Ronfez.net Roundtable: Training a Monkey To Kill

[Pootertoot]

In this, the first of many scientific debates coming to RF.net, we're trying to answer the age old question:

How long would it take to train a monkey to kill?

For the purposes of logical consistency, there are two caveats:

1) <b>It's an average rhesus monkey.</b>

Not genetically modified or bloodthirsty because its parents were murdered in a circus act gone wrong. Let's not get crazy.

2) <b>The monkey has to kill with a switchblade.</b>

Much like in the movie "Monkey Shines". Otherwise, it's really no big deal. I mean, a monkey scratches someone to death, that could just be a rabid monkey. But with a switchblade? Then people are like "Man, this monkey means business."


My humble (and ultimately correct) opinion:

One year, and two monkeys.

Why? If you give a monkey a switchblade, inevitably it will stab itself. There's not going to be one perfect monkey that's going to get everything right...it'll be trial and error, and you, the esteemed scientist conducting this experiment, will learn from your failures, eventually training a monkey to kill.

Anyone else care to weigh in? This may one day protect us against robots and giant snakefish.

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[Captain Rooster]

I bet Ferris Beuller, who saved all those monkeys from a government experiment, could get a monkey to kill (with a switchblade) in less than a month.

Just associate the stabbing motion with a banana.

Behavior modification works wonders;)

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[Hosp]

Are we talking about random stabbing or slashing the throat clean?

First I would train it to head for that area of the body. I think it naturally heads that way so it shouldn't be that tough.

Then you need to teach it how to handle the switchblade. First I would use a dull bladed or one of those comb novelty switch blades to teach it how to just open it. Using positive reinforcement I would give it a banana chip each time it did it succesfuly.

Next I would teach it to hold it by the handle and not the blade. To do this I would use a specialy designed swithblade where if it held it just by the blade it would receive a mild electric shock but if just by the handle it will be fine. A this time I would also remove the banana chips.

Once it masters this step, I would introduce it to a specially designed dummy where if it inserts the electrified switchblade to a magnetic patch on the throat, the mouth will open dispensing banana chips.

With proper funding, I could do this within 6 months.

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[Sheeplovr]

i have had a long time to think and i do belive fully in the 2 monkey theory

its just common sence

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[Pootertoot]

if Ferris Bueller couldn't control Cameron, how is he going to contorl a monkey?

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[DarkHippie]

to train a monkey to kill this is what you need:

one switchblade

one week

twenty-nine male monkeys

one female monkey in heat

you will end up with one male monkey clutching a bloody knife surrounded by lacerated corpses

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[PanterA]

I think Hosp has everything exactly correct. With his training your monkey will be ready in 6 months BUT what he forgot to train the monkey....is with STEALTH.

If we are creating a killer monkey I want this fuckin thing to be the ultimate killing monkey.

I want this to be a Ninja monkey! I would train him to hide in shadows and attack like lightening.

He would throw his crap in his victims eyes to blind him as he slices him down the middle with razor blade kitana swords!

I could train this monkey in 7 years.

What do you say...do I get the funding?

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[Hosp]

Look at the government at work. 7 years? What do you need another 6 1/2 years for? You're just looking for some of that sweet governmnt money. And how stealthy can you be with a monkey? It's not like they can be blended into the crowd. You just have to work with the element of surprise. Then I think you just have to write the monkey off afterward.

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[F1Gm3nT]

months BUT what he forgot to train the monkey....is with STEALTH.

asked poot this Q the other day and stealth had nothing to do with it... just teach him to kill

"man fears darkness, so he scrapes away at it's edges with fire."
- Rei Ayanami
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[fatty]

what are you guys even discussing? black people kill each other with switchblades all the time?

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Shorty let me tell you about my only vice,
It has to do with lots of lovin' and it ain't nuthin nice.

[fatty]

just kidding kids.
that was a little ruthless but it's all in good fun.

if i'm racist against anyone for real it's whitey, my mexican/domincan ass is sick of being held down by the man.

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Shorty let me tell you about my only vice,
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[Tall_James]

http://www.ape-o-naut.org/famous/famous/members/furiousgeorge.html

You would have to hold the monkey knife fight on a boat, 12 miles out, in International waters.

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This message was edited by Tall_James on 7-15-02 @ 7:56 PM

[ADF]

Two weeks and one monkey if you use psychological torture.

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[F1Gm3nT]

I thought about it... I mean really thought about it
and poot... I come to the same conclusion... diferent amount of time tho..
if you teach the monkey first to work for his food... and then teach him to kill for his food...
6-8 months

"man fears darkness, so he scrapes away at it's edges with fire."
- Rei Ayanami
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[Zipgun]

I have given this a lot of thought since Saturday, and my original knee-jerk response of 6 weeks has been reconsidered. I do have to agree that if you're going to make an omelet, some monkeys have to die.

Your basic Rhesus monkey, while not housebroken, is considered rather smart, however teaching a monkey to smoke a cigar does not take much. Killing a human however does.

The monkey already has a concept of "kill" instinctively, and it knows how to do it, but I think the rub lies within getting it to kill on command. Most of these monkeys can be trained to do many tasks through use of Skinner boxes and repeated playing of Help Alpert and the Tijuana Brass albums. I believe killing on command, with a Pavlovian response is the best angle.

Play "Fandango"....the monkey kills.

With an average training period of 8 hours per day (with scheduled 15 minute breaks...hey, it's a union gig) 5 days a week... I'd say 18 months.

BUT...

I think the real task is teaching the monkey to stop killing. Therefore, considering the 18 months to train to kill, the two monkeys that have to be put down because they couldn't stop killing, and the training process of ceasing the killing spree lasting about 6 months...

So I say, two years, two dead monkeys, one copy of "Fandango" and three dead lab assisants.

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This message was edited by skidmark on 7-15-02 @ 9:48 PM

[PanterA]

Come on guys, it's a waste of time to just train the monkey to kill. He would only get away with it ONE time. He'll kill a person and hang around to get caught then put to sleep.

With my training i will have this monkey kill your worst enemy in Time Square on new years eve, and not only not be seen but come back with dinner.

Trust me we NEED to enforce the Ninja Monkey Project.

N.M.P. trust us or we'll kill you....monkey style!

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This message was edited by PanterA on 7-15-02 @ 9:58 PM

[A.J.]

"Ape has killed ape! Ape has killed ape!"

(see one of the "Planet of the Apes" sequels)

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[DarkHippie]

couldn't we just hide explosives in monkey feces, since they already know how to throw that at people?

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[Aggie]

LMFAO!! This is the funniest thing to read when you are high! :) I am dying right now.
Come on guys, it's a waste of time to just train the monkey to kill. He would only get away with it ONE time. He'll kill a person and hang around to get caught then put to sleep.

With my training i will have this monkey kill your worst enemy in Time Square on new years eve, and not only not be seen but come back with dinner.

Trust me we NEED to enforce the Ninja Monkey Project.

N.M.P. trust us or we'll kill you....monkey style!

I almost spit my drink out...This is some funny ass shit!

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."

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Number ten in the face, slim in the waist
Fat in the ass, do you want a taste?" - Trina

[PanterA]

come on Aggie, arent i right...If you're going to have a killing monkey, then you HAVE to go all out. There's no if ands or buts about it.

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[TomPoo]

I bet Ferris Beuller, who saved all those monkeys from a government experiment, could get a monkey to kill (with a switchblade) in less than a month.

umm, can we name one of the Monkey's Ferris Beuller???

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[nickeye]

<b>Infinity Theory</b> (revised)

Given an infinite number of monkeys on typewriters typing random letters for an infinite number of years, one will eventually type the entire works of Shakespeare, or kill someone with a switchblade.

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[Michael Fury]

You would have to hold the monkey knife fight on a boat, 12 miles out, in International waters.


Homer: "Pity the lives of those back on shore. They'll never know the joys of a monkey knife fight!"




"I'm really concerned, doctor. You don't think it could be...(lowers voice)...drugs, do you?"

[fatty]

i've never seen pantera so animated over a topic.

and have any of you people actually dealt with real monkeys? i mean not just on t.v. or at the zoo, i mean actually have ever really handled one? that makes a big difference i think.

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Shorty let me tell you about my only vice,
It has to do with lots of lovin' and it ain't nuthin nice.

[Aggie]

come on Aggie, arent i right...If you're going to have a killing monkey, then you HAVE to go all out. There's no if ands or buts about it.

You're right PanterA, if you're going to train monkeys to kill, you might as well make them dangerous. I will fully support your Ninja Monkey Project (NMP), let me know what I can do to help. :)

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time."

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"Who got more ass than the average b****?
You know it's the baddest b****
Number ten in the face, slim in the waist
Fat in the ass, do you want a taste?" - Trina

[DarkHippie]

i did a lil research on this last night, and i think chimps might be more suited to our cause.

chimps instinctively use tools such as sticks and branches in order to get termites out of their nests. It'll be a short jump to get them to switch to "the shiny stick." in addition, the alpha male in a chimp society will often kill in order to better solidify his status (even though chimps are mostly vegetarian). chimps are the wave of the future, my friends.

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[A.J.]

If I remember my college anthropology classes, there is only a 1% difference between chimpanzee and human DNA.

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This message was edited by AJinDC on 7-16-02 @ 10:02 AM

[JustJon]

6 days.

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[F1Gm3nT]

wait another good Q... poot... would it be a monkey from the wild.. or one raised in captivity
my friend who is a drop out vet person... wants to know

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[ShelleBink]

why is this turning me on?

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[Pootertoot]

Okay, as the moderator of this madness, I have to bring a few points to the table to bring us back to focus:

1) It HAS to be a Rhesus Monkey. Sure, optimally, we'd all like a chimp or an orangutan, but this is about how long it would take to train a rhesus monkey to kill with a switchblde.

Why? How hard is it to find people that purchase a chimp or orangutan? It'd be days before they trace it back to you. Rhesus Monkeys are sold like bubble gum.

2) Keep the number of monkeys to a reasonable # for the same reason...you're gonna look suspicious if you're suddenly ordering 25 monkeys at once or 1 monkey every month.


Having gotten that out of the way, I bring to you the following problem, gentlemen:

Cost-Efficiency.

Do you train a single monkey to kill a single target and dispose of it afterward?

Or do you train a highly skilled Leon the Professional-esque killer monkey that would be able to kill multiple times without being caught? This would take significantly more time and money.

None of you have ever successfully trained anything to kill, otherwise you'd be sitting in some volcano hideaway with the world at your knees...so don't be too confident in yourself (::cough::JustJon::cough::),

I still say two monkeys, one year, one, two kills per monkey.

I may or may not invest in a female monkey to service my monkey after every kill.

Unless any of the women around here wants to touch my monkey. Touch him. LOVE HIM.

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[CaptClown]

Give me five years and the monkey will be a master at Kung Fu, and all 18 basic martial arts weapons, and be able to field strip a M-16 blind-folded.

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Field Marshal of the K.I.S.S. Army

This message was edited by CaptClown on 7-16-02 @ 10:10 PM

[Jobberific]

I think the only reason to train said monkey would be for a assasin monkey. Otherwise, why not just strap a bomb to a monkey and throw him at your enemy? I think the one time use kleenex of killer monkey ould be a waste. Factor in long term costs. If the monkey is successful in eliminating the target, you're going to want more killer monkeys. Now you are going to have to waste the man hours for the next year traiing a new monkey. Not to mention the cost of the new monkey itself. Ninja stealh monkey truly is the only way to go.

Oh and Shellebink

why is this turning me on?


That is so scary, yet so hot.

"DANCE MONKEYS!!!! DANCE FOR OUR PLEASURE!!!"

[PanterA]

Leon the Professional-esque killer monkeyalright...but i'm going to need 6 more months to teach it how to take care of a plant.

not to mention find an underage women to lust after him.

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[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

I can do it in 4 hours.

A pot of coffee, a sleep-deprived monkey. The DMV, and all the wrong forms.

No, I can't promise you I could get him to stop, but it's DMV-- do you really WANT him to stop????

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When I look in your eyes and see the harmonies
The heartaches soften

[Pootertoot]

not to mention find an underage women to lust after him.


Isn't that already happening?

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[Hosp]

Okay, Revising my original plan:

I don't think you would be able to train a monkey to return to a set "headquarters" a large distance away. So in addition to my original training, I would then remove the banana chips from the dummy. Now when the electrified switchblade is placed to the magnetic patch on the dummy's neck it will open a compartment about 250 feet away at the end of a gauntlet with either the monkey's food rations for the day or the urine of a female monkey in heat (I haven't done my research on what would have a greater reaction). The field application to this would be once the monkey takes out the target, a spotter could trigger the opening of a similar compartment in an unmarked van that the monkey would be able to escape to.

I say now 5 monkeys, 8 months, under $200,000.

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[DarkHippie]

if a rhesus monkey can be trained to play the cymbals, using a switchblade should take about as long. It's just a different tool. the problem is, do they have the strength to pull it off. i know that monkey's are strong, but these are very little, i don't know if they can take down a human with just a switchblade.

I say go to plan 2) Operation: Lancelot Link, secret chimp

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[Alice S. Fuzzybutt]

None of you have ever successfully trained anything to kill


Don't be so sure about that.

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When I look in your eyes and see the harmonies
The heartaches soften

[phixion]

i say first practice with apples i cant even peel an apple without cutting a finger so if the monkey can do it it can also build a Hydrogen bomb!!!!

"smoking weed, smoking weed
doing coke, drinking beers
drinking beers, beers, beers
rolling fatties, smoking blunts
who smokes the blunts?
we smoke the blunts."-
Jay

[Sheeplovr]

do they have the strength


that apart of the training


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POWER AND CHAOS

[DarkHippie]

that apart of the training
then we have to add strenght training into time consideration. we may need to put them on steroids in order to buff them up and highten their aggression. A cycle of steroids is 3 months, so that would be a minimum just to get them into killing shape, and that's without the martial arts training. I think we may be looking at half a year per monkey now

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this sig is the masterpiece of the cheesy one
<i>support your local 420: union of brotherhood

living on the road, my friend, was supposed to keep us free and clean.
now you wear you skin like iron, your breath's as hard as kerosene-- townes van zant "the ballad of poncho and lefty"</i>

<a href=http://www.freeopendiary.com/entrylist.asp?authorcode=A537085>Transcendental Blues: a journal</a>

[Sheeplovr]

thats why one year 2 monkeys is fail proof

number 333 its the way to be
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POWER AND CHAOS

[shadowsmythe1]

If I may interject. I Actually agree with Pantera to a degree, so I would be going with the multiple kills per monkey. However, let us weigh the options. Now, for a multi kill monkey, Pantera's time listing of 7 years is way off. We train Marines and Special Forces in a lot less time. Now we could modify this training to apply to a monkey, we could reduce training to 3 months. We can realisically optimize the killer instinct in said monkey. Now, in regards to a monkey's strength, are we trying to increase speed-strength, absolute strength, relative strength, or should we focus on muscular endurance, so that the bastard doesn't tire out while stabbing a target. We could go the route of focusing on muscular endurance by having the monkey do push ups, pull ups, and sit ups in the morning and work on absolute strength three times a week with a basic program of Bench press/Deadlifts of 2 sets of 5. Now, if we are going to use anabolics as suggested by Dark Hippie, then it can be done in as little as two weeks, not three months. Two weeks on, two three weeks off, with clomid would help the monkey keep any strength and muscle gains. Three months straight on would be too long for most current Illegal and legal steroids as the receptor sites become more attenuated and estrogen rises to do to homeostasis. Now that we have the physical program down, all these suggetions of teaching it entire martial arts systems is impractical. Teaching him basic unarmed combat, rudimentary bayonette skills, and rifle skills. All this I project could be accomplished within six months with two monkeys, six dogs, and four kittens in the range of $4,000.

However, if it's just one monkey to one kill. then I could do it with 40 straight hours of Metal Gear Solid 2 and one hit of crack (for the monkey, not me).

Bronx finest, hip hop's greatest

[F1Gm3nT]

ok... here goes my new analogy and I'm stiking to this one
chek it...
if the monkey were brought in from the wild... never be able to train him... the monkey will refuse to trust all human and so you will never be able to train it. if it is a monkey raised in captivity ... wont do it... well not like a "hitmono" or hitman... the monkey will ahve already a trust for humans... unless... you wear a mask and treat it very bad while wearing this mask.... and it would takea while to get the monkey to stand up to this person... seeing as to how it is afraid of the person for every time it hiits him... and buy the time you teach it to kjill another person... well... the dman monkey is no good or dead

"man fears darkness, so he scrapes away at it's edges with fire."
- Rei Ayanami
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[Pootertoot]

You can train a monkey to do anything if you make the time commitment. And once you've gotten a handy from a monkey, with the strength of 7 women and palms as soft as puddin', you'll realize that. But that's neither here nor there.

I doubt any amount of marine training would affect a monkey at all. You have to cater your training to those who you're training. If you put a retard on an obstacle course, it's just gonna chew on the obstacles. But if you reward it with a puppy every time it hugs a girl too hard, pretty soon you've got a mean, lean retard killing machine.

My special training, consisting of, but not excluded to, banana reenforcement, laser tag, and tae bo, is near foolproof, but it will take at least one year, two monkeys.

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Take a Chance, Take a Chance
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