The Belcher
11-17-2001, 12:30 PM
I must know this for my research paper. What I mean by "BEST" place refers, of course, to those circumstances when ALL OF US have been either stranded without a proper toilet to shit in, or were in the mood to be "funny" one day and perhaps laid a cable on some bastards birthday cake. All of these are commonly referred to as "Shit Stories", which is news to none of you pigs. I have many "shit stories" of my own, and will describe one of my favorites to get us started.
[center][b]A Shit Story
I was working on a low-budget music video as a production coordinator years ago, and I was on the road at about 4:30am heading from Queens to the University of Bridgeport in CT, where we were going to film the video at the school's outdoor stage. It was February. It was about 12 degrees out, and it was friggin windy. The producer, a friend, was driving the production van that we were in, and he insisted that we stop for coffee along the way. I can't drink coffee so early in the morning because coffee makes me shit, and shitting is not what I wanted to be doing on that particular day. (FYI- I always evacuated my colon the night before any m/v production began, and barely ate for the 3 to 5 days of production, so I would NEVER inconveniently have to shit while in the middle of a job) During the drive after the pit stop, the producer kept offering me coffee saying "Here, have some coffee, you're falling asleep... I need you awake today." Finally, I agreed to have one gulp. Mistake. Within about ten minutes, my stomach got ta churnin...... fuck. The school was another 20 minutes away, and the bastard didn't believe that I really had to shit "just like that", so he refused to pull over. We got to the school, and by then I was ready to vomit. We were the first ones there by about an hour, and were supposed to be met by a fucking overpaid union janitor that was getting a kickback to let us into the school early on a Sunday morning...... but the JANITOR DIDN'T SHOW, AND I HAD TO MAKE A POOP!! I was pissed, shivering from the blasting cold wind and the paralyzing waves of intestinal pain, and I needed a "place"..... I walked around the small circular building that we were supposed to use, and I found an alleyway that had a set of stairs that went below ground level that led to a big heap of discarded school chair-desks. This was still totally outdoors, but almost private. I arranged 2 chairdesks so that I could hold myself up by the forearms, like a big armchair, and drop my pants, and hopefully shit right there on the ground. So, I dropped my drawers, and struggled to hold myself off the ground, only to find myself pissing at my own pants and underwear. As I struggled to reach forward to grab my pants and hold them further away from myself.... my FIRST volley of shit landed smack dab in the middle of my underwear, and then I fell flat on my ass while the SECOND turtle's head was poking out of the shell, and I smeared THAT piece of crap all over my ass. Now I was pissed. I was wearing giant hiking boots, and now I had to try to 1. Stand up without shitting myself up any worse, and 2. Take off my boots, pants, and underwear.
That's when I heard the OTHER production truck pulling up right near the alley. I nervously fumbled to get my poopie underwear off, and finally did, having to use every bit of Burger King napkins to clean the smear off of my ass. After I was finally dressed, I started laughing my ass off like a mongoloid, and decided that my shitty BRIGHT RED UNDERWEAR should be placed on public display for someone to find during the day. I snuk up the stairs like a spy, and scoped out the terrain. The goddam truck was only TEN FEET AWAY, so I couldn't leave the alley with my trophy just yet. I waited about 5 minutes, and realized that if the truck was there that people were probably looking for me, so I just decided to throw the underwear up into the tree that was right above the alley and the truck. It was like flinging a sock full of mud. As I swung the thing up and away from my body........ the e
[center][b]A Shit Story
I was working on a low-budget music video as a production coordinator years ago, and I was on the road at about 4:30am heading from Queens to the University of Bridgeport in CT, where we were going to film the video at the school's outdoor stage. It was February. It was about 12 degrees out, and it was friggin windy. The producer, a friend, was driving the production van that we were in, and he insisted that we stop for coffee along the way. I can't drink coffee so early in the morning because coffee makes me shit, and shitting is not what I wanted to be doing on that particular day. (FYI- I always evacuated my colon the night before any m/v production began, and barely ate for the 3 to 5 days of production, so I would NEVER inconveniently have to shit while in the middle of a job) During the drive after the pit stop, the producer kept offering me coffee saying "Here, have some coffee, you're falling asleep... I need you awake today." Finally, I agreed to have one gulp. Mistake. Within about ten minutes, my stomach got ta churnin...... fuck. The school was another 20 minutes away, and the bastard didn't believe that I really had to shit "just like that", so he refused to pull over. We got to the school, and by then I was ready to vomit. We were the first ones there by about an hour, and were supposed to be met by a fucking overpaid union janitor that was getting a kickback to let us into the school early on a Sunday morning...... but the JANITOR DIDN'T SHOW, AND I HAD TO MAKE A POOP!! I was pissed, shivering from the blasting cold wind and the paralyzing waves of intestinal pain, and I needed a "place"..... I walked around the small circular building that we were supposed to use, and I found an alleyway that had a set of stairs that went below ground level that led to a big heap of discarded school chair-desks. This was still totally outdoors, but almost private. I arranged 2 chairdesks so that I could hold myself up by the forearms, like a big armchair, and drop my pants, and hopefully shit right there on the ground. So, I dropped my drawers, and struggled to hold myself off the ground, only to find myself pissing at my own pants and underwear. As I struggled to reach forward to grab my pants and hold them further away from myself.... my FIRST volley of shit landed smack dab in the middle of my underwear, and then I fell flat on my ass while the SECOND turtle's head was poking out of the shell, and I smeared THAT piece of crap all over my ass. Now I was pissed. I was wearing giant hiking boots, and now I had to try to 1. Stand up without shitting myself up any worse, and 2. Take off my boots, pants, and underwear.
That's when I heard the OTHER production truck pulling up right near the alley. I nervously fumbled to get my poopie underwear off, and finally did, having to use every bit of Burger King napkins to clean the smear off of my ass. After I was finally dressed, I started laughing my ass off like a mongoloid, and decided that my shitty BRIGHT RED UNDERWEAR should be placed on public display for someone to find during the day. I snuk up the stairs like a spy, and scoped out the terrain. The goddam truck was only TEN FEET AWAY, so I couldn't leave the alley with my trophy just yet. I waited about 5 minutes, and realized that if the truck was there that people were probably looking for me, so I just decided to throw the underwear up into the tree that was right above the alley and the truck. It was like flinging a sock full of mud. As I swung the thing up and away from my body........ the e