"Confessions Of An Evil Milk Monitor" [Archive]

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The Blowhard

03-03-2002, 05:10 AM

In 3rd grade, my best friend and I were the official "Milk Monitors". We went down to the school basement to pick up those little half pints, and later sold them for 5 cents a piece.
I confess:
We pricked holes in the annoying kids milk containers with needles, causing dribble.
We goofed off, we hung out with the hippie janitor who showed us the coal furnace and the latest edition of "Playboy".
We threw half pints of milk out of the window, hitting the Crossing Guard lady.
We spit in the cookies and pretzels, which were distributed with the milk.
We found "old milk" and gave it to the Special Ed kids.
We swiped Cokes from the cafeteria when the 300 lb. lunchlady looked away.
Whew..I feel better now.

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nickeye

03-03-2002, 05:16 AM

It's not funny. That "old milk" made me sick for days.

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The Blowhard

03-03-2002, 05:18 AM

Just wait until I post "Scary Safety Patrol Guard Confessions" Nick! :)

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Sheeplovr

03-03-2002, 05:26 AM

but..... We trusted you

im very dissapointed

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Gaia

03-03-2002, 05:02 PM

Holy crap, I thought I was a bad kid! You sir are evil...Thank god I have always hated milk and never participated in the milk and cookie thing when I was in school!

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This message was edited by Gaia on 3-3-02 @ 9:06 PM

Knocked

03-03-2002, 05:20 PM

That's some funny S Heckler!!

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Seeya!

Alice S. Fuzzybutt

03-03-2002, 05:37 PM

Those of us who are lactose intolerant salute you sir!

"The doctor said real milk will kill me!"

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Zipgun

03-03-2002, 06:14 PM

Those of us who are lactose intolerant salute you sir!

"The doctor said real milk will kill me!"

You need Malk, with Vitamin R instead.

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Ralphy Ramone

03-03-2002, 07:30 PM

When we went down to the gym to fetch the milk tray,my partner in dairy crime and I would drink the half pints of other classes.Simply lift the foil from the two corners while carefully bending back the corner as not to crease it.Drinking it quickly while looking over your shoulder and finally pushing down on the open lid and smoothing out that foil so there isn't a trace of any thing wrong.

We thought we were so slick.Unknowingly by us there was a schedual that was strickly adhered to when it came to milk"pick-ups".Busted man,in the first grade...and I've been doin' time ever since!

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nickeye

03-03-2002, 07:37 PM

By the way, those damn milk cartons always stressed me out. If you don't open it right on the first try, forget it. I was the kid with the unopened milk carton that was mangled into a red-and-white paste.

And don't get me started on Orange Drink.

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ThePointer

03-03-2002, 10:00 PM

and to think I missed all that by living around the corner from the school and going home for lunch

bringing those innate points out for sunlight

cheezeemee

03-05-2002, 08:26 PM

Remember that chocolate milk? That tasted like shet!!!!

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nickeye

03-05-2002, 08:42 PM

Remember that chocolate milk? That tasted like shet!!!!Chocolate milk: nectar of the god's ... ass.

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Edit: Special thanks to Eric Cartman for that stupid joke

This message was edited by nickeye on 3-6-02 @ 12:53 AM

cheezeemee

03-05-2002, 08:58 PM

Great! One little quote and I got cyclops calling me an ass!

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nickeye

03-06-2002, 11:25 AM

Sorry, Cheeze. That wasn't a slam; I overpunctuated. I should've left out the ellipsis (...) and written "nectar of the gods' ass".

Not sure what that means, though. I guess I had strong anti-chocolate milk feelings at the time.

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cheezeemee

03-06-2002, 06:33 PM

And I didn't mean that cyclops thing. Really I didn't.;)

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The Blowhard

03-11-2002, 06:49 AM

We once had a drinking contest in Junior High. We bought about 100 of those half pints until we ralphed. We later realized that it was sinful to waste food because people were starving in Africa, so we started jello eating contests instead. Food is fun. <P>

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nickeye

03-11-2002, 07:18 AM

Heh. "Ralphed." Old School.

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zathrus

03-11-2002, 09:34 AM

in my elem. school, 2 kids from every class were sent to the lunch room to get the milk. the teachers made sure that the same two people didn't go together. so that we couldn't do anything.

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The Blowhard

05-23-2002, 07:51 PM

OK, another confession.
My friend and I once snuck into the cafeteria storeroom after school and stole 2 twenty gallon drums of chocolate pudding. Screw Billy Cosby, we had our pudding!

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The Blowhard

07-08-2002, 09:21 PM

One more. I once peed on the couch in the Teacher's Lounge in High School.
They really deserved it.

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Tall_James

07-09-2002, 04:53 AM

You need Malk, with Vitamin R instead

Simpsons references...always funny.

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Aggie

07-09-2002, 06:25 AM

Heckler-You think you change your sigs enough? lol

I loved that chocolate milk. I bought it for 25 cents everyday, until one day someone made me laugh and it came out my nose. I've hated it since then.

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The Blowhard

02-11-2003, 09:22 PM

I loved that chocolate milk. I bought it for 25 cents everyday, until one day someone made me laugh and it came out my nose. I've hated it since then.

I would pay to see that.

ChickenHawk

02-11-2003, 09:52 PM

Oh boy, do I have some damn nice milk monitor stories. Me and my friend were monitors in 5th grade. Charging money for milks was just the begining. Since I can go on for pages about the havoc we reeked as milk monitors, I'll just touch a few major points.

1) On days when there was chocolate milk, we would take a bunch of extra milks for ourselves and for kids who were willing to pay.
2) We would chuck milk cartons into the girls bathrooms. (We actually hit someone once.)
3) We would pour milk into the radiator vents and after a couple days it would give off a horrid stench.
4) We would use our privilege as milk monitors to leave the lunchroom during lunchtime in order to sneak around the school, go into people's desks, steal books, hide the teacher's stuff, throw stuff in the garbage, break things, etc.)
5) We would go up to the 3rd floor bathroom and toss milks out the window down onto the playground. We drenched a few kids, and even a teacher once. Luckily we never hit anyone with the actual carton, cuz that probably could've caused some serious injury.)
6) We would come after school and steal milk crates from the pile outside the lunchroom.
7) We also poked holes in milk cartons.
8) While doing all of this, we NEVER once got caught.

Ahhh... I feel a lot better after saying all that.
...Not because I felt guilty about it, but because I enjoy reminiscing.

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kc7586

02-12-2003, 12:26 PM

heckler, i salute you. you've done all the fucked up shit that i never had the guts to do.

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