Wrote this and need a critique

[Snoogans]

I just wrote this, and it took me about 10 min. i wanted honest opinions and i know ill get that here so what do you think:

Run Away With Me
What do you think, I cant hear your cries
What do you think, I will fall for your lies
You keep it a mystery, locked up inside
Why do you feel you've got something to hide

Come foward and be free, a new life you'll see
Just take my hand and come run away with me

You see, I will help you, I see you know its true
I can see you need to get away too
Ill lift you up and take you away
and wherever we land, thats where we'll stay

Come foward and be free, a new life you'll see
Just take my hand and come run away with me

thats it, dont be to mean

Silent Bob you one rude motherfucker, she like to go down on you, suck you. line up 2 other guys and make like a circus seal

http://wnewsgirl.homestead.com/files/Snoogans.jpg

eww you fuckin faggots, i hate guys, i LOOOOVE WOMEN!

[SatCam]

one thing before I critique it... is it read like a freestyle thingy, is it sung, or is it just a poem?

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[Snoogans]

i dont know, i wrote it in like 10 min. id say since it hasd a chorus its kinda sung

Silent Bob you one rude motherfucker, she like to go down on you, suck you. line up 2 other guys and make like a circus seal

http://wnewsgirl.homestead.com/files/Snoogans.jpg

eww you fuckin faggots, i hate guys, i LOOOOVE WOMEN!

[Snoogans]

not all at once i cant read that fast

Silent Bob you one rude motherfucker, she like to go down on you, suck you. line up 2 other guys and make like a circus seal

http://wnewsgirl.homestead.com/files/Snoogans.jpg

eww you fuckin faggots, i hate guys, i LOOOOVE WOMEN!

[RageCage]

Creed - With arms wide open
Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everthing
With arms wide open

Well I don't know if I'm ready
To be the man i have to be
I'll take a breath, take her by my side
We stand in awe, we've created life

With arms wide open
Under the sunlight
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everthing
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open

If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...



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Kool and the mother fuckin gang.

[grlNIN]

I liked it alot, good work. Keep writing. I'd share my shit with you all but uhhh yeah so anyway i liked it alot Snoogs.

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This message was edited by grlNiN on 7-5-03 @ 10:52 PM