SuperClerk
11-01-2003, 11:42 PM
PWTorch.com recently reprinted this parody of Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven" starring Vince McMahon. It was originally written last November by an excellent writer named James Guttman.
Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven"
Starring WWE head honcho Vince McMahon
[b]Once upon a Tuesday dreary, as I reviewed the week, while weary,
Over many a poor and curious angle of Raw the night before,
While I was bored, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my office door.
`'Tis some jobber,' I muttered, `tapping at my office door -
Perhaps the press to do a story - yeah.sure.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was the month before November,
And each Raw roster member cried for quality writing and nothing more.
Eagerly I viewed tomorrow; - Smackdown's ratings caused no sorrow
For all the storylines we borrowed - from ECW's former merchant of Hardcore -
For the crew was black and blue and the Hulkster tired too of going to the Australian Tour
So Hogan left here evermore
Monday, Hunter had a corpse and stuck her, Booker T cried out "Sucka"
Thrilled me - filled me with a confusion never felt before;
So that now, there still was knocking, I stood and swaggered (I call it `walking')
`'Tis Howard Finkle trying to enter - enter at my office door -
Some OVW talent entreating entrance at my office door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Presently my head grew large, from praise heard from JR and the Sarge ,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your viewer ship I implore;
But what you want is not what I'm selling, and all these storylines we're telling,
Just adds to Hunter's head that's swelling, swelling Monday night on Raw,
I have AOL and sure I heard you' - I have heard it all before; -
The Show's writing is not that poor.
The internet was full of whiners, I gave them Nash and Scotty Steiner,
Doubting Vince? No one ever booked Murder/Rape as an angle before
But the silence was unbroken, and the critics were outspoken,
And the only word there spoken was the chanted word, `Bore!'
This I whimpered, and sent Bischoff to take the heat some more,
as payback for those Monday Wars.
The 90's gone and the tide is turning, The resentment from the XFL still burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `no need for concern;
These underlings never learn to stay away from the boss' door
Let my `heart' be strong a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis Kevin Kelly and nothing more!'
Open here I flung my pen, with anger mounting and then.
In there stepped an angered fan, standing at my office door.
Not the slightest complaint made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with the stiffness of Katie Vick, leaned beside my office door -
leaned upon a bust of Andre just beside my office door -
leaned, and stared, and nothing more.
Then this `mark' beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By referencing my dominance through the ECW shirt he wore,
`Though thy art be long and gone, ,' I said, `Philly was just a pawn.
That Bingo Hall stands dark and dim a piece of wrestling's fickle lore -
New Jack, Sandman and the rest - forgotten worse than Pauly Shore'
Quote the mark, `Raw is Snore.'
Much I marveled this ungainly smark to hear complaints so plainly,
Thought my answer held much meaning - it's just cynicism that we've heard before;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing what the writers had in store -
Accusation of a murder then a video to further this angle from the week before,
Quote the mark `Raw is Bore.'
But the fan, sitting there, recalling the days he respected Flair,
That one show - as if it made.a difference, Raw would never fade
Nothing further did he speak - the weekly ratings were.well, weak -
Till I scarcely more than shrieked `Other shows have shocked before -
Oh tomorrow - if you don't believe me, watch Six Feet Under, don't get sore.'
Then the mark said `Raw needs More.'
Startled at the stillness broken by a reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtful,'
Edgar Allan Poe's "The Raven"
Starring WWE head honcho Vince McMahon
[b]Once upon a Tuesday dreary, as I reviewed the week, while weary,
Over many a poor and curious angle of Raw the night before,
While I was bored, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my office door.
`'Tis some jobber,' I muttered, `tapping at my office door -
Perhaps the press to do a story - yeah.sure.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was the month before November,
And each Raw roster member cried for quality writing and nothing more.
Eagerly I viewed tomorrow; - Smackdown's ratings caused no sorrow
For all the storylines we borrowed - from ECW's former merchant of Hardcore -
For the crew was black and blue and the Hulkster tired too of going to the Australian Tour
So Hogan left here evermore
Monday, Hunter had a corpse and stuck her, Booker T cried out "Sucka"
Thrilled me - filled me with a confusion never felt before;
So that now, there still was knocking, I stood and swaggered (I call it `walking')
`'Tis Howard Finkle trying to enter - enter at my office door -
Some OVW talent entreating entrance at my office door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Presently my head grew large, from praise heard from JR and the Sarge ,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your viewer ship I implore;
But what you want is not what I'm selling, and all these storylines we're telling,
Just adds to Hunter's head that's swelling, swelling Monday night on Raw,
I have AOL and sure I heard you' - I have heard it all before; -
The Show's writing is not that poor.
The internet was full of whiners, I gave them Nash and Scotty Steiner,
Doubting Vince? No one ever booked Murder/Rape as an angle before
But the silence was unbroken, and the critics were outspoken,
And the only word there spoken was the chanted word, `Bore!'
This I whimpered, and sent Bischoff to take the heat some more,
as payback for those Monday Wars.
The 90's gone and the tide is turning, The resentment from the XFL still burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `no need for concern;
These underlings never learn to stay away from the boss' door
Let my `heart' be strong a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis Kevin Kelly and nothing more!'
Open here I flung my pen, with anger mounting and then.
In there stepped an angered fan, standing at my office door.
Not the slightest complaint made he; not an instant stopped or stayed he;
But, with the stiffness of Katie Vick, leaned beside my office door -
leaned upon a bust of Andre just beside my office door -
leaned, and stared, and nothing more.
Then this `mark' beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By referencing my dominance through the ECW shirt he wore,
`Though thy art be long and gone, ,' I said, `Philly was just a pawn.
That Bingo Hall stands dark and dim a piece of wrestling's fickle lore -
New Jack, Sandman and the rest - forgotten worse than Pauly Shore'
Quote the mark, `Raw is Snore.'
Much I marveled this ungainly smark to hear complaints so plainly,
Thought my answer held much meaning - it's just cynicism that we've heard before;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing what the writers had in store -
Accusation of a murder then a video to further this angle from the week before,
Quote the mark `Raw is Bore.'
But the fan, sitting there, recalling the days he respected Flair,
That one show - as if it made.a difference, Raw would never fade
Nothing further did he speak - the weekly ratings were.well, weak -
Till I scarcely more than shrieked `Other shows have shocked before -
Oh tomorrow - if you don't believe me, watch Six Feet Under, don't get sore.'
Then the mark said `Raw needs More.'
Startled at the stillness broken by a reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtful,'