Let me hear some jokes...I am that bored. [Archive]

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mamacita00pr

07-19-2002, 06:06 PM

Let me hear some good ones...

A woman takes a seat on a bus and hears two italian men speaking. She quickly becomes startled when she overhears one of the men say, " Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more. " The woman turns around and says, " You foul-mouthed asshole. In this country, we dont talk about sex in public!" The man replies, " Hey, coola down, lady--I'ma just telling my friend howa spell MISSISSIPPI. "

Jake was lying on his deathbed. His wife Susan was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his hand as tears ran down her face. When her preaying roused Jake from his slumber, he looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly. " My darling Susan, " he whispered. "Hush, my love" she says. "Rest--dont talk" He was insistent. "Susan " he whispered " I have something i must confess" "theres nothing to confess" replied the weeping Susan. "Its all right." "No I must die in peace, Susan i slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother." "I know" she replied. "Thats why i poisoned You."

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed having a postcoital smoke. "Pinocchio, youre probably the best lover ive ever had" sighs his girl, "but everytime we make lover you give me splinters." The next day Pinocchio goes to see his maker, Geppetto, aobut this problem. Geppetto thinks for a moment, then says:
"Sandpaper might smoothe out your relationship problems" Pinocchio thanks Geppetto and heads for the hardware shop. A few weeks pass, and Geppetto sees Pinocchio in the hardware shop again, buying all the sandpaper he can lay his wooden hands on. "So, Pinocchio, things must be going well with your woman." "Woman??? Who needs a woman?"

Come Correct or dont Come At All

This message was edited by mamacita00pr on 7-19-02 @ 10:28 PM

Death Metal Moe

07-20-2002, 05:29 PM

Al Dukes was straight.

That one always gets me!

EVIL REIGNS!!!

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www.unhallowed.com

F1Gm3nT

07-20-2002, 06:23 PM

yo chek it
*btw I am not racist I just know alot of black jokes*

so yeah chek it

Q:what do you call a black man on a wheel chair?
A: night rider

Q: what do you call a black priest?
A: Holy Shit

Q: what do you call a bunch of black people skydiving on a hot summer day?
A: an eclipse

Kid puts powder all over his face, arms and legs. Goes to his mom and says "Mommy!! Mommy!! Look I'm white! I'm white!"
Mother back hands him and tells him "Whipe that shit off you... dont you knwo that you have to be proud of who you are" Kid leaves the room and goes over to his dad and says "Daddy!! Daddy!! Look I'm white!! I'm white!!" Father back hands him and says "What the fuck is wrong with you boy!! Don't you know that you have to be proud of who you are... you are black... says it loud I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD!!!"
Kid walks away and says "allready 10 minutes and I hate 2 niggers."

African family (fahter, mother & 2 kids) are on a trip walking across the land and comes across this river. The father tells the kids and wife to stay put so that he can test out the river...to see if it is safe to cross. father crosses and he's fine... but he came out of the river no longer a bloack man...but a white man. So he tells them that it's ok to cross. The mother decides to tell the kids to stay put just to be safe and chek that river out. She croses and same results as the father ...shes fuking white!!! So they tell the kids to cross... kids cross... but they're haveing a problem... the curent is too strong for them and they are drounding. The father & mother see this and the father says "dont worry about it... they're just niggers"

but really I do not hate niggers... heck I have on hanging out on my tree on my backyard

"man fears darkness, so he scrapes away at it's edges with fire."
- Rei Ayanami
<img src="http://my.purerave.com/gallery/p/101920.jpg" width="300" height="100>

mamacita00pr

07-20-2002, 06:43 PM

LMFAO... how come when u ask for jokes they always have to be racist jokes??? Not Nice

But anyways....

How do you stop a black baby boy from jumping on the bed???

Put some velcro on the ceiling

If Your in the dark in your room and all you feel is a breeze coming in and u see a light moving towards the window what do u say???

Nigga you betta but my tv down.

Little Johnny walks into his parents room and catches his dad putting on a condom. Paniked his dad tries to hide his hard on by pretending to look under the bed. " what are you doing?" Johnny asks. " i though i saw a rat go under the bed," his dad replies. " so what are you gonna do -- fuck him?"

Americas most famous mouse and his wife are in divorce court. the judge said to the mouse. " You claim that your wife is insane." The mouse replied, "No no -- I said she was fuckin goofy."

Come Correct or dont Come At All

This message was edited by mamacita00pr on 7-20-02 @ 10:56 PM

ShelleBink

07-20-2002, 06:45 PM

so my gramma lives w/ my family now, and if u didn't know, my grampa died before i was born ((and before my parents were even married)). so one day, i was sitting by my gramma ((forced, i dont like her much)) and she asked me if she'd like to hear how my grampa died...

... i never knew the story, but i figured, its something to know i guess.

well, she tells me that every day at noon, they would hear the churchbells, nice and slow. gramps got the idea that he could still get his thing on with grammy to the rhythm of the bells.

i didn't want to hear anymore, but she insisted.

well, turns out day after day, month after month, they would do this ritual.

and she said "everything was always fine til one day the ice cream truck drove by... bless his old heart, he couldn't keep up!"

<center>IRISH FACTION 
<IMG SRC="http://members.hostedscripts.com/randomimage.cgi?user=bink02"></img></center>
<marquee behavior="alternate">It's Shelle as in sea shell and bink like... uh. bink. 
</marquee>

This message was edited by ShelleBink on 7-20-02 @ 10:52 PM

F1Gm3nT

07-20-2002, 06:47 PM

how dose every nigger joke start?

*lookes over his right sholder*looks over his left sholder*

"man fears darkness, so he scrapes away at it's edges with fire."
- Rei Ayanami
<img src="http://my.purerave.com/gallery/p/101920.jpg" width="300" height="100>

Cybersoldier

07-21-2002, 10:23 AM

I'm not sure if you heard this one

what do you call a meeting of lawyers, doctors, insurance salemen and one person?
A gangbang

<IMG SRC="http://cybersoldier.iwarp.com/images/cybersoldier.gif">
thanks cheezeemee for the sig

mamacita00pr

07-21-2002, 01:15 PM

LeRoy is a 18 year old 9th grader. This is LeRoy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

1. Foreclose - If I pay alimony dis month, I got no money foreclose.
2. Rectum - I had two cadillacs, but my ol'lady rectum both.
3. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs and da hotel everybody.
4. Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment dey gonna send me back to da big house.
5. Penis - I be at da doctor and he hand me a cup and say penis.
6. Israel - Alonso try da sell me a Rolex. I said, man dat be fake. He said bullshit, dat watch Israel.
7. Catacomb - Don King be at da fight da other night, man somebody oughta give dat catacomb.
8. Undermine - Dere's a fine lookin hoe livin in da partment undermine.
9. Acoustic - When I be liddle, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da pool hall.
10. Iraq - When we be at da pool hall, I tol my uncle Iraq, you break.
11. Stain - My motha-in-law stopped by and I axed her do ya plan on stain for dinner?
12. Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.
13. Honor - At da rape trial, da Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
14. Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey da tits on dat hoe.
15. Axe - Da policeman wanted to axe me some questions.
16. Tripoli - I be gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't find a Tripoli.
17. Fortify - I axed da hoe how much? She said fortify.
18. Income - I be in bed with da hoe and income my wife.

Come Correct or dont Come At All

FUNKMAN

07-21-2002, 05:00 PM

went out for Chinese food last night and i took the waitress home and made love but an hour later i was horny again...
:)

<img src="http://www.markfarner.com/2001tour/ribfest8_small.jpg">

dicAMan

07-21-2002, 05:07 PM

A man walked in to a bar.....It hurt! Hahahah(sound of hand slapping knee)hahohohoha!

Fact: A cat will always blink when hit on the head with a hammer. Thats a fact.

DC Reed

07-21-2002, 05:53 PM

Seeing as everyone is doing racist jokes, ill chime in with some, that the black kids i know love to hear me tell..

A four engine jet plane is flying over the south pacific. Suddenly, 3 engines blow out. The plane is wobbling, and in order to even out the plane, the stewards tell the passangers that some will need to jump. The Captain decides to call out the jumpers by alphabetical order.

He gets on the mic, and speaks.

First, African Americans......Africans......Blacks.........

A little Black Child looks up to his father and says "hey dad, arent we black!?" And his father Replys "NO WERE NIGGERS TODAY! AND WERE NOT JUMPING TILL THE MEXICANS GO FIRST!"

Fin

(white people are so scared of black people.....i deserve it.)

IrishAlkey

07-21-2002, 06:26 PM

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain: they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I should be shot for laughing at this.

http://img2.ranchoweb.com/images/irishalkey/rfnettatsig.jpg
This looks like a board for me...
<marquee direction=right>...so everybody just follow me...</maquee>

F1Gm3nT

07-21-2002, 06:56 PM

A man walked in to a bar.....It hurt!

ROFLMAO!!!

"man fears darkness, so he scrapes away at it's edges with fire."
- Rei Ayanami
<img src="http://my.purerave.com/gallery/p/101920.jpg" width="300" height="100>

THERAVEN

07-21-2002, 08:48 PM

OK here is my attempt.

A guy walks into a diner and the menu says:
Hamburgers $1.00
Handjobs $5.00
so he asks the waitress "are you the one who gives the handjobs" she says yes then he says "well wash your hands a get me a hamburger"

Thank you all..

<IMG SRC="http://theravenrfnet.50megs.com/images/rfnetraven.jpg">

Death Metal Moe

07-22-2002, 08:48 AM

Why do (insert your least favorite race of people) keep shit in their wallets?

For I.D.

EVIL REIGNS!!!

<IMG SRC=http://unhallowed.com/sigs/Hate_OJ.gif>

www.unhallowed.com

Arienette

07-22-2002, 12:19 PM

from my popsicle sticks...

q - what do pigs put into their computers?
a - sloppy discs

q - why wouldnt the oyster share his pearl?
a - because he was shelfish

i guess this is why we dont get our jokes from our tasty frozen treats

http://members.aol.com/deviantari/myhomepage/arienette.gif?mtbrand=AOL_US
worshiping the dancing rooster... thanks for the sig

i want a lover i don't have to love
i want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk

ToddEVF

07-22-2002, 12:26 PM

Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
"Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Part of The Irish Faction!!!
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<a href="http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/Sanity_Lost/"> Sanity Lost: my Roleplay on Yahoo!</a>

Michael Fury

07-22-2002, 12:37 PM

Some real-life excuse notes written by parents to to teachers:

Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (several mispellings of diarrhea crossed out) the shits.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.

"I'm really concerned, doctor. You don't think it could be...(lowers voice)...drugs, do you?"

FUNKMAN

07-22-2002, 01:23 PM

i actually made these up...

a man pulled into a Turnpike Toll Booth and was angered because the collector took too long to make change so the driver grabbed the collector by the arm and sped off taking the collectors arm with him...

he just got convicted, guess what for, "armed robbery"

Tom Petty was in town and someone broke in to the truck that carries his bands equipment but the only thing taken was a set of drumsticks...

they finally caught the guy and guess what they booked him on?
"Petty Theft"

not bad huh?
:)

<img src="http://www.markfarner.com/2001tour/ribfest8_small.jpg">

Fallon

07-22-2002, 08:22 PM

What kind of bee carries milk?

Boo-beez! Ha ha ha.

<IMG SRC="http://czm.racknine.net/images/fallonyankee.jpg">

Doogie

07-23-2002, 10:07 AM

Why dont blondes waterski??

As soon as there pussies get wet they fall on their backs...

Two guys driving down south, and they get pulled over by a local trooper. Trooper comes up to the window, taps on the window with the night stick, driver rolls down the window gets WHACKED in the head. Driver says "Whats that for?!?!?!". Trooper says "this is Alabama boy when I pull you over you have your lisence and registration ready". Driver says "Im sorry I didnt know" so he hands over his lisence and registartion. Trooper takes it, checks it out comes out clean go over to the passenger window, taps on that window with the nightstick. Passenger rolls down the window, and gets WHACKED in the head. He asks "What was that for??!!" Trooper replies "Im making your wish come true". Passenger says "what do you mean??" Trooper says "I know you gonna git a hundred feet down the road and say 'I wish that mother fucker tried that shit on me!!!'"

How do you make Manischevits wine??
Kick him in the balls...

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"I know you want it, I read Mike Tyson's book!!!"-thanks to Aggie for the quote