The 50 worst times to get Wood [Archive]

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Iamnotatool

04-03-2005, 12:58 PM

As any man can tell you, the little guy downstairs has a mind of his own. From the time he gains consciousness, at about 13, he often chooses the most inopportune times to fill out. It often has nothing to do with the situation or company you are in, but rather it seems a random bodily function. The best parallel I can think for a woman who has no idea what I am talking about is how a woman sometimes gets cold regardless of the temperature. No one can explain it, it just happens. So, without further delay. We proudly present the 50 Worst Times to Get wood: 50. Getting fitted for a suit Not only would it be embarrassing, but you are gonna screw up the fit of your pants. 49. Hosting game show 48. During a hernia check Oh Jesus... I'm not sure what kind of hernia this doctor is checking for, but I hope there is fat doobie at the end of one of those clamps... and not that guy's wang. 47. Watching The Vagina Monologues Certainly inappropriate, and given the company you are most certainly in, you might find yourself on the wrong side of lynch mob. 46. Riding on the back of a friend's motorcycle 45. Watching porn with a bunch of dudes "just for laughs" 44. Right after you get into a traffic accident Try explaining to the cop that it wasn't your fault with a pop-tent in your pants. 43. Spoon feeding your grandmother My god... Who wrote these? I am going go vomit. 42. Mile three of the New York Marathon 41. While holding a baby The look on that baby's face slays me... It's like he's seen an intruder from his past. 40. Watching your dog poop Definitely don't want to be caught with an engorged member under those circumstances. 39. Getting on a Tokyo subway train 38. Trapped in an elevator with your boss Would be especially bad if your boss is some desperate older fat woman. 37. Dancing with the Bride 36. Working as an airport security screener 35. Performing the Iron Cross 34. Conducting a boys choir 33. When you're on "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" It goes against everything the show is about. It would be chaos! 32. While you are at a Baptism 31. Buying Girl Scout cookies 30. Just before your final summation in a murder trial Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, can I have a moment please... 29. During the last ten minutes of "The Passion of the Christ" 28. While being rescued on live television 27. Working as a Mohel Especially if you are one of those traditional rabbis who draws the blood using their mouth. 26. While giving your acceptance speech to the baseball hall of fame 25. At a feminist rally Whoa... That's like wearing a KKK hood to the Source Awards 24. When you meet your girlfriend's best friend 23. Cooking hotdogs at the nudist camp, drunk There are a lot things that can go bad here. Burning your lunch is a best case scenario. 22. When you would snap the neck of a fan 21. Administering heimlich maneuver 20. Running your German short-hair around the ring at the Westminster Dog Show 19. While reading Boy's Life Quite frankly, reading Boy's Life under any circumstances is pretty creepy. 18. While titty fucking Teri Hatcher 17. While eating a banana 16. While singing in a barbershop quartet 15. While performing your first open heart surgery Doctor, your penis is distending the left ventricle. 14. Stage twelve of the tour de France 13. Hour two of your eight hour Santa shift at the mall "What do you want for Christmas young lady?" "I want you to take that packet of Certs out of your pocket Santa." 12. While going through a small revolving door with your Uncle 11. While a dog is lickin

shamus mcfitzy

04-04-2005, 02:24 AM

what was 10? i'm now dying to know.And is 18 some type of flat-chested joke? I might not be thinking of something, but i have no idea whats up. Of course I actually just misread "Santa" to be "Sanka" so I may no longer understand this cooky language.

This message was edited by shamus mcfitzy on 4-4-05 @ 6:25 AM

Iamnotatool

04-04-2005, 10:03 AM

Yeah, I didn't get the TF'ing Teri Hatcher one either.   They aren't real though, her tits I mean.  They may be spectacular, but not real

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Please don't hold my huge nutbag against me, or I'll hold it against you that you have flapjack tits

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 10:48 AM

quote<a href="../../../../../../../viewmessages.cfm/Forum/52/Topic/44553/page/The_50_worst_times_to_get_Wood"> </a>The 50 worst times to get Wood quoteafter it rains, it's really tough to burn

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm2_sig.jpg">

Doctor Manhattan

04-04-2005, 11:34 AM

10. While listening to The Hideout with El Jefe and J. Dubbsand could someone explain the Teri Hatcher one? that would be one of the worst times to not have wood.

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MrPink

04-04-2005, 01:46 PM

i dont have a problem with gettin a boner in alot of these situations, specially gettin one in a tokyo subway cuz then i'll feel real big. but anytime around kids is a super bad time fer one. that reminds me... im scared of bein around kids like jdubs too.

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Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me

reeshy

04-04-2005, 01:51 PM

Getting wood on the E train while a guy is bumping into you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[center]<IMG SRC="http://scripts.cgispy.com/image.cgi?u=reeshy">
[center]

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 02:09 PM

quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen you have termites in your pants

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Hottub

04-04-2005, 02:21 PM

Nope, Don't get it!<img title="Bad Boner?" height="500" alt="Bad Boner?" src="http://www.celebrity-picturez.com/images/chicks/Hatcher,%20Teri/THatcher_4big.jpg" width="400" border="0" /> <img src="../../../../../../tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/wallbash.gif" border="0" />

<img src=" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif"border=0 align=right>
so does that mean that it was
"THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?"
Staples
See The Cruising Vessel (http://www.silentpix.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Myalbums&file=thumbnails&album=41)
Check out silentpix.com

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 02:31 PM

quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen there are peckers around

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm2_sig.jpg">

Hottub

04-04-2005, 02:35 PM

While you are in a public restroom and a bum is washing his sack in the sink!<img src="../../../../../../tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/thumbdown.gif" border="0" /> <img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif" align="right" border="0" /> so does that mean that it was "THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?" Staples <a href="http://www.silentpix.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Myalbums&file=thumbnails&album=41" target="blank">See The Cruising Vessel</a> Check out silentpix.com

This message was edited by Hottub on 4-4-05 @ 6:36 PM

MrPink

04-04-2005, 02:36 PM

ya dont want a boner during confirmation since the catholic church sez boners r bad

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v507/Catholiccannon/avatar3.jpg
Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 02:38 PM

quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen you have diahrea or gotta take a nice steamy dump

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Hottub

04-04-2005, 02:45 PM

Or when you gotta take a wicked piss, and don't want to power-wash the ceiling! (Spell checked my first post, Bitches!)<img src="../../../../../../tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/clap.gif" border="0" />

<img src=" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif"border=0 align=right>
so does that mean that it was
"THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?"
Staples
See The Cruising Vessel (http://www.silentpix.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Myalbums&file=thumbnails&album=41)
Check out silentpix.com

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 02:50 PM

quote<table cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2" width="100%" border="0"><tr><td> </td><td>The 50 worst times to get Wood </td></tr></table>quote while you're spell checking 

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Hottub

04-04-2005, 02:53 PM

Girl's JV softball game!  And spell-checking was beyond wood. I FINISHED!!

<img src=" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif"border=0 align=right>
so does that mean that it was
"THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?"
Staples
See The Cruising Vessel (http://www.silentpix.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Myalbums&file=thumbnails&album=41)
Check out silentpix.com

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 02:55 PM

quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen beavers are damming

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm2_sig.jpg">

Hottub

04-04-2005, 02:57 PM

While applying talc to the folds of skin where my legs meet.

<img src=" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif"border=0 align=right>
so does that mean that it was
"THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?"
Staples
See The Cruising Vessel (http://www.silentpix.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Myalbums&file=thumbnails&album=41)
Check out silentpix.com

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 03:05 PM

quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen you're whittling

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm2_sig.jpg">

Hottub

04-04-2005, 04:09 PM

Is it OK when your MILF friend is breast feeding?

<img src=" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif"border=0 align=right>
so does that mean that it was
"THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?"
Staples
See The Cruising Vessel (http://www.silentpix.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Myalbums&file=thumbnails&album=41)
Check out silentpix.com

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 04:20 PM

nah, that's cool!  good one...<img src="../../../../../../tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/thumbup.gif" border="0" />quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen you're using a pop-up blocker

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm2_sig.jpg">

Hottub

04-04-2005, 04:24 PM

Funk comes through with the funny!!When you are watching Desparate Housewives while your mother in law is in the room!

<img src=" http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v381/artemisentreri/hottub.gif"border=0 align=right>
so does that mean that it was
"THE ORANGE BOWL OF FAILURE?"
Staples
See The Cruising Vessel (http://www.silentpix.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=Myalbums&file=thumbnails&album=41)
Check out silentpix.com

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 05:14 PM

quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen you're using a belt sander

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v53/monster6sixty6/guests/fm2_sig.jpg">

Snoogans

04-04-2005, 05:19 PM

"<a href="http://www.ronfez.net../../../../../../viewmessages.cfm/forum/52/topic/44553">The 50 worst times to get Wood</a>" 9:01, 9:09, 9:13... 

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GO SAWX!!!!! Hassan Eats Dick!!! Snoogans 1, Monitor 0
GIMMIE MY FUCKIN CHANGE, I AINT PLAYIN WIT YOU

Bulldogcakes

04-04-2005, 05:33 PM

Worst Time to Get WoodWhen the teacher call on you in class and asks you to stand up to explain your answer "Well, Mrs Smith, the reason why Vasco De Gama went to India is ..is ... because I have a hard on" 


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Can placebos cause side effects? And if so, are the side effects real?

FUNKMAN

04-04-2005, 05:37 PM

quoteThe 50 worst times to get Wood quotewhen you run out of banister polish

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shamus mcfitzy

04-04-2005, 08:24 PM

oh yeah, train wood is the worst for me. Gettin up in front of a hot chick with a hard-on (which isn't even there for any particular reason) aint so cool when ya got wood.  and yes i mean "hot chick with a hard-on", jokers.