So I wrapped a raccoon in a blanket and duct tape [Archive]

The Jays

03-17-2006, 10:12 PM

He fell through the ceiling, and ran into the closet, I swiftly reached for the blanket and duct tape, I caught the damned thing, wrapped him in a ball, and threw him out my window.

Then a few hours later, I went downstairs, picked up the ball of raccoon, and brought it down to the the beach, where I threw it in the ocean.

Does this mean I have a thing against animals?

margin

03-17-2006, 10:20 PM

tony soprano, is that you?

tele7

03-17-2006, 10:21 PM

The ocean?  Was that really necessary?  How about letting the little fella go? I used to feed skunks underneath my porch.  I would just jingle my keys when I got home and they would climb in their hole.  I'm no tree-hugger, but I do hope the racoon survived. 

PapaBear

03-17-2006, 10:22 PM

STOP KILLING COONS!!!<img height="300" src="http://www.jencray.com/images/music/ani/AniDifranco_HOB_3.jpg" width="402" border="0" />

torker

03-18-2006, 04:38 AM

That is a novel approach to 'catch and release".                  <img height="67" src="http://www.acclaimimages.com/_gallery/_TN/0143-0511-0503-1753_TN.jpg" width="100" border="0" />

Sheeplovr

03-18-2006, 06:02 AM

That's digsuting and you should be reported to the Authorities

SinA

03-18-2006, 06:22 AM

that sounds delicious, if by racoon you mean bacon, and by blanket you mean flour tortilla, and by duct tape you mean cheese, and by window you mean frying pan, and by ocean you mean mouth

Don Stugots

03-18-2006, 06:28 AM

<hr color="cococo" align="left">SinA wrote: that sounds delicious, if by racoon you mean bacon, and by blanket you mean flour tortilla, and by duct tape you mean cheese, and by window you mean frying pan, and by ocean you mean mouth<hr color="cococo" align="left">

Holy shit I am fucking stavin'? when is breakfast around my apartment?
Really the food posts have to stop, I am on a strick diet and you people are driving me crazy with all this food talk. "racoons, feeding skunks, wrapped up in tortillas with bacon and cheese." damn, i hate diets.

The Jays

03-18-2006, 09:28 AM

Sheeplovr wrote: That's digsuting and you should be reported to the Authorities 


What authorities? The rodent police? People commit arson theft and assault in my neigjhborhood, and I should get pinched because some damned raccoon decided to move in with me because he's a bastard? No way, it's a towel wrap and a spa treatment for this vermin.

This message was edited by TheJays on 3-18-06 @ 1:29 PM

BoondockSaint

03-18-2006, 09:43 AM

(757)622-PETA

The Jays

03-18-2006, 09:48 AM

don't give me the number to terrorist organizations.

Doogie

03-18-2006, 09:51 AM

I think this story is reminiscent of how many serial killers get started.

The Jays

03-18-2006, 10:00 AM

No, serial killers get started by kicking off the series of people they are going to kill by killing the first person. I did not kill a raccoon. I merely wrapped it in a ball of blanket and duct tape, threw it out my two story window, and then brough it down to the beach and threw it in the water. Besides, I don't know if you know this, but raccoons are an animal which we scientists like to refer to as "amphibious", and what that means is that they can be on land and in water.

SatCam

03-18-2006, 10:01 AM

Where do you live where animals seem to just fall through your ceiling? Are your ceilings made of paper?

SatCam

03-18-2006, 10:03 AM

You know what they say about people in paper houses...

This message was edited by SatCam on 3-18-06 @ 2:03 PM

BoondockSaint

03-18-2006, 10:16 AM

TheJays wrote: No, serial killers get started by kicking off the series of people they are going to kill by killing the first person. I did not kill a raccoon. I merely wrapped it in a ball of blanket and duct tape, threw it out my two story window, and then brough it down to the beach and threw it in the water. Besides, I don't know if you know this, but raccoons are an animal which we scientists like to refer to as "amphibious", and what that means is that they can be on land and in water. I don't think that applies while they are trapped in a blanket.

The Jays

03-18-2006, 10:27 AM

I did the same thing to a toad, and it survived. This raccoon def survived the ordeal.

The Jays

03-18-2006, 10:40 AM

SatCam wrote: Where do you live where animals seem to just fall through your ceiling? Are your ceilings made of paper?

I live in a tea house.

PapaBear

03-18-2006, 01:44 PM

Actually, the best thing to do would have been to call animal control. If a raccoon is in your house, there's the chance it has rabies. It should have been tested, so the authorities would know if there was rabies in the area.

DarkHippie

03-18-2006, 02:20 PM

If you're gonna kill it, why'd you have to do it in one of the cruelest ways possible?  Seriously, this is just above and beyond assholishness.

The Jays

03-18-2006, 02:54 PM

Well I did make sure to light the blanket on fire BEFORE I threw it in the ocean, I'm not a monster, ya know.

Judge Smails

03-18-2006, 02:55 PM

Link: <a href="http://ddl.uwinnipeg.ca/viol_cr/files/readings/reading11.pdf">http://ddl.uwinnipeg.ca/viol_cr/files/readings/reading11.pdf</a>From Animal Cruelty to Serial Murder:Applying the Graduation Hypothesis"Since the late 1970s, the FBI has considered animal cruelty to be a possibleindicator of future serial murder. The FBI documented the connection betweencruelty to animals and serial murder following a study of 35 imprisoned serialmurderers. The convicted murderers were asked questions regarding their childhoodcruelty toward animals. More than half of the serial murderers admitted tohurting or torturing animals as children or adolescents (Humane Society of theUnited States, 2001). . .It seems to be a common assumption among law enforcement officials that animalcruelty often leads to violence against humans."

sr71blackbird

03-18-2006, 02:57 PM

On the day of my mother in laws death, we came home to find a raccoon in the chicken coop.  I wont go into detail, but suffice it to say that that raccoon met its end with the aid of a pitch fork and a replica of Willam Wallace's sword.

coffeeal401

03-18-2006, 03:10 PM

TheJays wrote: Sheeplovr wrote: That's digsuting and you should be reported to the Authorities  What authorities? The rodent police? People commit arson theft and assault in my neigjhborhood, and I should get pinched because some damned raccoon decided to move in with me because he's a bastard? No way, it's a towel wrap and a spa treatment for this vermin.            That took balls, they had to call a pro to snatch one with a pole with a metal noose around it ,it wasnt pretty.plus they go in my garbage pails at night. fuck it ,its not a Puggle.

This message was edited by coffeeal401 on 3-18-06 @ 7:30 PM

Bulldogcakes

03-18-2006, 03:16 PM

TheJays wrote: I did the same thing to a toad, and it survived. This raccoon def survived the ordeal. Wrapped in duct tape and a blanket. I doubt it. And you're a fucking cruel, stupid asshole.  <blockquote />

booster11373

03-18-2006, 06:12 PM

I find the fact that you told people about it to be disturbing. Sounds like your bragging about killing a defeneless animal. Good Job!!! Something to be proud of, tell the grandkids

This message was edited by booster11373 on 3-18-06 @ 10:13 PM

Don Stugots

03-18-2006, 06:16 PM

<hr color="cococo" align="left">SatCam wrote: You know what they say about people in paper houses...

This message was edited by SatCam on 3-18-06 @ 2:03 PM<hr color="cococo" align="left">

They shouldnt throw scissors?

suggums

03-18-2006, 06:40 PM

funny, i did the exact same thing to my exgirlfriends dog

coffeeal401

03-18-2006, 06:48 PM

you guys cant be serious , its a racoon not a child, think what you would do if you had a live 3 foot coon in your living room?

sr71blackbird

03-18-2006, 07:03 PM

I think it was more the way you described it and then how you asked if we felt what you did was wrong.  You see, people will look at the act and how you said you did it, rather then what they would do if it came into their house. Believe me, raccoons can be nasty!  They regularly mount attacks against our chicken coop and rabbit hutches.  They will attack people and anything if cornered.  I think it was the way you said what you did thats goading these reactions, and you have to expect that people will say this if they think about an animal being bound and tossed from a window and then quite some time later, while the animal is still bound, it being tossed into water.  If it didnt escape from the sheet and duct tape after the window tossing, I doubt it escaped the water while bound.  Im not saying it wasnt justified wanting the animal out of your home.  If I couldnt chase it out, I might have shot it.  But Id kill it swiftly if I had to, because I wouldnt want it to suffer needlessly.

The Jays

03-18-2006, 08:20 PM

Defenseless? The things had some claws, man! Not to the mention the 6 other mini-coons that were clinging to her bosom. It was like a Super Mario Brother game, with that character that has all the little babies things that will fly out at you and bugg you until you shake them off. The thing has some defenses.

And, the racoon had already infiltrated my main defense against the natural environment; my house. I had to defend my property against all invaders, foreign or domestic. I bomb when ants come in. I set traps when mice come near. I poison when rats are seen. It's survival of the fittest when they come against me, and the fittest animals are gonna be the ones who don't fuck my shit up.

I did do it honor. I gave it a semi-Viking funeral. Except I lit it on fire before I let it float in the ocean, and then I threw sticks at it, to mimic the act of shooting arrows of fire at the floating pyre.

mikeyboy

03-18-2006, 08:27 PM

C'mon admit it.  When you say "raccoon", you really mean "mouthy hooker".  I figured out your code.

Coach

03-18-2006, 09:23 PM

Well nature takes its course....raised and released 3 rabbits back into the wilderness.

PapaBear

03-18-2006, 09:28 PM

Coach wrote: Well nature takes its course....raised and released 3 rabbits back into the wilderness. I've got bad news for you Coach...<img height="240" src="http://static.flickr.com/7/10895840_4d274b32a9_m.jpg" width="223" border="0" />

FUNKMAN

03-18-2006, 09:29 PM

So I wrapped a raccoon in a blanket and duct tape that's nuthinone time i wrapped a pineapple chunk in bacon and stabbed it with a toothpick...

FezPaul

03-19-2006, 05:54 AM

mikeyboy wrote: C'mon admit it.  When you say "raccoon", you really mean "mouthy hooker".  I figured out your code. When you say "figured out" do you mean you looked it up in the hooker killers handbook?

The Jays

03-19-2006, 08:36 AM

mikeyboy wrote: C'mon admit it. When you say "raccoon", you really mean "mouthy hooker". I figured out your code.

Yes. Still doesn't explain how she got in my ceiling.

Or why she had 5 baby coons clawing into her bosom. It was a good bosom too.

Death Metal Moe

03-19-2006, 12:33 PM

I think this is a good lesson for you TheJays.Not everything you do in life needs to appear on this messageboard.  You had to now you're gonna get bleeding hearts pissed you killed a raccoon and babies.  My grandma killed a raccoon with a shovel one day and the fucking cunt from the town said he was going to try to put her in jail.  He didn't of course because he was a fucking cunt but I think you can get in trouble for that kind of shit.When you kill something, keep it on the DL my nigga.  The DL.But as for my personal opinion?  You did the right thing.

BoondockSaint

03-19-2006, 12:40 PM

Death Metal Moe wrote: I think this is a good lesson for you TheJays.Not everything you do in life needs to appear on this messageboard.  You had to now you're gonna get bleeding hearts pissed you killed a raccoon and babies.  My grandma killed a raccoon with a shovel one day and the fucking cunt from the town said he was going to try to put her in jail.  He didn't of course because he was a fucking cunt but I think you can get in trouble for that kind of shit.When you kill something, keep it on the DL my nigga.  The DL.But as for my personal opinion?  You did the right thing.  "White people are so librel with the N word"

booster11373

03-19-2006, 01:07 PM

What not light the blanket on fire if this happens again, Just to be safe

DJEvelEd

03-19-2006, 01:16 PM

Go fuck your mother, and I hope she's dead and you have to dig her up and get maggots on your cock when you do. Do it NOW asshole!

The Jays

03-19-2006, 01:24 PM

This confessional is hypocritical. I could have lived the rest of my life in peace without ever recounting this tale, and you all would be in ignorant bliss. But no, I decided to be real with ya'll, and what do you do? You hit me back with all this "If it was me" jibba jabba. It's a raccoon! It fell out of the ceiling, which is crazy in and of itself, but then there are the very real and very new consequences that now, there's a fucking raccoon in the house. Do I let it just hang around, and wait for the fucking authorities? Do I let a wild animal piss shit and claw through my house while I wait on hold to inform animal control that they might have a rabies problem on their hands? I eliminated the problem, I didn't all of a sudden grow a pussy just because a fuzzy ball of disease just crashed through from my attic.

This message was edited by TheJays on 3-19-06 @ 5:25 PM

BoondockSaint

03-19-2006, 01:33 PM

TheJays wrote: This confessional is hypocritical. I could have lived the rest of my life in peace without ever recounting this tale, and you all would be in ignorant bliss. But no, I decided to be real with ya'll, and what do you do? You hit me back with all this "If it was me" jibba jabba. It's a raccoon! It fell out of the ceiling, which is crazy in and of itself, but then there are the very real and very new consequences that now, there's a fucking raccoon in the house. Do I let it just hang around, and wait for the fucking authorities? Do I let a wild animal piss shit and claw through my house while I wait on hold to inform animal control that they might have a rabies problem on their hands? I eliminated the problem, I didn't all of a sudden grow a pussy just because a fuzzy ball of disease just crashed through from my attic. This message was edited by TheJays on 3-19-06 @ 5:25 PM Actually, after reading all of your comments, I don't think it really happened.  I think you made it up.

booster11373

03-19-2006, 01:35 PM

Look!I'm with you on the removal from your house using a blanket and tape. I think it was a pretty good idea not everone has control rods and cages handy, safety first,Raccons are known to carry rabies. What I don't get is the 2 hour wait before picking it up and chucking it in the Ocean.

JPMNICK

03-19-2006, 01:37 PM

Hell yea you did the right thing. Its no question. What if that filthy animal had rabies and then bit someone as you tried to humanly get rid of it. The real shame of this story is the wasted blanket. No one is talking about how that could have been saved to keep a homeless lady warm at night.

TheMojoPin

03-19-2006, 01:58 PM

I can't stand animals, so I don't give a damn whether this happened or not...I'm leaning towards "not," but the way he tells it is goddamn high-larious.  For some reason the image of tossing taccoon bundle out the window and waiting hours before hauling it to the ocean brilliantly absurd.

coffeeal401

03-19-2006, 03:31 PM

DJEvelEd wrote: Go fuck your mother, and I hope she's dead and you have to dig her up and get maggots on your cock when you do. Do it NOW asshole!           hope to see you april 1 when the Jays show up.

Death Metal Moe

03-19-2006, 03:36 PM

coffeeal401 wrote: DJEvelEd wrote: Go fuck your mother, and I hope she's dead and you have to dig her up and get maggots on your cock when you do.Do it NOW asshole!           hope to see you april 1 when the Jays show up.Yea, I really didn't understand Ed's overreaction in this response, but hey.  It's his response.  If he wants to wish this on TheJays, he's a big boy.

sr71blackbird

03-19-2006, 03:37 PM

I noticed that only on page 2 did the "babies clinging to its bosom" part come out.  I call bullshit.

mikeyboy

03-19-2006, 03:46 PM

TheJays wrote: mikeyboy wrote: C'mon admit it. When you say "raccoon", you really mean "mouthy hooker". I figured out your code.  Yes. Still doesn't explain how she got in my ceiling. Or why she had 5 baby coons clawing into her bosom. It was a good bosom too. People sometimes pay for freaky shit.

coffeeal401

03-19-2006, 04:05 PM

Death Metal Moe wrote: coffeeal401 wrote: DJEvelEd wrote: Go fuck your mother, and I hope she's dead and you have to dig her up and get maggots on your cock when you do.Do it NOW asshole!           hope to see you april 1 when the Jays show up.Yea, I really didn't understand Ed's overreaction in this response, but hey.  It's his response.  If he wants to wish this on TheJays, he's a big boy.            yeah he's a big boy hiding behind  a computer screen. how would like it some told you Go fuck your Mother .i dont think he would say it to his face,over a fucking racoon.

This message was edited by coffeeal401 on 3-19-06 @ 8:17 PM

Death Metal Moe

03-19-2006, 04:08 PM

coffeeal401 wrote:             yeah he's a big boy hiding behind  a computer screen. how would like it some told you Go fuck your Mother .i dont thhik he would say it to his face .Well, Ed's usually not like that.  Not that I know him personally or anything.  It was very out of character for him to drop this.

The Jays

03-19-2006, 06:41 PM

booster11373 wrote: What I don't get is the 2 hour wait before picking it up and chucking it in the Ocean.

Well I just had to smoke a blunt and play some Raw vs Smackdown, just to relax after the ordeal.

CYYYFYYY

03-19-2006, 10:23 PM

<div>IT's a racoon people.  A very scummy animal.  Even scummier than most humans.  It invaded his house.  Of course he kinda sounds insane.   So I say he didn;t do anything that wrong but I would not have him babysitting any kids.  What did the Toad do to you to get tortured though?</div>

The Jays

03-19-2006, 10:32 PM

I was 8. He didn't have to do anything. Hell, I probably pretended I was the king of a vast land, and sentenced the toad to death for not turning into a prince when kissed.

Alice S. Fuzzybutt

03-19-2006, 10:39 PM

You should be locked away for cruelty to animals. Regardless if they are nuisance. You built on their land. They were there first.

The Jays

03-19-2006, 11:05 PM

Now, the way you're trying to make it seem, I somehow deserve this filthy creature in my home

I didn't build on their land. I lived in the house that was built 80 years ago on top of land that had been built on 60 years prior to that, and that was tilled as farmland for vegatables for pigs and rabbits, and hay for local cows before that.

Where is the house that you live where the title includes a line that reads "no animal habitats harmed in the construction of this community"?

I think of my family and my neighborhood as being like Israel, in regards to the animals. The Brits gave the Jews some land that was being wandered around on by a bunch of nomadic people, they tilled the land, grew some produce, and soon all the nomads got together and got angry at these fucking guys coming in and growing oranges the size of basketaballs. So they start invading and trying to fuck their shit up.

So, getting back to the racoon situation, when I find myself in such a predicament, I pause, but just for a brief, hald second, just enough for me to think and process the following idea, "What would the Israelis do?" and I'm clear, I have the clarity of a diamond, and I understand what I must do.

I obliterate one raccoon, a mother raccoon at that, with five baby coons clinging to her bosom, as a warning to the other raccoons, and I let her body rot for two hours in the blanket, while her piss and shit sends a signal in the air to the other coons, "there's trouble afoot." At that point, I know I need to inform the UN of these types of matters, the local animal people, ASPCA, or what have you. I tell them, hey, you got a lot of coon activity in these particular areas, and I think you better handle it, before people take matters into their own hands. And, I tell ya, sometimes, the boys are on it, and sometimes they ain't, and the times they ain't aint pretty.

Justice4all

03-20-2006, 12:11 AM

Sorry there OJ, but doogie and the judge are correct. It is proven that people who are cruel to animals, enem 'rodents', and had no remorse have been proven to move onto doing it to people/ What happens if you go into a bar and you have to deal with some jerk? You gonna toss gasoline on him and set him on fire? Something, however, is setting off my shennanigans radar. I doubt someone would go thru all this trouble to get rid of a raccoon.

This message was edited by Justice4all on 3-20-06 @ 4:12 AM

DJEvelEd

03-20-2006, 01:32 AM

You still here? I thought I told you to go fuck your mother! I usually wear my EvelEd softball shirt at events if you ever wish to discuss this. I'm the guy with the cane & the debilitating back injury. If it makes you feel better to add me to the list of animals you abuse, go for it. You would have to kill me to put me in any more pain than I'm currently in now with so I am scared of nothing at this point in life except my next discogram. I'm glad I upset some of you though....as this story did to me and my pet Coon. Don't expect to just shock post willy nilly and have everyone saying:East Side Dave: "Wasn't that a cute story Peekums?"DeathMetalMoe:  "Awesome brah, let's write the "Raccoon March of Death song"Irish Alkey: That Coon got sand in it's vagina!Frank Black: "LAL yu crexy furay aminals smel lik gerbage"

This message was edited by DJEvelEd on 3-20-06 @ 5:44 AM

coffeeal401

03-20-2006, 11:32 AM

DJEvelEd wrote: You still here? I thought I told you to go fuck your mother! I usually wear my EvelEd softball shirt at events if you ever wish to discuss this. I'm the guy with the cane & the debilitating back injury. If it makes you feel better to add me to the list of animals you abuse, go for it. You would have to kill me to put me in any more pain than I'm currently in now with so I am scared of nothing at this point in life except my next discogram. I'm glad I upset some of you though....as this story did to me and my pet Coon. Don't expect to just shock post willy nilly and have everyone saying:East Side Dave: "Wasn't that a cute story Peekums?"DeathMetalMoe:  "Awesome brah, let's write the "Raccoon March of Death song"Irish Alkey: That Coon got sand in it's vagina!Frank Black: "LAL yu crexy furay aminals smel lik gerbage"This message was edited by DJEvelEd on 3-20-06 @ 5:44 AM            so your a cripple with a pet coon, still dont give you the right to curse somebodys MOM out.ill be there with #51 on my back.

Death Metal Moe

03-20-2006, 12:15 PM

I can't believe I have to be the voice of reason here, but no one's fighting anyone.  Calm the fuck down.  TheJays did something and talked about it here.  That means he has to be able to accept some criticism but it also means you all have to be able to deal with it.Talking shit on the board, behind people's backs off the board, threats, it's all horse shit.  Just calm down.  Don't let a stupid thread get out of hand.

SatCam

03-20-2006, 12:22 PM

Sorry there OJ, but doogie and the judge are correct. It is proven that people who are cruel to animals, enem 'rodents', and had no remorse have been proven to move onto doing it to people/ What happens if you go into a bar and you have to deal with some jerk? You gonna toss gasoline on him and set him on fire?

To be fair, the thing fell through his fucking ceiling. He wasn't out in the woods looking for racoons to torture.

The story sounds like a load of raccoon shit, but its still funny

DESERTEAGLE.50

03-20-2006, 06:02 PM

I sure know where Im gonna send any racoons I come across now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 


This message was edited by DESERTEAGLE.50 on 3-20-06 @ 10:03 PM

mikeyboy

03-20-2006, 06:03 PM

Death Metal Moe wrote: I can't believe I have to be the voice of reason here, but no one's fighting anyone.  Calm the fuck down.  TheJays did something and talked about it here.  That means he has to be able to accept some criticism but it also means you all have to be able to deal with it.Talking shit on the board, behind people's backs off the board, threats, it's all horse shit.  Just calm down.  Don't let a stupid thread get out of hand.well put

ShelleBink

03-20-2006, 06:11 PM

TheJays wrote: He fell through the ceiling, and ran into the closet, I swiftly reached for the blanket and duct tape, I caught the damned thing, wrapped him in a ball, and threw him out my window.

Then a few hours later, I went downstairs, picked up the ball of raccoon, and brought it down to the the beach, where I threw it in the ocean.

Does this mean I have a thing against animals?  I don't know why, but this reminded me of the one time my brother babysat me.  Hmm.