Dewey
03-06-2003, 08:21 AM
Apparently, Madonna will publish her first children's book in September. Joe Queenan speculates on which books she might write:
Here are thumbnail descriptions of the books:
"Little Red Riding Crop." An orphan raised by scheming trolls one day saves a whale from Japanese fishermen. In gratitude, the whale grants the child three wishes. The child's first wish is for singing lessons. The second is for dancing lessons. The third is for a magic riding crop she can use to work over the dancers in her nightclub act. Madonna believes the fable will introduce children to S&M in a user-friendly environment, while allaying fears that the inability to sing or dance will necessarily prevent them from succeeding in show business.
"Ricco Has Six Mothers and at Least as Many Fathers." A child sets out to discover who actually brought him into the world, having been hoodwinked by his parents. After many adventures involving untrustworthy hermaphrodites, Ricco confronts the Old Man in the Mountain, and demands: "Who is my real father?" The Old Man in the Mountain replies: "Beats me; go ask my sister Shirley." Madonna believes that the story will encourage children to accept nontraditional marriages and stop asking where their real fathers are, as such questions are annoying.
"The Empress's New Clothes." One day a cruel empress announces that henceforth every female in the kingdom must wear her underwear as her outerwear. For the next thousand years, the entire female populace parades around in slips and girdles. Everyone lives happily ever after. Well, at least the men. In Madonna's view, the story teaches children to stop worrying about putting on their clothes in the right order, because the very idea of clothing contains an implied value judgment about gender politics. Also, even poor people can afford underwear.
"What Kind of Name Is Lourdes?" In this touching tale, a little girl attending a posh private school is ridiculed mercilessly because of her unusual name. Fleeing the catcalls of the Morgans, Jacksons and Rhumers, the little girl takes refuge among the humble poor folk, whose children all have names like Tiffany and Cody. Caught between a rock and a hard place, feeling like a fool, Lourdes hocks her castle in Scotland to purchase three wishes from an unscrupulous local genie. The child's first wish is that her mother's name be legally changed from Madonna to Hilda. The second is that her own name be changed from Lourdes to Fatima. Her third wish is for acting lessons for her mother.
Penguin has apparently rejected as too risqu‚ Madonna's proposals for "Puss in Black Leather Boots," "Sleeping Around Beauty," "Jack and Jill Visit Fanny Hill," "The Little Virgin That Could," and "Jack: the Snow Queen." But plans to bring out both "The Child's Decameron" and "The Story of Lil' O" are proceeding apace.
One other project being test-marketed is "Hansel and Hansel." This is the story of two boys who flee their horrible parents because they have saddled them with the most ridiculous names in the world. Seeking refuge in the Big Bad Woods, they encounter a generous warlock with a hooked nose that keeps collapsing. The warlock feeds them the remains of an ugly duckling--seemingly in an effort to fatten them up for the kill. He only asks that they wear veils over their faces lest the Big Bad Wolf learn their real identity. But one day the boys discover that the warlock is secretly a vegetarian and merely likes to have a lot of fat children around so he can stick his fingers in their mouths. The boys sue the warlock for $20 million and live happily ever after.
Any other ideas? I think
"The Princess and the Pee"
"Little Red Riding Clitoral Hood"
"Humpty-Humpty"
all have possibilities.
<IMG SRC="http://www.agw-werbeartikel.de/images/easy-rider.jpg"><br>"Still searching for America."
This message was edited by Dewey on 3-6-03 @ 12:41 PM
Here are thumbnail descriptions of the books:
"Little Red Riding Crop." An orphan raised by scheming trolls one day saves a whale from Japanese fishermen. In gratitude, the whale grants the child three wishes. The child's first wish is for singing lessons. The second is for dancing lessons. The third is for a magic riding crop she can use to work over the dancers in her nightclub act. Madonna believes the fable will introduce children to S&M in a user-friendly environment, while allaying fears that the inability to sing or dance will necessarily prevent them from succeeding in show business.
"Ricco Has Six Mothers and at Least as Many Fathers." A child sets out to discover who actually brought him into the world, having been hoodwinked by his parents. After many adventures involving untrustworthy hermaphrodites, Ricco confronts the Old Man in the Mountain, and demands: "Who is my real father?" The Old Man in the Mountain replies: "Beats me; go ask my sister Shirley." Madonna believes that the story will encourage children to accept nontraditional marriages and stop asking where their real fathers are, as such questions are annoying.
"The Empress's New Clothes." One day a cruel empress announces that henceforth every female in the kingdom must wear her underwear as her outerwear. For the next thousand years, the entire female populace parades around in slips and girdles. Everyone lives happily ever after. Well, at least the men. In Madonna's view, the story teaches children to stop worrying about putting on their clothes in the right order, because the very idea of clothing contains an implied value judgment about gender politics. Also, even poor people can afford underwear.
"What Kind of Name Is Lourdes?" In this touching tale, a little girl attending a posh private school is ridiculed mercilessly because of her unusual name. Fleeing the catcalls of the Morgans, Jacksons and Rhumers, the little girl takes refuge among the humble poor folk, whose children all have names like Tiffany and Cody. Caught between a rock and a hard place, feeling like a fool, Lourdes hocks her castle in Scotland to purchase three wishes from an unscrupulous local genie. The child's first wish is that her mother's name be legally changed from Madonna to Hilda. The second is that her own name be changed from Lourdes to Fatima. Her third wish is for acting lessons for her mother.
Penguin has apparently rejected as too risqu‚ Madonna's proposals for "Puss in Black Leather Boots," "Sleeping Around Beauty," "Jack and Jill Visit Fanny Hill," "The Little Virgin That Could," and "Jack: the Snow Queen." But plans to bring out both "The Child's Decameron" and "The Story of Lil' O" are proceeding apace.
One other project being test-marketed is "Hansel and Hansel." This is the story of two boys who flee their horrible parents because they have saddled them with the most ridiculous names in the world. Seeking refuge in the Big Bad Woods, they encounter a generous warlock with a hooked nose that keeps collapsing. The warlock feeds them the remains of an ugly duckling--seemingly in an effort to fatten them up for the kill. He only asks that they wear veils over their faces lest the Big Bad Wolf learn their real identity. But one day the boys discover that the warlock is secretly a vegetarian and merely likes to have a lot of fat children around so he can stick his fingers in their mouths. The boys sue the warlock for $20 million and live happily ever after.
Any other ideas? I think
"The Princess and the Pee"
"Little Red Riding Clitoral Hood"
"Humpty-Humpty"
all have possibilities.
<IMG SRC="http://www.agw-werbeartikel.de/images/easy-rider.jpg"><br>"Still searching for America."
This message was edited by Dewey on 3-6-03 @ 12:41 PM