Johnny Fontane
07-19-2003, 06:17 PM
In honor of Yankees Old Timer's Day, I provide you with one funny as hell excerpt from Joe Pepitone's autobiography, "Joe, You Coulda Made Us Proud." The following incident happened when he was playing in Japan in 1973. Enjoy.
"The Yakult Atoms were owned by a company that made an orange drink that tasted like the Creamsicles I used to eat as a kid. Thick and sweet. You drank one, and you had to have another. The man who owned the company that owned my new team was one very clever businessman. While I changed into my baseball uniform, I drank six of those insidious orange drinks.
When the game started, I felt rumblings in my stomach. When we came into the dugout for the bottom of the second, I had the runs. "Luigi," I said, "where is the bathroom?"
He led me into the clubhouse and pointed at a door. "Through there."
I went through the door, and all I saw inside was a line of holes in the floor, with rolls of toilet paper set beside each hole. "Luigi," I yelled, "hurry!" He came running in. "Somebody stole all the toilet bowls!"
"Joe", he said, "there are no toilets in Japan. You have to pee in that hole, that's all."
"Luigi, I have to shit. How the hell do I manage that?"
"Just squat over the bowl," he said. "It's not hard. You'll get used to it. He went back into the clubhouse. "Hurry up. I'll wait for you."
I pulled down my pants, squatted, and almost tilted back in the hole. I got my balance and - "Goddamnit!" - I had diarrhea. I had it all over my legs. Those rotten orange drinks. But Christ, I thought, Luigi said I'll get used to this.
"Luigi!" I called, and he came hustling back in. At least I liked his style, if not his toilets. "Tell the manager I won't be able to play any more today. I shit all over myself."
"What? What am I supposed to tell the manager?"
"Christ, Luigi, just look at me. You're the interpreter. Say 'Joe no play: shitty in pantsy.' "
"Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again."
Don Corleone to Sonny
This message was edited by Johnny Fontane on 7-19-03 @ 10:18 PM
"The Yakult Atoms were owned by a company that made an orange drink that tasted like the Creamsicles I used to eat as a kid. Thick and sweet. You drank one, and you had to have another. The man who owned the company that owned my new team was one very clever businessman. While I changed into my baseball uniform, I drank six of those insidious orange drinks.
When the game started, I felt rumblings in my stomach. When we came into the dugout for the bottom of the second, I had the runs. "Luigi," I said, "where is the bathroom?"
He led me into the clubhouse and pointed at a door. "Through there."
I went through the door, and all I saw inside was a line of holes in the floor, with rolls of toilet paper set beside each hole. "Luigi," I yelled, "hurry!" He came running in. "Somebody stole all the toilet bowls!"
"Joe", he said, "there are no toilets in Japan. You have to pee in that hole, that's all."
"Luigi, I have to shit. How the hell do I manage that?"
"Just squat over the bowl," he said. "It's not hard. You'll get used to it. He went back into the clubhouse. "Hurry up. I'll wait for you."
I pulled down my pants, squatted, and almost tilted back in the hole. I got my balance and - "Goddamnit!" - I had diarrhea. I had it all over my legs. Those rotten orange drinks. But Christ, I thought, Luigi said I'll get used to this.
"Luigi!" I called, and he came hustling back in. At least I liked his style, if not his toilets. "Tell the manager I won't be able to play any more today. I shit all over myself."
"What? What am I supposed to tell the manager?"
"Christ, Luigi, just look at me. You're the interpreter. Say 'Joe no play: shitty in pantsy.' "
"Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again."
Don Corleone to Sonny
This message was edited by Johnny Fontane on 7-19-03 @ 10:18 PM