Freindship after the breakup [Archive] - RonFez.net Messageboard

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03-06-2002, 07:14 PM

Ok I really dont want to put this bluntly but Im not good at beating around the bush.....

I was recently in a GREAT realtionship, the realtionship ended abruptly. This person who I was involved with was nothing but good to me. And I was the same back. Now heres the question, do you hold a grudge, do you forget that that person was ever in yor life? Or do you say, you know what we tried out a relationship , and it didnt work out, oh well there are other fish in the sea, I can continue beign good freinds with this person no matter what happened in the past. Now dont get me wrong, Im NOT a hating person, I do hold grudges though....bad

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erinmoran

03-06-2002, 07:26 PM

I would hold a grudge if a chick cheated on me.....

it matters if your the type who forgives and forgets

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sexy bastard

03-06-2002, 11:38 PM

I believe there will be a grudge to be held especially in the times you feel lonely, it hurts when you get hurt like that, you say she was nothing but good to you and you say you were that way back, but something did not work in the relationship one of the parties was not happy, thusly the break up. its hard to try to stay friends if you were the oone that got hurt cause allthough you want the other one to be happy it does hurt a little when you see them with someone else, i say in time the grudge willl leave and just allow life to go on, the way i see it you should date as many people as you can for you learn so many new things, just move on, their are other fish in the sea. and in time if you stay friends or just "acquantinces" ( i think i spelled that wrong) you might stay close or you wil ldrift apart like so many firends in your life they are their one day then drift away.
just give it time and it will be fine

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Poison Ivy

03-06-2002, 11:50 PM

I really don't think anyone can really answer this question but you yourself. There are many factors involved in a breakup that only you feel. It depends on the situation. How you broke up or why you broke up...

Look into your heart and do what feels right for you. If you can forgive her (or if she can forgive you) and it feels right then I'm sure you can remain friends..or at least friendly. If it hurts too much to see her or her you then it may be best to stay away from eachother.

Don't let anyone or anyone pressure you into how they think you should feel. Do whatever feels best to you. Good luck hun :)

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Gwen

03-07-2002, 05:57 AM

I absolutely feel that you can maintain a friendship after the break up, afterall I've alwasy felt that the person I was dating was one of my best friends, and if you didn't have a friendship on which to base your relationship, I think you were doomed from the start. I'm good friends with many of my exes. In my opinion there are a few key factors in making a post break up friendship work:

1. Both people in the relationship must be comfortable with the fact that the relationship is over, because if one of you is still harboring any kind of feelings (romantic, or just plain upset and bitter) it will make this task impossible. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset, dont get me wrong, and if you are upset give yourself some "time apart" so that you can get control over your feelings and be willing to bring a mature attitude to the table.

2. You can't have the "we-just-broke-up-but-we're-friends-with-benefits-sex" , becuase this will eventually lead to one of 3 things: someone "rediscovering feelings", STD's or a baby, none of which are too fun when you're not in a relationship.

3. If you have certain friends in common maybe have a night out with everyone where the two of you could have the chance to talk but aren't pressured to talk solely to that person as you might be on the phone or a solo-hang out session. The other friends can help remove some of the tension and all that other not happy stuff.

Generally this is the part where I'd say this is just my two cents, but this looks more like $1.32. =)

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Yerdaddy

03-07-2002, 06:13 AM

Dr. Gwenn, the great Horde King couldn't have said it better himself.

I'm a big fan of the waiting period for contact after breakup. The feelings are still there and are, in fact, magnified by the fact that at this time you are insane. Speaking from personal experience, you can only think of two things in relation to the other person: the best, or the worst. She's either banging some Fabio somwhere, or she's an angel that requires you're utter lifelong devotion. It's never in between.

In your insanity, it's time to lean on your friends. Don't make a move that you know is foolish, (like calling her drunk at 3am proposing marriage - personal experience), without consulting a friend first.

Avoid dumb friends' advice. Getting drunk or getting laid is not going to help. Those are sacred activities that should not be wasted on after-breakup insanty. You'll only end up puking on the ugly girl you picked out and probably ruining perfectly good sheets.

Leave the house. The voices only get louder there.

Don't stir fry naked. That applies any time. Bad idea.

That's all I got. I have to go drive by my ex's house now - just to make sure she's there.

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irishkb

03-07-2002, 07:00 AM

sorry to hear about the ending of your realtionship.... now i for one have never been friends with an ex after a break up.. i have not had that many ex's to begin with.. my endings were never really worth trying to salvage the friendship.. now if the ending was not very painful for you and her then yeah give a month or so and just try to be friends.. can't see why not, there was a friendship first before the realtionship..... but please do yourself the favor of not making any drunkin phone calls in the wee hours of the night.. that will only piss her off and make you look bad.. and remember there are always some strip clubs you can go to help ease the pain...........

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CovDiesel

03-07-2002, 07:14 AM

I agree with Dr. Gwen's opinion, however I find friendship after the breakup difficult to attain.

If I wanna get it on with a girl.. I'm always going to want to get it on with that girl... so us breaking up.. well, that just doesn't turn the "I want to ravage you" switch off..

therefore, while I agree it is possible... and I agree that Gwen made some good points on how to do it... I am simply incapable of not desiring to bang my exgirlfriends... except maybe if they were a stalker... then I probably wouldn't want to think about them.

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Poison Ivy

03-07-2002, 07:21 AM

Gwen nailed it, that was very good intelligent advice.

Unfortunately when dealing with breakups not many of us can maintain rational thought and what seems like simple concept turns into an impossible task.

I've really only maintained one friendship with an ex, my friend Steve. We still hang out and talk all the time. I love the guy to death. As for the rest...well let's just say I have terrible taste in men and usually date psycho losers that need to get a grip on reality :p

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mrbungle

03-07-2002, 07:29 AM

In my opinion, the only way to maintain a true friendship after a breakup is if it was mutual...otherwise, there's a feeling of betrayal that, although you may want to be friends, will make it impossible for that to happen.

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Silly Puddy

03-07-2002, 07:33 AM

AG1247, I'd be more than happy to talk with you about this. For me, I don't feel comfortable sharing my experience in this kind of forum. The only thing I will say is DON'T ISOLATE AND MOPE ALONE!

If you don't mind conversing with an old married guy, I'm here. Drop me an e-mail if you like, but only if you feel like it. My opinion of you and your horrible posts won't change. ;)

I think, therefore I am..............a moron.

This message was edited by Silly Puddy on 3-7-02 @ 12:04 PM

impactplayer2k1

03-07-2002, 07:38 AM

I'll just get to the point: Most relationships when ended can never turn into friendship. From my perspective, I feel that you shared so much with that person, to take it a step down instead of a step up is devestating. Theres that feeling of awkwardness, and emotional heartfelt pain when you see that person again. it honesty hurts when you see that person with someone else. Eventually you'll move on but not right away. I honesty would not continue being friends because i want her to remember the good times we had and not the "post-breakup" friendship and make matters worst by fighting or being childish about it.

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fatty

03-07-2002, 07:46 AM

impact is right. i say you have enough friends, no reason to hang on to someone you broke up with. you can be cordial with them, but no reason to keep in touch.

make new friends, you don't need exes. the only ex i'm a friend with is one i never should have gone out with in the first place.

but if a relationship is great and you break up, just give it up. no need to be bitter or mean, but there's no reason to keep in touch either.

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gone

03-07-2002, 09:00 AM

i have to disagree with fatty on this one, some of my best friends are ex's. i honestly think, if you were able to love the person before the break up, where does all that love go? it doesnt just disappear! and i dont think a friendship is going to work right away because feelings are still going to be there, and youre used to doing things like holding hands and what not, it takes some time before you can differ between friendship emotions and romantic ones.

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Jennitalia

03-07-2002, 09:07 AM

I'm with Inky.
I'm friends with a lot of my exes. The others we just lost contact with one another or they're dead. I was in the wedding party for one of my exes. i think it's hard to go from being in a relationship to just being friends right after, but it also depends on the situation, and the feelings involved. i could never go back to being just friends with an ex of mine, although he was my best friend in the whole world and we just had so much in common before we started dating, i fucked things up way too much for him to want to be friends with me again.

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TomPoo

03-07-2002, 09:10 AM

doesn't anybody else feel this whole thread is a little weird???

my two cents...

not my business...

good luck you two

(I think this whole relationship, begining to end, has now been posted)

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Jackie Sloan

03-07-2002, 09:20 AM

Sure you can still be "friends". One bit of advice if I may: NEVER let it get in the way of a possibly new(better?) relationship. If you do, she's not a friend, but you're automatically a sucker. peace

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DarkHippie

03-07-2002, 10:00 AM

ag, rule of thumb to llive by: grudges are never good. cause even if you they are hurting the person it is aimed at, it's hurting you too, and why would you want to hurt yourself?

good luck, my friend

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DreamWeaver

03-07-2002, 10:11 AM

(I think this whole relationship, begining to end, has now been posted)
Yeah, don't you guys want some privacy?

As for being friends with an ex, all is possible in due time..It can usually never work immediatly after the break up, thats just unhealthy for both parties. And i think it depends on what kind of break up it was...I am friends with lots of exs but some I'm not. Like the one that tried to kill me..yeah, we're not friends anymore.....Or the really long relationship where my ex treated me like shit and cheated on me and just got married...we're not friends anymore either

Isn't it always the girl who still wants to be friends anyway?

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Supervixen

03-07-2002, 01:18 PM

im sorry to see it end but maybe its for the best.

listen, you can deffinitly be friends. you guys have
to give yourselves time to get back into Alicia and
Anthony modes, not aliciaanthony mode. Things are
gunna need to be a lil different. relax for awhile, get
back to what you know you have to do and then
contact eachother.

things here were really sticky for awhile with me
and my ex, but i just grabbed him and im like "why
is this so hard? why do othr people have to be
involved?" i wanna be his friend and he wants to be
mine so thats what we do. we give eachother
space, we also hang out. were there for eachother
but we learn our limits. its great, its deffinitly a
great thing. time heals all wounds, trust me on this
one.

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sunndoggy8

03-09-2002, 02:35 PM

I posted about something similar here.

http://www.ronfez.net/messageboard/viewmessages.cfm?Forum=81&Topic=9594&RequestTimeout=50

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Gaia

03-09-2002, 06:40 PM

In my eyes, I don't think it's a good Idea. Of course I feel that way because I never really stayed "friends" with any of them, Most of them were asshole's and some other times I was the asshole, how do you stay friends with a person like that? If you were my friend , or not, then we went out, and you dicked me over, it show's you have no respect for others. Therefore, you really aren't to be trusted at ALL. There have only been 1 or 2 times where if I saw that person after the break up I would be pleasant and say hello. Obviously if the relationship ended on good terms like ; "We still love each other, but we have really grown apart". Then I guess staying friends is good, It may even give those 2 people a chance to get back together, But I have never had that.

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gone

03-09-2002, 07:27 PM

see i think the big key here is how the relationship ended in the first place. last year me and a bf of 6 months broke up, we had been living together, and he had severe mental problems, ontop of alcoholism. surprisingly enough he broke up with me because he saw me as the source of his problems, even though they started before he ever met me. anyway, he litteraly called me at work, out of the blue, and told me i had 6 hours to pack my shit and leave. now obviously after a breakup like that, im not going to want to be friends with him.....

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CruelCircus

03-09-2002, 11:06 PM

You can definitely be friends with an ex. I have, and in some cases, we're closer now than when we went out.
If your ex- cheated on you or lied to you, it won't work, that's for sure. But if the relationsip was "clean" so to speak, and the breakup was done "for the better" than it can definitely work. Someone mentioned earlier that there's caring that doesn't go away, and I think for the most part that's true.
There is definitely a period where it's hard and you have to tread lightly, but honestly, you're already comfortable with this person on some level, so it helps.
I think all the people saying no are coming from bad relationship experiences. Not all breakups are bad, or a bad idea, as some of us can attest.

The most important question is, "Do you want to?"

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