"Goofus and Gallant"

[The Blowhard]

Every visit to the Doctor meant thumbing through stacks of Highlights Magazine, searching for the coolest cartoon feature of all time, "Goofus and Gallant". Goofus was a punk, Gallant was a goody goody and they would compare how they would behave in a certain scenario. For example:
Goofus skips his homework and watches cartoons, Gallant studies hard.
Goofus refuses to share his candy, Gallant loves to share.
Each scenario was illustrated, I could have read them for days.
I was at the Doctor today and eureka! I saw Highlights and yes, "Goofus and Gallant" live!
The people in the waiting room thought I was crazy as I grabbed all of the Highlights. I almost took them home.


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[ChrisTheCop]

My God theyre still at it at this age?!
Goofus tries to hide his bald spot, using a spraypaint from Popeil.
Gallant embraces his many faults, noting that studies show bald men have higher testosterone.


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[The Chairman]

Of course...

I remember sitting in my dentist's waiting room when I was a kid and the torture of knowing that any minute, some sadistic guy who dropped out of pre-med freshman year but figured a "dentist still was a doctor" would come out and start poking around in my Bubble Yum rotted out mouth.

I never got to pick a toy from the little treasure chest that the receptionist kept and offered to the kids with "No Cavities." Instaed, I always got a stern lecture about the merits of flossing, followed by an appointment for a session of tooth drillings right out of Marathon Man....

The only thing that kept me from running out of the dentist's office screaming was the magazine Highlights for Children. The monthly magazine for kids that touted itself as "Fun with a Purpose", and featured such favorites as the Timbertoes, Hidden Pictures, and my favorite, Goofus and Gallant.....

Ah yes, Gallant, the perfect son who always wiped his shoes on the mat before he came into the house and who helped little old ladies carry their groceries to the car, and Goofus, that ne'er-do-well who teased the girls, ate all the candy without saving any for his little sister, and cheated at games.

Here are The Chairman's twisted takes on the Goofus and Gallant strip.

Gallant, as part of his Eagle Scout project, dressed up as one of Santa's elves, and distributed Toys for Tots at the local hospital's pediatric unit.
Goofus shows up at the pediatric unit dressed in his pimp clothes, tells the kids that Santa Claus is not real, and hands out pamphlets he stole from Jehovah's Witnesses.

Gallant sells his friends kind bud straight from Humbolt County, California.
Goofus sells his pals skankweed and tells them its hydroponic wacky weed.

Gallant wants to be a brain surgeon when he grows up.
Goofus wants to be the host of an Infomercial.

Gallant feeds stray dogs and tries to find their owner.
Goofus "borrows" his neighbor's dogs and drops them off at the cosmetics lab for "Draize Tests" and at the local University for surgical staple research.

Gallant calls the radio station to tell them what a great job they're doing, requesting a song by Hanson.
Goofus calls the radio station with a fake traffic report and requests something by Marilyn Manson.

Gallant always remembers to drink a glass of milk a day, making sure he gets his Vitamin D and Calcium.
Goofus always drinks a couple of 40oz. Old English's a day, and smokes a couple of blunts, making sure he gets his Vitamins EtOH and THC.

Gallant always reads the directions and follows warning labels before using any product.
Goofus uses aerosol spray bottles in manners inconsistent with their labeling.

Gallant gave his girlfriend a gold necklace for Valentines Day.
Goofus gives his girlfriend a "Pearl Necklace" on a routine basis.

Gallant brings in a genuine Louis XIV armoire to the Antiques Roadshow.
Goofus brings his mother's vibrator to the Antiques Roadshow.

Gallant always waits patiently while his mother shops for clothes in the Women's World section of Macy's.
Goofus hides in the middle of clothes racks in Lane Bryant and yells out lines from the movie Free Willy.

Gallant enjoys eating marshmallow peeps during the Easter holiday.
Goofus sucks the coating off jelly beans and sticks the insides in his grandmother's bottle of suppositories.

Gallant's parents have a "My son is an Honor Student" bumper sticker.
Goofus beats up honor students, stealing their lunch money, using it to buy crack.

Gallant passes out chocolate cupcakes to his class.
Goofus passes out chocolated laxatives to his class.

Gallant often let's less fortunate friends play with his Pokemon cards and gives away the doubles.
Goofus swindles his classmates at Three Card Monte during lunch break.

Gallant would never, ever, think about having anal sex with his girlfriend.
Goofus' girlfriend's anus has a circumference that approximates the inside of a Bundt cake.

Gallant has a Flintstones chewable vitamin every morning with breakfast.
Goofus hides Valiums t

[mikeyboy]

You know, if you name your kid Goofus, it's your fault that he's a fuck-up.

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[JerryTaker]

The mention of Goofus and Gallant reminds me of a "Deadpool" comic book that parodied them, there were a few, but I just remembered this one, because I laughed out loud at it....

"Though he doesn't agree with thier beliefs, Captain America respects the habits of his vegetarian friends"

"Deadpool beats up vegetarians and force feeds them meatloaf"

The accompanying pictures were quite funny...

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<marquee width=300 scrollamount="5">Wet and raving, The needle keeps calling me back.. To bloody my hands forever. Carved my cure with the blade That left me in scars, Now every time I'm weak, Words scream from my arm</marquee>