting to get his composure, and his ego, back) Yeah, you're right. That stupid drunk thinks HE can actually beat ME. Well, we all KNOW that'll never happen.....Ow, lousy sneak-attacking son-of-a-bitch...

Just then, the doctor arrives...

Doctor: Hullo....I'm Dr. Poo. We're ready for your stool sample now. Take as long as you need. If you require assistance, Nurse Dukes will give you an enema.

MS: But I'm here for an X-ray on my ribs.

Doctor: That's what they all say.


Max is dragged into a room...a loud scream is heard as the show cuts to commercial....




I think, therefore I am..............a moron.

This message was edited by Silly Puddy on 11-24-01 @ 2:04 AM

[Silly Puddy]

Scene 1: The Pinellis Park Hospital. Max Silk has just emerged from the Emergency Room. He seems to be walking funny, resembling a penguin. Dr. Poo is with him.


Dr. Poo: Your X-rays are negative. Looks like a minor bruise, so go home and rest. Oh, and sorry about the mix-up.

Max Silk: You bastards will be hearing from my lawyers, I promise you.

Sally Diamond: Max, I'm so glad you're alright. It looks like you'll be fine for your match with The Alkinator this Sunday. Come on, I'll take you home.

MS: Ya know, Sally, I think we need to make a pti-stop before we go home. Do you have the video camera with you.

SD: Of course. I always have it ready for a good photo-op, sweetie.

MS: Well baby, tonight I think we should film a little home movie.

SD: (very apprehensive) uh..what do you have in mind.

MS: You'll see, baby, you'll see...Let's go.


Max and Sally head toward the exit when suddenly...


MS: (starting to grimace in pain) Uh, wait here, I need to ....ow...(Max runs off to the nearest bathroom, holding his butt-cheeks together)




Scene 2: The next night at the Whatley Memorial Auditorium in Pinellis Park, FL. SUNDAY BLOODY SUNDAY is just around the corner, and Jim Ross and Paul Heyman are at the announce desk putting the final hype on the big event.


JR: Ladies and gentlemen, as all of you know, this Sunday is going to be a HUGE night for the RFW. It's our first foray in Pay-Per-View, and I KNOW it'll be a hell of a night.

Paul Heyman: And based on the action we've seen this week, I think it's safe to say that the boss came up with the perfect title, SUNDAY <font color="red"> BLOODY </font color> SUNDAY.

JR: We've got some huge matchups lined up, and...

Cue "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart.

JR: Good Lord, are we gonna have to hear from this guy again?

PH: Show some respect, JR, because that music can mean only one thing... we're about to hear from the Sexiest man in the RFW, The Sooth Operator, Max Silk.

JR: Well I'm no expert on good looks..

PH: Well that's an understatement

JR: Be that as it may, Paul, but I can tell you Max Silk would do well to pay heed to the beating he took last time from The Alkinator if he doesn't want a repeat performance this Sunday night.

PH: Look, JR, Sally said it best, Max Silk may not be in his element in a bar, but trust me, this Sunday, The Alkinator will be No MATCH for this guy in a wrestling envrionment.

JR: Well that's still to be seen, Paul?


Max Silk and Sally Diamond have finished strutting and preening to the unappreciative crowd. Thankfully, the god-awful song has stopped playing, but now Max has the mike.

MS: So, ladies, tell me something....Do ya think I'm.....Sexay?

(Sally's cheering is completely drowned out by the boos and catcalls from the crowd, though a rather effeminate-looking man in a "Momma loves Bobo" shirt seems to be pretty excited to see Max.

MS: Since there's only so much I can take of the stench
in this place, let me make this as quick as possible. (lots of boos from the crowd). The last time many of you last saw The Alkinator, he was viciously attacking me in a bar. (the crowd FINALLY cheers something Max says. Sally yells at the crowd to shut up, Max makes a face beore continuing). Well, I've got a little surprise for you people....no lard-butt mamma, you'll NEVER get that lucky....ya see, I've got a little footage that you might find rather interesting...roll the footage back there in the truck, morons...

JR: Footage? What footage?

PH: Maybe we'll get to see Max at a modeling shoot.

JR: Then I'm glad I haven't eaten yet.

PH: You actually missed a meal?


Just then, footage comes up on the FezzieTron. We see a grainy, Blair Witch Project-style shot outside the alley on the Bennington Brewery. We see The Alkinator coming out of a door.

The Alkinator: (very plastered) Man, this a REALLY big bathroom. Kinda breezy, too. (he walks toward an aluminum garbage can) WOW, silver toilets!

(The Alkinator p