Review: Van Helsing

[Little Tony DeFranco]

http://www.browntownjohnny.com/modules.php?name=MReviews&op=list_revs&cid=10


Oh Lord of all Movie Studios! Let the people see a good movie this summer, we beseech thee! Let us not see shitheal comic book action films like "Van Helsing" ever again! Amen!
I hope my prayer is answered, but I'm not holding my breath for the rest of the movie season. Stephen Sommers is an OK guy, "The Mummy" was big and dumb fun (sorta) and "Mummy Returns" sucked major butt. he did make a good movie called "Deep Rising" with Treat Williams about a monster squid on an ocean liner (it's pretty good). "Van Helsing" is just awful, with Hugh Jackman as the titular nemesis of Count Dracula (the Bram Stoker novel) and it's just so bad it's not even remotely entertaining. First of all, I hate most CGI dominated films because they are lazy to depend on F/X instead of real action (the exception of Hellboy) and "VH" does most of it's action scenes with all CGI. Next problem is the script, or lack there of, about Dracula taking over the world by giving birth to little flying demons, and they need the Frankenstein monster as an electrical conductor to bring them to life (what the F*CK?). The Wolfman is Dracula's henchman (I don't get it) and Van Helsing is somehow connected with Drac (I still don't....). Kate Beckensale (Underworld star looks like a young Candy Clark) is his VH's love interest (the acting is bad).
Dracula is shown as a kinda Goth version of Willy Wonka, complete with Umpa Lumpa like minions and 3 hot wives that do all his asskicking for him. Van Helsing has a sidekick monk (" I'm only a friar!") for comic relief and gives him neat gadgets to kill monsters with. Sommers steals bits from other movies, the Mr. Hyde fight was right out of League of Extraordinary Gentleman (I did like the new Hyde, he is Ande' the Giant) and the end fight is from Underworld, and the premise was from "John Carpenter's Vampyres". What a waste of 9 bucks. You Have Been Warned!


Heartbeat is a Love Beat

[Teenweek]

I liked it. SOme parts were a little dumb, but overall entertaining. Remember this is the summer now. Leave your brain at the door and fill it with popcorn and soda.

[Mike Teacher]

I was actually gonna start a thread, not about the movie but the KICK ASS collection of DVDs that are out, for some reason, because of this movie.

Oh wait; he battles the classics, right? Ok so I'm at Costco the other day [no bullets in my hot dog, alas] and I'm checking out the DVD section. I dont know about you, but the Costco DVD section in these parts has nuggets of gold, sometimes buried, amongst the Disney and A-List releases. I got the Cosmos Box Set there for like $70.

Anyway I see this DVD Box Set and it has FIVE Frankenstein Movies on it; the original, bride of...

Five Movies: $18.29!

Fucking A Nice; so I'm checking it out and it says [its in the other room] 'brought to you by Van Helsing' or something.

So, the reviews say its a bit heavy on FX but who cares coz I got myself a shiltload of Frankenstein [they had Drac and Wolfie Sets too] to watch.

Holy Shit I just remembered when Howard would rip on John Tesh and call him the "Blonde Frankenstein" and people would go see him at concerts and when it would be real quiet you could hear a Howard fan go: GRRRRRR ! ! !

I have no idea why, but that makes me laugh every single time.

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[JesterOfSadness]

I agree with Teenweek, I enjoyed it as well.


Better yet, Just swallow some jacks-CM Punk

[TheMojoPin]

Mizzle, did you ever see "Gods & Monsters"?

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2% << December boys got it BAD >> "You can tell some lies about the good times we've had, but I've kissed your mother twice...and now I'm working on your dad..."

[curtoid]

Funny review. I can't say I disagree with it, but I was actually entertained, even if my ears did hurt whenever they stopped to recite their horrible lines. The worst they gave to Jackman - eeeesh!

And when will we, as a society, look at these wall to wall CGI movies, like this, the STAR WARS, MATRIX and other superhero movies and admit that they are simply cartoons - there is no difference between these films and WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?!!!!

Mizzle - I actually didn't want to brag about it, but I've got all 3 box sets - got them for free - and had them almost one month before they went on sale to the public.

"Why?" you may ask...or maybe "How?"...or maybe "So What?"

In any event, I did some promotional work with Universal Home Video, and they rewarded me with some nice swag. I got in the mail on Thursday a box of five DVD copies of the ANIMATED PREQUEL to VAN HELSING, called "London Assignment," where he battles "Dr. Jeckyl. Pretty sweet.

I'm also supposedly going to be getting the complete box set (with the "Monster" busts!) to be giving away. If and when I get them, I'll let you know where and how.

The sets are amazing! I'm especially thrilled that the spanish language version of DRACULA is included, and as a purist I'm geeked that the complete run of the movies is on here, right up through the horrible HOUSE OF DRACULA, which effectively ended the franchises for UNIVERSAL until Abbott and Costello met them years later.

If you can wait a few weeks, like I said, I might have a copy or two to give away through one of my many media **ahem*** outlets.




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[b][i]Much thanks to M1 for the siggie...!i][b]

[JustJon]

curtoid, remember who your favorite mod is!

(HINT: me :) )

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[phixion]

the movie was worth seeing. that final fight scene was worth the 9 bucks i paid. sure there are tons of cheesy lines, and a plot outline that is as complicated as taking a shit. but nonetheless it was worth it. not an amazing movie, but you get what you expect. and beckinsale was hot as hell. she needs to keep doing werewolf and vampire movies.

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"Everybody wanna be like Mike but Mike wanna be like L"
Monsterone, many much thanks.

[jeffdwright2001]

beckinsale was hot as hell. she needs to keep doing werewolf and vampire movies.
She needs to start doing more "naked" werewolf and vampire movies.

[Doctor Manhattan]

<img src="http://www.van-halen.com/newsite/newbandclose.jpg" width=350>

I like them with David Lee Roth better, but still think Hagar can rock!

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This message was edited by SKW on 5-11-04 @ 8:32 PM

[JustJon]

Cheesy as fuck, but ultimately will be remembered as a high budget B movie, that may have the DVD life of a Showgirls without the naked Elizabeth Berkley.

<img src="http://www.chaoticconcepts.com/bans/rfjustjon11.gif"><BR><A href="http://www.chaoticconcepts.com">Chaotic Concepts</a>