Critique me...nicely [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

romey79

01-07-2007, 07:33 AM

Season of ContritionI remember standing, anxious, waiting at the corner for you to walk past.  Slipping in and out of shadows, melding with the lunch hour foot traffic in the park.  I watched you, silently sitting on a weather-beaten bench embraced by the naked branches of a weeping willow mourning the spring.  Holding a tattered book and never turning pages, your cold blue eyes thawed by warm tears. Maybe it's the wind that wets your cheeks, or thoughts of me that conjure salty regret. Late April in a greasy cafe, we talked about nothing and everything in the avocado and rose colored booth.  Our shared plate of french fries, neglected and cold, pushed to the edge of an ashy-yellow Formica table top.  Smoke swirls danced as we sipped the night away, one chipped cup at a time.  We haven’t spoken since, me avoiding life, you avoiding me, but I miss you more than I should.

Don Stugots

01-07-2007, 07:37 AM

ok, i dont know anything about good writing or bad, but i would like to read more.  it might be too descriptive but what do i know.    keep it up and keep it coming.

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 07:38 AM

romey79 wrote: Season of ContritionI remember standing, anxious, waiting at the corner for you to walk past.  Slipping in and out of shadows, melding with the lunch hour foot traffic in the park.  I watched you, silently sitting on a weather-beaten bench embraced by the naked branches of a weeping willow mourning the spring.  Holding a tattered book and never turning pages, your cold blue eyes thawed by warm tears. Maybe it's the wind that wets your cheeks, or thoughts of me that conjure salty regret. Late April in a greasy cafe, we talked about nothing and everything in the avocado and rose colored booth.  Our shared plate of french fries, neglected and cold, pushed to the edge of an ashy-yellow Formica table top.  Smoke swirls danced as we sipped the night away, one chipped cup at a time.  We haven’t spoken since, me avoiding life, you avoiding me, but I miss you more than I should.I would have gone with onion rings.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 07:42 AM

CHEER UP!  You michigan homo

romey79

01-07-2007, 07:42 AM

I liked french fries for the alliteration, personally I'd rather have nachos...

sailor

01-07-2007, 07:43 AM

FezPaul wrote: romey79 wrote: Season of ContritionI remember standing, anxious, waiting at the corner for you to walk past. Slipping in and out of shadows, melding with the lunch hour foot traffic in the park. I watched you, silently sitting on a weather-beaten bench embraced by the naked branches of a weeping willow mourning the spring. Holding a tattered book and never turning pages, your cold blue eyes thawed by warm tears. Maybe it's the wind that wets your cheeks, or thoughts of me that conjure salty regret. Late April in a greasy cafe, we talked about nothing and everything in the avocado and rose colored booth. Our shared plate of french fries, neglected and cold, pushed to the edge of an ashy-yellow Formica table top. Smoke swirls danced as we sipped the night away, one chipped cup at a time. We haven’t spoken since, me avoiding life, you avoiding me, but I miss you more than I should.I would have gone with onion rings. heall yeah!  or curly fries at least.  other than that, it sounds a little stalkerish.  stalkery?  eh.

boeman

01-07-2007, 07:44 AM

FezPaul wrote: romey79 wrote: Season of ContritionI remember standing, anxious, waiting at the corner for you to walk past.  Slipping in and out of shadows, melding with the lunch hour foot traffic in the park.  I watched you, silently sitting on a weather-beaten bench embraced by the naked branches of a weeping willow mourning the spring.  Holding a tattered book and never turning pages, your cold blue eyes thawed by warm tears. Maybe it's the wind that wets your cheeks, or thoughts of me that conjure salty regret. Late April in a greasy cafe, we talked about nothing and everything in the avocado and rose colored booth.  Our shared plate of french fries, neglected and cold, pushed to the edge of an ashy-yellow Formica table top.  Smoke swirls danced as we sipped the night away, one chipped cup at a time.  We haven’t spoken since, me avoiding life, you avoiding me, but I miss you more than I should.I would have gone with onion rings.Good call... and maybe add an order of deep fried mushrooms. I'm fuckin starvin. overall a good read.

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 07:46 AM

romey79 wrote: I liked french fries for the alliteration, personally I'd rather have nachos... Don't you think nachos are a little too messy for a date food?What with the stringy cheese and everything it could lead to an uncomfortable stuff hanging off the chin situation.

sailor

01-07-2007, 07:48 AM

FezPaul wrote: romey79 wrote: I liked french fries for the alliteration, personally I'd rather have nachos... Don't you think nachos are a little too messy for a date food?What with the stringy cheese and everything it could lead to an uncomfortable stuff hanging off the chin situation. sounds like a good date to me.  (with a girl, before any of you cunts get stupid ideas)

Don Stugots

01-07-2007, 07:50 AM

i would have went witn curly fries with cheese and hot sauce. 

romey79

01-07-2007, 07:51 AM

sailor wrote: FezPaul wrote: romey79 wrote: I liked french fries for the alliteration, personally I'd rather have nachos... Don't you think nachos are a little too messy for a date food?What with the stringy cheese and everything it could lead to an uncomfortable stuff hanging off the chin situation. sounds like a good date to me.  (with a girl, before any of you cunts get stupid ideas)That wit is why I love this cesspool of negativity...

sailor

01-07-2007, 07:53 AM

romey79 wrote: sailor wrote: FezPaul wrote: romey79 wrote: I liked french fries for the alliteration, personally I'd rather have nachos... Don't you think nachos are a little too messy for a date food?What with the stringy cheese and everything it could lead to an uncomfortable stuff hanging off the chin situation. sounds like a good date to me. (with a girl, before any of you cunts get stupid ideas)That wit is why I love this cesspool of negativity... i don't know if i should feel honored or hurt...

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 07:54 AM

Its winter in michigan now. Should you be scratching at the frozen ground for a meal?

romey79

01-07-2007, 07:57 AM

sailor wrote: romey79 wrote: sailor wrote: FezPaul wrote: romey79 wrote: I liked french fries for the alliteration, personally I'd rather have nachos... Don't you think nachos are a little too messy for a date food?What with the stringy cheese and everything it could lead to an uncomfortable stuff hanging off the chin situation.sounds like a good date to me. (with a girl, before any of you cunts get stupid ideas)That wit is why I love this cesspool of negativity... i don't know if i should feel honored or hurt... I was actually being sincere...

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 07:59 AM

romey79 wrote: sailor wrote: romey79 wrote: sailor wrote: FezPaul wrote: romey79 wrote: I liked french fries for the alliteration, personally I'd rather have nachos... Don't you think nachos are a little too messy for a date food?What with the stringy cheese and everything it could lead to an uncomfortable stuff hanging off the chin situation.sounds like a good date to me. (with a girl, before any of you cunts get stupid ideas)That wit is why I love this cesspool of negativity... i don't know if i should feel honored or hurt... I was actually being sincere...Stop trying to change the subject...we're talking about side dishes.

Marc with a c

01-07-2007, 08:00 AM

i like poppers. cheddar, not cream cheese.  cream cheese can go to hell.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 08:03 AM

Side dish in a michigan restaurant,  DEER EARS

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 08:06 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: Side dish in a michigan restaurant,  DEER EARS Since you're not giving out your location, it's pretty bogus to bust on Michigan.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 08:08 AM

Michigan breakfast,  ROADKILL ON RYE!

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 08:12 AM

Paulfez must be from michigan.

sailor

01-07-2007, 08:13 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: Michigan breakfast, ROADKILL ON RYE! yeah, be a pal.  open up to us.

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 08:15 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: Paulfez must be from michigan. Flagstaff, Arizona.

romey79

01-07-2007, 08:15 AM

FezPaul wrote: OneEyeJack wrote: Side dish in a michigan restaurant,  DEER EARS Since you're not giving out your location, it's pretty bogus to bust on Michigan.It's just a place to live, I don't have some weird undying love for a fucking plot of land.  Gotta admit though, that guy is awfully funny...

boeman

01-07-2007, 08:30 AM

Marc with a c wrote: i like poppers. cheddar, not cream cheese.  cream cheese can go to hell. ohh... come on. cream cheese with a nicely dice Jalepeno pepper mixed in, then covered in bread crumbs and lastly submersed in a vat of boiling oil. What can be wrong with that?

sailor

01-07-2007, 08:31 AM

boeman wrote: Marc with a c wrote: i like poppers. cheddar, not cream cheese. cream cheese can go to hell. ohh... come on. cream cheese with a nicely dice Jalepeno pepper mixed in, then covered in bread crumbs and lastly submersed in a vat of boiling oil. What can be wrong with that? he's just gay.  don't let it get ya down boeman.

boeman

01-07-2007, 08:31 AM

romey79 wrote: FezPaul wrote: OneEyeJack wrote: Side dish in a michigan restaurant,  DEER EARS Since you're not giving out your location, it's pretty bogus to bust on Michigan.It's just a place to live, I don't have some weird undying love for a fucking plot of land.  Gotta admit though, that guy is awfully funny...If by funny you mean annoying and completely without humor, then yeah.

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 08:33 AM

boeman wrote: romey79 wrote: FezPaul wrote: OneEyeJack wrote: Side dish in a michigan restaurant,  DEER EARS Since you're not giving out your location, it's pretty bogus to bust on Michigan.It's just a place to live, I don't have some weird undying love for a fucking plot of land.  Gotta admit though, that guy is awfully funny...If by funny you mean annoying and completely without humor, then yeah.I'm with boeman on this one. The guy is a hack.

DJEvelEd

01-07-2007, 08:35 AM

...and then I spread my gaping anus open, and let out the hundreds of midgets that were hiding behind the huge turds. She opened her mouth and I let out a fart that shook the trees, knocking her into a heaping pile of dung beetle dung. She then got up, wiped herself off and said...

Isn't this the long story thread?

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 08:36 AM

HEY ROMEY, why dont you come to the party on 20th in hoboken nj and read  some of your stories to us

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 08:42 AM

Make sure you identify yourself homey79,we,ll welcome you with a hoboken handshake

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 08:43 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: HEY ROMEY, why dont you come to the party on 20th in hoboken nj and read  some of your stories to us Shouldn't you be <a href="http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/viewmessages.cfm/Forum/71/Topic/55382/page/recent_board_characters.htm">here?</a>

This message was edited by FezPaul on 1-7-07 @ 12:43 PM

romey79

01-07-2007, 08:46 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: HEY ROMEY, why dont you come to the party on 20th in hoboken nj and read  some of your stories to us I'd love nothing more, but I'm not sure I could handle your witty barbs.  Maybe you could do some stand-up for everyone, or write a nice little ditty about how much Michigan sucks.  Ya know, it's cold, people eat roadkill...gems like that.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 08:51 AM

I,m new to the site FUZZ POOL but have been around a long long time.FACE!

boeman

01-07-2007, 08:52 AM

romey79 wrote: OneEyeJack wrote: HEY ROMEY, why dont you come to the party on 20th in hoboken nj and read  some of your stories to us I'd love nothing more, but I'm not sure I could handle your witty barbs.  Maybe you could do some stand-up for everyone, or write a nice little ditty about how much Michigan sucks.  Ya know, it's cold, people eat roadkill...gems like that.Yeah, when did Michigan become North Arkansas?

boeman

01-07-2007, 08:54 AM

OneEyeJack wrote:  but have been around a long long time.  Uh oh, reeshy... sounds like someone has you beat for the Saggy Ass card #1 spot.

This message was edited by boeman on 1-7-07 @ 12:55 PM

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 08:57 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: I,m new to the site FUZZ POOL but have been around a long long time.FACE! Fuzz Pool of the Cess Pool.I like it!

Fat_Sunny

01-07-2007, 09:00 AM

Here You Go Romney, Fat Cleaned Up Some Of The Clutter And Smoothed It Out For You.  (Of Course, It's All A Matter Of Personal Style And Taste!) Season of ContritionI stood in a dark corner of the park, a knot in my stomach, waiting for a glimpse of you.  In and out of the shadows I slipped, losing myself in the noon time crowd celebrating the first hint of spring, and the renewal of life.  I watched you, silently sitting on a weather-beaten bench, framed by the budding branches of a weeping willow pregnant with life, yet mourning the advent of spring.  Holding an open tattered book, yet not turning a page, your icy blue eyes were thawed by warm salty tears. Were the tears caused merely by the wind, or dare I think it was thoughts of me, and love lost?Last April, when spring still held promise, in an avocado and rose colored booth in that greasy cafe, we talked about everything...and nothing.  A plate of french fries, cold and ignored, was pushed to the edge of the yellow Formica table.  Smoke swirls danced as we sipped the night away, one chipped cup at a time.  We haven’t spoken since; I avoiding life, you avoiding me.  I miss you more than I should.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 09:04 AM

HEY michigan  homey69,if i,m such a hack, why dont you write something profound for your next post. I DARE YOU!

boeman

01-07-2007, 09:05 AM

Fat_Sunny wrote: Here You Go Romney, Fat Cleaned Up Some Of The Clutter And Smoothed It Out For You.  (Of Course, It's All A Matter Of Personal Style And Taste!) Season of ContritionI stood in a dark corner of the park, a knot in my stomach, waiting for a glimpse of you.  In and out of the shadows I slipped, losing myself in the noon time crowd celebrating the first hint of spring, and the renewal of life.  I watched you, silently sitting on a weather-beaten bench, framed by the budding branches of a weeping willow pregnant with life, yet mourning the advent of spring.  Holding an open tattered book, yet not turning a page, your icy blue eyes were thawed by warm salty tears. Were the tears caused merely by the wind, or dare I think it was thoughts of me, and love lost?Last April, when spring still held promise, in an avocado and rose colored booth in that greasy cafe, we talked about everything...and nothing.  A plate of french fries, cold and ignored, was pushed to the edge of the yellow Formica table.  Smoke swirls danced as we sipped the night away, one chipped cup at a time.  We haven’t spoken since; I avoiding life, you avoiding me.  I miss you more than I should. That reads like a Sleeves narrative...

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 09:07 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: HEY michigan  homey69,if i,m such a hack, why dont you write something profound for your next post. I DARE YOU!Shouldn't it be OneEyedJack?

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 09:07 AM

How about OneEyeJerk?

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 09:08 AM

Or maybe OneEyeHack?

boeman

01-07-2007, 09:13 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: HEY michigan  homey69,if i,m such a hack, why dont you write something profound for your next post. I DARE YOU!Why don't you try to write something semi intelligent in one post.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 09:15 AM

Quite funny! SEZ STALLS !

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 09:17 AM

I will if you will BORINGMAN!

romey79

01-07-2007, 09:20 AM

boeman

01-07-2007, 09:21 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: I will if you will BORINGMAN! you see... now these names you are coming up with make no sense at all... at least try comedy...

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 09:25 AM

Took you long enough michigan and your guilty of plagurizoum.

boeman

01-07-2007, 09:27 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: plagurizoum Now you're inventing words... what the hell is wrong with you?

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 09:32 AM

DO you like whoreman better,easier for you to grasp?

boeman

01-07-2007, 09:35 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: DO you like whoreman better,easier for you to grasp? it don't make me a bad person...  but seriously, resorting to name calling is what third graders do when they run out of anything bad to say about someone... I'm honored that think highly enough of me that you found nothing bad about me so you had to resort to name calling right away.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 09:45 AM

Dont take it so serious.WE got 4 pages of fun out of a michigan poster who said judge me JUST trying to liven things up borman.

sailor

01-07-2007, 09:57 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: Dont take it so serious.WE got 4 pages of fun out of a michigan poster who said judge me JUST trying to liven things up borman. too bad ya failed.  better luck next time, bro.

boeman

01-07-2007, 09:59 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: Dont take it so serious.WE got 4 pages of fun out of a michigan poster who said judge me JUST trying to liven things up borman. You're just upset because you couldn't make anyone mad... now you want to try and make up. Too late, no one likes you.

DJEvelEd

01-07-2007, 10:09 AM

I'll fix it for ya:

Season of CUNT

I remember DRIPPING, anxious, waiting at the corner for CUNT. Slipping in and out of VAGINA, melding with the PENIS in the park.

I watched CUNT, silently sitting on COCK embraced by the naked TAINT of a weeping SORE mourning the DISEASE. Holding a tattered BALLSACK and never turning TRICKS, your cold blue TESTES thawed by warm DIARRHEA. Maybe it's the ANAL wind that wets your ASS cheeks, or thoughts of INCEST that conjure salty SEMEN.

Late PERIODJUICE in a greasy TOILET, we talked about GENITALS and SPERM in the avocado and rose colored BUTTBLOOD. Our shared plate of SHIT, neglected and cold, pushed to the MOUTH of an ashy-yellow asian PROSTITUTE. FLATULENCE swirls danced as we sipped the AIDS PUDDLE, one chipped cup at a time. We haven't FUCKED since, me avoiding CUNT, you avoiding COCK, but I miss COCK more than CUNT.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 10:09 AM

Sounds like I hit a nerve on some sensative people!

boeman

01-07-2007, 10:12 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: sensative  there you go... making up words again... try us again once you graduate grade school.

This message was edited by boeman on 1-7-07 @ 2:13 PM

lintpit

01-07-2007, 10:15 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: I,m new to the site FUZZ POOL but have been around a long long time.FACE! A word of friendly advice... Don't do what you are doing. It will lead to a very unhappy board experience. Lighten up.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 10:19 AM

HEY michigan, maybe you should try your hand at greeting cards

lintpit

01-07-2007, 10:20 AM

WE did not try to sabotage the thread.YOU deliberately ruined what was otherwise a pretty good thread by an interesting poster. My critique of the verse...not a bad read and a thoughtful composition.My critique of one-eyed JERK... I like E.S.D. better and I can't stand him.

mikeyboy

01-07-2007, 10:23 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: HEY michigan, maybe you should try your hand at greeting cards Knock it off.You're neither clever nor insightful.You're being a postwhore in this thread and you derailed it just to be an ass.

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 10:26 AM

HOW about!    Roses are red   Violets are blue   Michigan is lonely  I,ll hang myself soon

lintpit

01-07-2007, 10:26 AM

BRAVO MIKEY BOY<img src="/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/clap.gif" border="0" width="28" height="30" />

boeman

01-07-2007, 10:27 AM

OneEyeJack wrote: I,ll hang myself soon promise?

mikeyboy

01-07-2007, 10:29 AM

Buddy, you suck.  You're just being an obnoxious troll.  I've asked you nicely.  Knock off this shit and move along to another thread, or you'll get a week off.

boeman

01-07-2007, 10:30 AM

mikeyboy wrote: Buddy, you suck.  You're just being an obnoxious troll.  I've asked you nicely.  Knock off this shit and move along to another thread, or you'll get a week off.<img src="/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/banning.gif" border="0" width="47" height="38" />

FezPaul

01-07-2007, 10:30 AM

mikeyboy wrote: OneEyeJack wrote: HEY michigan, maybe you should try your hand at greeting cards Knock it off.You're neither clever nor insightful.You're being a postwhore in this thread and you derailed it just to be an ass.Yeah, we were having a nice discussion about side dishes 'til OneEyeJack showed up!

OneEyeJack

01-07-2007, 10:34 AM

romey79

01-07-2007, 02:41 PM

I appreciate the input & laughs, most of you are good people.  FezPaul...you sold me on the onion rings, thanks buddays.

boeman

01-07-2007, 03:07 PM

romey79 wrote: most of you are good people.  I'm sorry... don't be mad at me <img src="/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/down.gif" border="0" width="20" height="20" />     <img src="/messageboard/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" width="20" height="20" />